I will follow you into the dark
by xredSunburstx
Summary: A patient’s father can’t accept that his daughter is going to die. Her doctor is Arizona Robbins who is now in hostage to do an operation which should save his daughters life. Will she survive and what is going Callie to do? Reviews appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** A patient's father can't accept that his daughter is going to die. Her doctor is Arizona Robbins who is now in hostage to do an operation which should save his daughters life. Will she survive and what is going Callie to do? Reviews appreciated.

**Chapter 1**

„Arizona! – Wait!" She screamed while she was running after the blond who made her way to one of the operation rooms where she was going to have an operation on a six year old boy.

She spinned around by hearing her strong voice taking in the full sight of her beautiful girlfriend trying to catch her. When she was finally reaching her she couldn't resist kissing her magnificent pink lips. It was a simple kiss, their lips were just touching for a brief moment, but full of longing and desire, like Callie would kiss her every time, everyday, forever.

"You came for that?" Arizona replied showing her amazing dimples. The brunette waits to answer, because she was to captivate by her look and her lips she was catching one more time.

"Yes and no…" Callie replied smiling while the blond was raising one eyebrow.

"You know I want to kiss you every time in every possible minute, but now I was coming, because we have surgery together! You haven't seen it?"

"No… But… you think that'd be a good idea???" Callies smile faded as she heard the concerned tone in Arizona's voice.

"What do you mean??"

"Well… you honestly think it would good for our patient if her doctors couldn't concentrate because of each other?"

Now she laughed out loud, stealing another kiss. Arizona absolutely knew how to tease her.

"I guess we have to behave…"

"Yeah we really have to…" Arizona answered with her lips coming nearer to Calliopes, but right before she was able to kiss her, she stopped.

"But then… you have to give me a kiss that lasts 5 hours…"

"Not a problem…" Callie replied, willing to give her the things she wanted with caressing her lips with her own. She let the kiss deepen by opening her mouth and letting her tongue trail lines on Arizona's lips, right before she biting her upper lip softly. But hard enough to make her moan.

"I wish we could spend some time together now… not in there… but in our bed…" Another small laughter escaped the brunette's lips, right before they were kissing a second time and then stepping into the cold ER where Baileys already waited.

"Are you two ready to save a life?"

Arizona smiled like she always does before an operation. She was smiling to transport her hope and she never fears claiming her. It was a promise she gave herself to be strong. It was something she did every time.

"Of course we are…" She replied, smiling.

* * *

She liked the feeling of staying in this room for hours. She liked it to have the power, to be able to do something. She never liked the idea of being unable to save a life. She never wanted to sit and wait, knowing she couldn't do something. When her grandpa died she felt like that, knowing she just has to accept it, because there was nothing she could do. Because of that she was becoming a doctor, because she wanted to be the people telling their patient family everything was fine. She loved to see their expressions, and she loved to see their smile, to hear their laughter. But not every time it was like that. There were times she couldn't be all perky and smiling. There were times she couldn't save lives even she was a doctor. Two hours ago it was like that, a moment she always was scared of. But it wasn't avoidable.

She had to tell a father his little daughter would die and she couldn't imagine how It would be to see your own child die. He couldn't either. He was crying, screaming at her, forcing her to do something, asking and pleading, but though her heart was breaking she couldn't do something.

"Sometimes medicine isn't enough, Mr. Parker. I wish I could do something. I treated Bonnie for 2 years now and you know how much I care for her, but also medicine has limits and I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry… I'm seriously so sorry…" Tears were welling up in her eyes when she explained him his daughter would die in less than 2 months and she couldn't do something because everything else would be to risky. He stormed out of the room leaving her with her own thoughts. 2 hours ago she was crying and now she was standing there, smiling and starting to fight for another life she hopefully would be able to save a life.

She looked up from the small body, looking straight into Callies eyes. Every time she was looking at her she felt peaceful and calm. Everything would be alright with her at her side. A last glance, a smile, a nod, before she was looking away.

"Scalpel…" She said out loud and felt a cold small metal thing in her hands only 2 seconds later. Her second hand was reaching for the young boy and she started to pray.

"Ok… alright…" She whispered right before…

Suddenly she heard a door opening.

Who the hell would disturb her now?

As she looked up from the small body in front of her she caught her breath.

"Mr. Parker…" She said out loud, confused. "… What are you doing here? I'm sorry, but you have to leave. You shouldn't be in here. It's only allowed for doctors. I'm starting an operation right now."

"No… you're not…" His voice sounded strange and he breathed heavily when she looked into her eyes.

"What is going on her?" Baileys looked confused and annoyed. A boy was lying there, ready for his operation and she wasn't the one who liked some sort of idiot games.

"I don't know…" Callie replied in her direction, watching Arizona who was as confused as all of them.

"Mr. Parker, please. Wait outside for me. We can talk later about everything you want to talk about with me. I promise I'll be out there in a while…" She tried to get him out of the room, but he didn't seem like he was planning to leave. Instead he was coming nearer.

"Like you promised me to do anything you can for Bonnie?" He asked with an angry voice.

"Mr. Parker… you know I…"

"Shut up, bitch! You are like the others! I trusted you and your opinion! But now you let her down like everyone else!"

"Mr. Parker…" She tried hopelessly to calm him down, but he didn't seem to calm down, instead he was becoming more and more angry each minute.

Everyone else was following the conversation not knowing what to do. Even Bailey kept looking at him in disbelief.

"You are not going to operate on anyone now…" Arizona didn't know what he was going to do, until she recognized his hand under his black coat.

"Oh my god…" She was whispering when he was finally showing what he was hiding under his coat.

"You are not going to operate anyone else than Bonnie…"

Callie couldn't believe what as happening in the OR. A man was standing right in front of them, pointing with his gun at Arizona which was looking hopelessly at him, her eyes full of compassion and angst.

"Mr. Parker… please… think of what you are doing"

"No!!! You are listening to me now. Everyone is getting out of her, except of you, or I'll kill one of them including you Dr. Robbins…"

He was raising his gun, pointing at her, but nobody was moving until she screamed another: "GET OUT!"

Everyone was gone, terrified and not sure it was reality; it was true what was happening right now.

Callie was the only one who was still standing there at her girlfriend's side. Her mind was racing and she was hardly breathing. She was scared. She was scared because of the gun which was pointed dangerously in Arizona's direction. No, she couldn't leave now. She couldn't leave her. She couldn't lose her.

"And you… you are bringing Bonnie here…" He suddenly said out loud, freeing Callie out of her numbness.

"No…" She whispered almost not audible, her eyes still widened. "No way I'm going to leave!"

"Dr. Torres..." She heard Arizona say and it was strange to be called like that, but she absolutely know what she was going to do. She would treat her like everyone else so she wasn't in danger. But she wanted to be in danger if it meant to be able to stay here. No way was she going to leave her with a lunatic man with a gun who pointed at her.

"Alright…" Now he changed the direction of his gun, pointing at Callie.

"You are not going… you die…"

"Calliope!!!" Arizona's voice was strong but also trembling. All she wanted was Callie at her side when her knees were shaking, her heart was trembling and she felt like she would throw up any minute, but she couldn't concentrate with her in this room, a gun pointed at her, and all she had to do was concentrating.

"Please…" She whispered, looking right into her brown eyes, pleading.

When she was standing up with her at her side she never thought the day would end like that. But she had to be strong to stay alive, to be able to kiss her again, to hold her through the night, to smell her and to tell her how much she loved her. She had to do anything he wanted from her, and she would do it, as long as Calliope was save.

"Okay…"

"Now, go and get her as fast as possible or she will be dead before you are coming back…"

Calliope looked a last time in her girlfriend's direction, knowing what she had to do.

"Don't do something stupid before I get back… stay alive… Please… I love you…" She was saying with her eyes as she left the OR, running.

* * *

That was just an idea in my head. If you want me to continue, tell me and I'm going on with this ;-)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Years ago she was raising her hand to the special oath. She was speaking it out loud, knowing she would always follow the rules. She knew she would do anything to save a life, no matter how hard it would be. She was empathic, knowing this was the thing she wanted to do in her life. Her first patient died in her first year as a doctor and it was painful. She realized she wouldn't be able to save every life, and she coped with the truth, with reality, even she had to tell her that each time that it was impossible for her to be a saviour every day. She couldn't lengthen some people's life, even she would give everything for it.

It was hard for her and sometimes she barely coped, but the worse thing was telling someone else she couldn't do anything else.

Tears have been shared, curses have been said and she felt responsible each time. But people accepted, they knew she was doing her best, because she was a good doctor. But now she felt like the worse doctor ever. Two years she worked on this little girl, she sung her to sleep when her daddy had to work late and she promised things she shouldn't have promised. But that was how she functioned.

Hope, Belief, Miracles. Every time.

Now she sat there, waiting for the small girl, looking her father directly in the eyes. She understood how he felt. She could imagine it, because once she felt the same. But how would it be to loose your own child? She could barely imagine. What he was doing wasn't called craziness or insanity. She called it love and desperation. Even she was scared of the thing he had in his hands, even she knew how serious this situation was, and even her heart was pounding heavily in her chest she looked at him, her heart also full of compassion.

He was walking up and down, pacing around nervously, but his gun never pointing away from her. Medially she felt like looking death straight into the eyes. Does death look like that? Does death look like an innocent man who was caring for his dying daughter? She couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it, but she also felt his presence lingering in the small room. She could feel it, him, whatever it was, at her side, looking down at her, his cold breath on her neck.

She was shivering.

"Where is she… Fuck! It's taking too long... " He screamed out loud in despair, gotten her out of her thoughts.

She looked up, terrified. Even she understood him, she knew how he felt, she was scared. She was scared of him. She was scared because of the glance in his eyes. Not only the fear because of his daughter, she also recognized pure hate, waving back at her.

"You have to wait… She can't be brought here that fast…" She replied her voice strong and clear. _Don't show him that you are scarred…_

"Shut up, Bitch!" He screamed, made her almost to jump. "If you had found a cure like you said you would, she would be health now and I wouldn't have to do this…"

"Steve…" She said, trying to calm him.

"Don't call me that! You don't have the right to calm me like that!" His dark brown hair jumping up and down as he spoke these words out loud never losing his aim. He wanted to kill her. If his daughter wasn't able to survive, she shouldn't either.

"You know I want her best, too."

Now he was laughing, his laughter filling the room and making her shiver in and outside. Was that the laugh of the evil?

"You do? I guess that's a good joke. You are as miserable in lying as you are miserable as a doctor… They should hire someone else…"

"I tried my best, Mr. Parker. But sometimes Medicine can't heal everything. I can't heal every disease, even I'd like to. But I can't…"

"I said: SHUT UP!" His gun came nearer to her face, until she felt the cold metal on her head. She whimpered, closing her eyes slowly. She hated guns since her brother joined the army. She hated guns since he was murdered because of one of these arms. She hated guns since she knew there were wars and fighting outside, everywhere on the world. And they could only be managed because of guns.

Maybe she would die like him? Maybe she would die because of one of these objects leading by the hand of a man who couldn't differ between right and wrong.

She already cried silent tears.

"You are a doctor… You are a fucking doctor and I tell you one thing now. When she is coming in here, you will smile, you won't cry and you will heal here. You understand? If not, you can start to pray… and oh… look; you can also start to say your goodbyes… Look up… Look up there…" She was opening her eyes, looking up into the faces of her colleagues and finally she realised how seriously all of this was. It wasn't a nightmare, it was a gun in his hand, and he wouldn't just let her go in the next minutes. Maybe she would see Callie never again.

Thinking about all the things she has done in her life and she wanted to do, she could only think about her lips, about her hands, her body and her smile. She needed her. She needed to see her again. Just one time, one day, being a part of her. She would give everything to see her. And now she really prayed.

"You see all of them?" Arizona didn't reply, instead she looked away. She couldn't see the concern in their eyes. She couldn't cope with their compassion, because that means she would never see the sunlight again.

She was trapped in a small and cold room with a man who had his gun on her temporal and her colleagues, every one of them; Sloane, Shepard, the Grey sisters, even Yang and Karev; were looking down at her. She never felt that trapped and that helpless and hopeless.

"You see them?" She nodded scared after he pressed the gun deeper in her head that it hurts and left a red mark.

"Look at them clearly… remember their faces… because you will never see them if you are not going to save Bonnie's life. That's a promise… and I keep my promises…"

* * *

As she was running out the door as fast as possible with her heart pounding heavily in her chest it was Baileys who waited for her. But she wasn't standing still when the older woman asked her to stop.

"What the fuck are you doing?" It was strange for her to hear the other woman swear. She wasn't the kindest person she knew, but it she wasn't like that either.

"I'm going to get the little girl…" She replied while running through the corridor, feeling all of their eyes fixated on her movements.

"You are going to do what??"

"I'm going to get his daughter that Arizona will be able to operate on her…" She replied again, her voice shaking.

"You can't do that! You know her disease isn't able to be fixed. If you bring her to Arizona and let her have the operation on this little girl… you know what will happen… because there's a reason why she told him he should spend the last two months with his daughter instead of having her to go through senseless operations. There's a reason why she explained to him there wasn't any way to save his little girl. There is a reason!"

Callie understood what the older woman was saying, but she also knew it was something she had to do. If she wasn't the woman she loved would probably die. There had to be a chance to save her life. Maybe there'd be a wonder. Maybe she could stay there and doing something heroic to save Arizona's life. Too much maybe that leads her to the will to get in there, knock him down and save her love to escape far away from all of that.

"And you know what will happen if I don't give him the things the wants? She will die, too. She will die now! You hear that? You understand me? If I'm not giving him his daughter and if Arizona isn't going to operate her he is going to kill her in a few minutes and I'm not going to let this happen, Miranda! There's a Chance we can save her. There have to be a chance that I can save her. I just need time… I need time…" She said while she searched the room of the small girl. "You already called the police?" Bailey was nodding while she leaded the brunette to the room she was searching.

In front of her a small blond girl was lying, looking absolutely like an Angle with blue eyes looking straight at her.

"Bonnie?" She asked simply.

"Yes??"

"I'm Dr. Torres…"

"Where is Dr. Robbins???" The small girl asked her, and interrupted her without minding. She loved the blond doctor and she loved her beautiful curls. Even she had to spent two years in rooms like that it was her that made her forgetting all this, seeing this like an adventure. She liked her at most.

"She is with your dad…"

"Daddy! He is here? Isn't he at work? Why is he with her? She told me she has an operation, that's why she couldn't come and talk to me…"

"Your dad… Your dad… he is talking to her because of your operation…"

"Why?? She told me there wouldn't be another surgery…" She asked disappointed. She hated surgery.

"There will be one… now… just one" Callie replied. But she couldn't look the small girl into the eyes. She was beautiful and sweet, but for her she was just someone who could give her time to find another way to save her girlfriend and it hurts her to think of the girl like that. But all she had in her mind was the woman with the beautiful blond curls and the amazing dimples. All she could see in front of her eyes was the glance in Arizona's frightened eyes right before she has left her with a monster.

* * *

As the door opened she could see the small girl entering the room, but most important was Callie who brought her. Her Callie, who looked exhausted and scared.

"Daddy!" Bonnie screamed happy to see her father, not even recognizing the gun he had in his hands.

"Oh… sweetheart! It's good to see you!"

"Why aren't you at work, Daddy? You normally do work at this time of the day…"

"I took the day of to be here with you when Dr. Robbins is operating…"

Now Bonnie was looking at the small figure standing a few meters away, replying to her grin with a faked smile.

"Dr. Robbins!!!!"

"Hey Bonnie, my dear…" Her voice was shaking. She normally called her that but now it sounds so strange in her eyes. She felt like lying to the girl she liked so much. She was lying about her health. She was doing something which was senseless, because she was scared to be not able to see Callie ever again.

"And now… we are going to start surgery…" He said his voice cold and hard. She didn't want, but she nodded, taking Bonnie away from him.

"And you are leaving… I only want her in this room with me…" He said in Callie's direction while the other girl was preparing everything for the operation.

"No… I'm needed here… she can't operate without me. She needs someone else…" She replied looking at Arizona who gave Bonnie the necessary anaesthetization, hoping she could be near her, to protect her.

But as Arizona looked up, she realized how this would end.

"She can leave… I don't need her… I can do this on my own…" It was something that told Callie how it was meant to be. It told her how it would continue. She knew how this would end. It would end with both of them… death.

Tears were welling up in her eyes, and she couldn't stop them from falling.

"I'm going to do this alone. I don't need another doctor. So would you please leave Dr. Torres. You are disturbing me…" Arizona replied her voice cold and hard as stone, but Callie knew how it was meant. She knew what her love was trying to say.

With the gun pointing in her direction she left after a clear and hurt "GO!" from Arizona's throat.

But from the outside she recognized the tears in the blond's eyes. Arizona did it for her, all for her, for her life and her safety. Instead she was staying there alone, knowing how it'd end.

"You really want to do this, Mr. Parker?" He nodded, stepping closer, until he reached Bonnies head, looking done at her peaceful face and his voice was becoming softer, like she never thought.

"Look at her… Look at her once and then tell me not to do this…"

She nodded, signing her death sentences with grabbing for the cold scalpel.

"Scalpel…" She whispered, even she knew she was alone. No one would reach her the object. She was all alone in this room, her death cell, but feeling their eyes on her small body.

And finally she did the first cut, starting an operation which would cost her life.

And she did the step, holding the dying hatched in her hand.

Her second hand.

* * *

To be honest it wasn't easy to write this, but I really hope you like it. Let me know and I'm going on. Thank you so much for all the reviews! I'm pleased that you like it!

-Sun


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Thank you so much for reading this and thanks to everyone who's reviewing this! It means lot to me and it keeps me going on! Hey you can be proud of yourself! Each of you ;-) I still appreciate comments and I really hope you are enjoying this even there are short Chapters… but I have a lot to do and I always think: Better a short Chapter than no Chapter!

So I wish you a nice weekend and if you also want to watch Callie/ Arizona videos, check this out. It's my channel of YouTube, and I really like to share the things that are stuck deep down in my head! .com/user/xredSunburstx

-Sun

…………………………………………………………………………………………………**...**

**Chapter 3**

Usually she was corralling in another world while she was staying in front of these tiny bodies. All she was doing was to forget the small coffins they would put them in if she fails.

She was rather staying in a world where death wasn't her permanent companion, where children were laughing, instead of looking at her through their scared eyes. She dreamed about their childhood, about stories they once told her, about the life's she already saved, about their parents, about their smile and how they looked at her when she had good news. She was thinking about her own past, about her own future and sometimes she also asked herself how she would end.

"I do all of this, because I'm able to save life's! Because it's the best feeling in the world to know you saved a life. It's just awesome to be able to perform miracles and see them smiling! It's amazing to win against death in this sort of game…"

She told Baileys once in her normal perky and happy tone. How could she not be happy with all of the children around her? How could she not pretend everything was alright when she was looking in their faces?

Once she has learned to survive on her own. She learned to keep her head over the water each time she felt like drowning. But most of the time surgery gave her hope; it gave her the strength to believe.

But not now. Now her life was turned into a dark hole, which was almost absorbing her. A dark hand was grabbing for her and she felt strong and cold hands on her ankles which made her shudder. She was looking up, recognizing the girl she loved, standing there, and hugging herself strongly while watching Arizona. Of course Arizona was afraid; a fear that made her holding her breath, but knowing that she was save made her breath again. All she wanted was her save, to know she could live and she did. She was save. Save.

The blond doctor repeated the word in her head so many times and she tried to smile bravely at her, to give Calliope hope, right before she was looking away again.

Any day she would be proud to stand her, to do what she had to do as a doctor, but now she could only think of the end. It wouldn't end well, because she was operating on a girl who couldn't be saved, who should be dead for 2 years now. Life was a gift she gave this girl for 2 years. But now she couldn't do anything.

But she also kept working, hoping there was a way to save both of them. And she made the decision to stay here alone with death's messenger at her side.

Although she did her best to free her mind she couldn't keep concentrating on the thing that was necessary: Bonnie.

All she was seeing was a man holding a gun right in her direction, who was standing in front of her.

She couldn't do this, not in this way, not anyhow if she was honest with herself.

"Do you mind to take this… thing… out of my sight…? I really need to concentrate… Thank you."

Then she looked up again, seeing Callie standing there, opening her mouth. Her eyes were showing her anything she needed to know: She was trying to save her life. Of course she called the police. She just needed to wait and try to steal time. Callie was looking at her shaking her head, saying "Don't operate… just pretend… do nothing… We will save you…"

Arizona nodded while he was really covering the gun, giving her the change to breathe better, even it isn't steady. She just can't find a rhythm because of the things happening around her.

She still told herself that this is just a bad dream. A dream she might wake up very soon.

But instead he started to talk, ripping her out of her hopeful thoughts.

She just needed to wait, trying to escape when he wasn't thinking about it. She would get free with the help of some police men and he would get into jail.

"I'm… I was married…" he said honestly while he was stroking his daughter's hair firmly and his eyes never left her side.

Arizona looked up a moment; trying to find a reason why he spoke and she find pain and sorrow in his eyes. He wasn't an insane man, he was just broken.

He used past tense with his voice trembling. Arizona recognized that intentionally.

"She was wonderful… you know… her eyes very gleaming all the time… she was one of the optimistic… I wasn't like that until I met her, you know… She was beautiful… And when she told me she was pregnant I was the happiest man alive!" He was laughing bitterly at the thought. Memories usually hurt; Arizona had hard lessons to learn that in her life by herself.

"She was so… beautiful… and Bonnie exactly looks like her… I… I lost her… because she had cancer… you know… I couldn't do anything… I was just at her side, hoping and wishing and dreaming… I couldn't help her… and then she died 5 years ago… I tried to be strong for Bonnie… she was the only thing that matters… the only thing I have left… and can't see her go…"

Arizona's tears filled with eyes while she looked at him. Yes, he was broken, and all she could do was trying to fix him, by fixing his daughter. How could she not do it? How could she try to escape like she thought about minutes ago? How could she do this to a man who lost anything??

"I know what you mean… I've lost people in my life I couldn't save back then… that's why I became a doctor…"

Tears filled her eyes, because she made a simple decision. She wouldn't pretend. She couldn't pretend.

She was looking up again, because she needed to see the girl who was the most magnificent sight she has ever seen. She would have given anything to touch her cheek with her hands, to stroke her skin firmly again, just one more time. She would have given anything to tell her the words she now told her with her eyes:

"I'm sorry… but… I can't let her die without trying… Maybe… Maybe I'll success… Maybe not… I don't now…. But… what ever is happening… I hope you can forgive me…"

As she was looking away she heard a scream from above, but she didn't look up.

All she said was:" Let's go…"

Words which changed everything.

Every of their lives.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – Sometimes it's too late**

It was like in a movie, a kind of movie she might have liked if it wasn't reality. It was thrilling and full of action. Police officers were entering the hospital with guns in their hands, entering the quiet floor which was empty by now.

Every thing was filled with silence, each single room, even the one where 20 doctors of Seattle Grace were sitting.

It was silent, because everyone was tensed, scared of what could happen. Everyone had a connection to the blond woman, who was to be heroic, to do the right thing, to follow her heart and who was trying to hide her true feelings.

Each of them had built up a relationship with the perky doctor and even the persons who were sitting there with food in their hands, chewing with pleasure, pretending to watch this like they would watch a normal movie. Even they were thinking back and remembering the time they shared with her, with one of them.

That's what she was and what she ever would be. One of them.

* * *

Christina was eating her sandwich while she was following the whole situation almost bored.

"That really annoys me... I mean… That REALLY annoys me! She's operating on a girl who can't be helped and then with a boring disease like that. I should be doing an operation on a heart! Heart Surgery!!! That's where I should be now! But instead I'm sitting here because the Chief cancelled it… Hey, I have desires too! Maybe I should come with a gun the next time to pressure the chief to let me operate… That'd be a smart idea…"

Wasn't it ironic? The woman, she wished, who should loose her perkiness for just one day, was standing there, really losing everything she was once; and Christina, who was never hoping and wishing for others than herself, now wished Arizona would annoy her with her perky self again. Even she would never tell the truth there was something inside of her that cares.

"Shut the fuck up Yang!!" Karev replied, facing the whole situation. "Could you have respect? Just now, please…" he murmured.

But Respect was something Christina Yang never had.

Nevertheless respect was something she felt right now.

* * *

One thing she ever tried to avoid was spending time at peds surgery.

One thing she ever tried to avoid were perky people who were staying happy all the time.

Two things she couldn't avoid were days at peds surgery with a perky doctor all around and made her even angrier.

Just one day working in peds with the less grown-up woman who still wore Heeley's and was perky all the time, who still believed in miracles, were enough to make her even more pissed of.

But as she shouldn't have enough of the person of her sleepless night, which included rainbows, happy people sitting round a fire singing and playing guitar; and the object of the most worse working days in history; was now standing right in front of her as she was entering her own apartment.

"Please don't let her be moved in… Please, god, that's the only thing I'm asking for right now…" Christina prayed right before she let out a pissed:

"Are you following me?? What are you doing here?"

She couldn't understand why, but the woman In front if her laughed.

"I'm decorating the room!!" She replied laughing in her sweetest voice, while she was lighting around 100 candles of a different size.

"That's what I guessed… But why?? And why do you have to do that here?? Not that I want you to see here after work… it's hard enough to sleep when you are here…" Arizona was slightly blushing, but never loosing her smile. "I'm living her too, you know…"

"Of course I know that, Christina."

"For you it's still Dr. Yang…" Even Christina's sniffy behaviour couldn't ruin her evening. The evening she would spend with her girlfriend to celebrate their first month together, which has felt like an eternity to her. A good eternity.

"Don't try to destroy this. Don't be rude and don't dismiss the thing that's called Love. Don't dismiss what we have, what I have. I do this, because I have love, … I have so much Love in me and sometimes I feel like letting it out. It's my way to show how much I love her. And you are not able to dismiss this, because it's strong… it's love!"

Her smile was growing even wider.

How could she smile like that all the time? Isn't she getting muscle soreness? Or is her jaw already used to that? How could Callie, who was a bad ass Ortho once, now being in a 'happy-rainbow-we use phrases like cute and awesome to describe each other – butterfly- relationship", survive all this??

"Ourgh…" Christina let out a disgusting sound, before she was heading into her own room to escape all the perkiness.

"How corny… But, well, you have luck… I'll be away in a few minutes…"

Arizona nodded knowing and as Christina was leaving her room, dressed, she was still running around in the living room which looked like Barbie's room or a gift ship.

"Corny…" Christina mumbled, before she was heading to the door. "I hope this is going to be like it was before I'm returning…"

"Don't worry! It'll be."

"Tell Callie I will be back tomorrow afternoon…"

"I'll, count on me…"

Christina nodded; happy to be able to leave all the perkiness behind, but then she perceived a voice, so honest and caring.

"Dr. Yang… I think you should give love a change and let it be a part of you. It doesn't have to be like that for you, but it's like that for me, all corny and perky. But I wish you could respect me and the way I'm living, the way I'm coping with things and I wish you could give it all a chance… Believe me; it's wonderful, no matter how you spend your time with it…"

Christina Yang was speechless and so she left the apartment. She pretended she wasn't even listening. But honestly she wished to be able to believe.

Arizona Robbins words never left her mind, though she tried desperately to cast them out.

* * *

"I have respect…" Christina replied crustily and almost not audible, while she was looking at the blond doctor.

"I do respect you."

Sometimes it's too late to tell the truth.

* * *

There was a reason they called him McSteamy. And there were enough reasons for him to rather believe in hot sex than in passionate and 'true' love.

He was an intelligent, awesome and hot doctor who was addicted to sex. Why shouldn't he live his life like that and why should he waste his time with something that was divined to go wrong?

He has seen a lot of this. A perfect example was Callie, his best friend and the girl he cared the most.

Once she was married to George who betrayed her with his best friend Izzy, what broke her into pieces. Then Mark had sex with her, but he knew she was still broken.

Subsequently Erica appeared and she was fixing her, at least a little bit. But he knew it wouldn't last long. It was the way Callie acted, how she behaved and he knew she would never cheat on someone she loved and if everything was just fine.

After Erica left Callie became the old cold hearted bad ass Ortho who didn't believe in love.

Mark never thought it would be possible for her to fall in love again. But he realized that even gods can make mistakes.

It was a brief moment and a brief kiss they shared. A kiss that made Callies heart melt and Mark ears almost swollen. Callie used to talk the whole time about how amazing Arizona was, how beautiful and tender and how lucky she can be to have her in her life.

And he realised that his best Friend was finally fixed, happy and full of pure love, like he has never seen her before.

"Hey Callie… you need a portion Mark and hot sex? A little bit variety and to see if it's right this time???" Marks asked her once thinking of Erica and not knowing how the new girl really was. At first he thought it might be a second Erica.

"No, Mark, thank you… I know this is right… I only need her and I only want her… I know what to do this time. I just simply know that this is right."

And he believed the honesty of her words, but he couldn't trust the perky girl in her life until he really met her. He was distrustful and concerned.

Well, it was his job as her best friend to be like that.

But a few weeks later he learned how it was to love and how it was to be loved. He knew Arizona wasn't another George who would cheat on her, or another Erica who would leave her without saying goodbye. She was someone else, completely different from the lovers Callie had and beneath her perky annoying self she was amazing. She was the one who made Callie whole again.

Arizona Robbins was the reason why Mark Sloane believed in love and care again.

* * *

The day had been rough. Not for him, but for his best friend. Her dad was coming to town with a priest at his side to pray away the gay, like Callie explained it to him with tears forming in her dark eyes. She could have had her old life back, but instead she was fighting, taking the risk of loosing everything. And she lost everything she once had.

He knew how much her family meant to her and he also knew how much she would appreciate some good alcohol pouring down her throat while she was listening to some gossip from Mark. It was the way they always coped together. But this time it was different.

When he was standing at her door ringing, being ready to cheer her up it wasn't her open the door.

Instead another girl was standing in front of him.

"Robbins?? What are you doing here?" He asked her confused.

"I'm Callie's girlfriend… Well… I'm used to be here I guess…" She replied with a perky smile. Her usual permanent smile printed on her face like a tattoo.

"No… I mean… Yes… But, where's Callie?" He said out loud, trying to get his best friends attention anyhow. But she wasn't anywhere.

"Please keep your voice down… She is sleeping… It was a hard day for her… she is exhausted…"

Mark looked her intentionally in the eyes, realizing how concerened she really was. It was love he saw there.

"Oh okay. I guess I'm leaving again…" _Seems like I'm going to drink this bottle of tequila on my own…_

He was already heading to the lift when he heard her voice, calling out for him, quietly.

"Dr. Sloane! Wait! Maybe, if you want, you could stay over… I made dinner and I think Callie would be happy to see you here…" She said… smiling and he couldn't resist. Now smiling, too.

"I really like too." No of her lovers accepted the time Callie wanted to spend with him. But Arizona was different. He was entering the apartment he knew so well by spending nights with his friend drinking. But he stopped abruptly in his tracks looking down at her.

"By the way… Call me Mark…"

"Super!!" She replied happily.

_Super??? _

Usually he would make fun of people like them, using words like that, but now he just guessed she was the right for Callie. She was the one who made her entirely happy and he respected that.

"So… just lay your coat down… I', going to wake Calliope… my sleepy head…" she said soft, heading to the bedroom. He know he shouldn't disturb them, giving them some private space, but something was leading him into the same direction, showing him something he wished for even he would never tell the truth.

Callie was lying in the bed, sobbing quietly with her puffy eyes closed from all the crying. Arizona was with her, kissing her cheek and her forehead while she was stroking soft over her hair, trying to calm her down and she was kneeling beside her side of the bed. When she was there she shared all her girlfriend's feeling, all the pain and the anger and the sorrow filled her heart and she lost her perky self to be there for her. She did something no one has ever done for her: She did everything, anything to heal her wounds, no matter how long it would take. Mark was sure she could sit there for hours, looking at her, letting her know she was there if there was a thing that was need to be said. Arizona was someone Callie was looking for so long.

"Honey… Mark is here, because he cares for you… and I made dinner, your favourite food… Spaghetti a la Arizona. You are going to join us?" She asked her almost whispering, but the words reached Marks ears nevertheless.

But Callie wasn't answering and she had her eyes still closed. Still crying.

"I know you are hurt… But I'm here, Calliope… I will be here and I'll go each step with you, believe me. No matter what's happening… I'm there and I won't leave… W E are going to get through this, because… because… I love you… you hear??? Even if everyone is leaving, I'm still here…"

It was the first time Callie looked up in the eyes of the girl she loved, too, and Mark has never seen a glance like that. She looked straight into her eyes, but she wasn't saying anything. Instead she replied with her lips, founding Arizona in a passionate kiss.

"Arizona…" She said, her voice sounding very hoarse and she was trying to breath.

"Scht… You don't have to say anything…I just want you to know that…" And that was what she really wanted. She didn't expect anything but her feeling better. She didn't except to hear these words. Her heart was full of love for the woman in front of her and nothing else mattered.

"But I do… I want to say something… I love you, too…" Her tears were captured by Arizona's lips, right before she kissed her on the lips, crying too. She was happy like never before, even she has lost everything, she had won a price that was better than anything else in her entire life.

Mark, who has left the room to give them some private space, was stunned and the things he saw and heard made his heart ache like he never thought it would be able to. But he was magnified, knowing Arizona was the right for Callie and he started to believe in something called Love and he spend the best nights for a long time with his old and his new found friend.

* * *

Arizona was true, she was honest and she was someone that made him smile at the thought how much Callie had changed.

How Arizona fixed her and healed her broken Wings. Callie was flying again, and every time she felt like falling Arizona was there to comfort her. But now she was just hovering, the hope was the only thing that kept her from falling, without Arizona at her side.

"I thank you…. For saving her…. Thank you for being there for her and for so much more…" He whispered honestly.

But sometimes it's to late to tell the things you want those people to know.

* * *

Everyone had their names. There was McDreamy, McSteamy, the Grey Sisters, bad ass Ortho, the robotor and of course there was McPerky. She also had a Name they gave her someday. She was called the Nazi, because she was cold, that's what they thought; she hated personal stuff and she didn't talk about it neither at work nor in her spare time, because she was happy to be not reminded of her personal life. She acted like that, because it also helped her to cope with lost. She has lost too much in her life, too many people she built up a relationship with.

But this time she couldn't not care about her. Every time she was around it was hard for her not to care. When this woman was around she felt like she had to protect her, because she was too nice, too perky, she couldn't differ between right and wrong, good and bad, and she was too naive, only seeing the good things in people who wanted her worse, her downfall.

This time she seemed like she couldn't understand, because she was too good, too emotional to stay save. And right now Bailey wanted to save her or maybe to scream at her, telling her she shouldn't save her life because there were people waiting for her outside.

But the same time she smiled to herself with her heart aching, knowing it was just how she was, how she felt compassion for the man, after what she had to go through. But it broke Bailey's heart and she knew she would have to put herself together and she shouldn't get so personal with the young doctor.

She knew how it would end. There were only two options and both of them would be hard for all of them. Either Arizona would die or she would loose herself completely after not being able to save another little kid, like she lost herself once.

* * *

Her day had been exhausting: Her husband was ready to take the final step to their divorce and she was too tired to argue, she was too tired to fight for their marriage or to do anything else. She couldn't contradict, because he was right: Her job was her life or at least the bigger part. And the worse thing was she couldn't even be mad at him, because he was right. Maybe she would do the exactly same thing if she was him.

Tired she stepped into the next on call room at 10 o clock in the evening trying to rest a little bit right before her next shift would start, but all she found was not an empty room.

"Great… abs-slut-ely great…" she mumbled to herself, annoyed. Couldn't there be any spare room in the whole hospital? Couldn't she be on her own after staying hours with a bunch of people??

But she couldn't stay annoyed; instead she started to worry, because the blond doctor in front of her wasn't saying anything. And this wasn't like her.

"Dr. Robbins??" She said calmly, being annoyed of herself. Why couldn't she just leave this woman alone? Not that she hadn't had enough problems. Why should she care about hers? Maybe it was a simple fight she had with Callie.

As she reached the fragile looking woman who was shaking, she knew it wasn't just a simple thing. She looked like a whole bunch of problem lasted on her shoulders.

"He died…" She just said… still not looking at her.

"What?"

"Wallace died and he never should have… His parents… they wanted to give money to the hospital… and I should make him healthy again…I did it even I knew it wasn't right… I did it even I knew it… I killed their son…I killed him by my hands, by my will…" She trembled and her mouth escaped desperate sobs.

Bailey didn't know what to say or what to do. She thought about leaving, but her heart was stopping her. She liked that girl. She really liked her; she cared about her, more than she should, because every time she started to like somebody they died or get sick or leave.

Even she was scared of letting her feelings leading her, she was taking another step to take her arms around the girls body. Even she was smaller than her, she was strong enough to hold her firmly. And then suddenly she saw the woman in front of her break down with tears in her eyes and silence screams filled the air, but Bailey's didn't leave her. Instead she was holding her, weeping her, until she calmed down. She was there for her, like a mother for her child.

"It wasn't you that killed him… You tried your best. I know how much you care. You didn't kill him… You are an amazing doctor, Arizona…"

It was the first and the last time she called her by her first Name.

* * *

Someone screamed and got her abruptly out of her thoughts, and she realized what happened as soon as she realized that Callie was on her knees and Arizona was still operating, not just pretending.

"Oh my god…" She said out loud, realizing that maybe it was too late to save her, because now they couldn't save her while she was doing an operation.

"I care for you… God… you have to stay save, Arizona…" The words left Baileys lips before she realized how much she cared for the younger girl.

But Sometimes it's too late to tell the truth.

Sometimes everything is too late.

* * *

**A****uthor's Note**:

THANK YOU sooo much for reading this story and for giving me reviews! It's fun to write this; even it's difficult sometimes, too. I hope you are going to like this; even it's also based on other characters. I don't know if I should go on with this in the next Chapter… you know a "Sometimes it's too late 2" or should I go on with the normal story??

Tell me what you think!!!

And critic, no matter what you are thinking, is appreciated!

Have a nice week!

-Sun


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **Just a short Chapter to give you your Sometimes it's too late 2 with Callie's flashback… afterwards I'll return to the normal story I promise! Thank you for reviewing this! The Chapter may contain a little bit of adult stuff – I'm not that good in writing this- just a warning!!!

Reviews are always appreciated.

-Sun

**Chapter 5**

„What's going on here?" One of the men asked, looking around the corridor, not knowing what has happened at all. They had called him and his men, but the only thing they knew was that it was important for them to hurry up. All they knew was just a simple statement to lead them there: There has been an incident, a man with a gun in one of the OR with a doctor in hostage.

He was a police cop, of a special unit, handling hostage cases but even he had a lot of experience he had never heard of something like that.

"A man is in there… he is completely insane! Oh my god… poor Arizona…" It was Lexie who answered while Callie was still frozen in her tracks.

Until she was told to leave by Arizona she was standing in front of the OR, waiting, praying, and almost crying. She was mad, she was mad at Arizona for making her leave. She was mad that she was so heroic, she was mad because the blond woman cared so much for her, being in danger, alone, to keep up her safety. Of course she was full of anger, because she couldn't do anything and her life was slipping away from her like soften butter from a knife. A few hours ago, a few weeks ago everything was just fine, but now she could feel her life changing bitterly and she was grabbing for her old life, pleading, to come back.

How could she be out there when Arizona was in there not just battling for the patient's life?

"Who is he??" Callie heard the man in the uniform asked seriously.

"I… I don't know…"

"You know anybody who can tell me his Name? It's important for us to…"

"Parker… His Name is Parker… Steve Parker… He is he father of a girl who has a tumour right behind her heart which isn't able to be healed. It was a case Arizona was working on for almost two years… He forced her to do this operation…" Callie replied through her teethes, her voice sounding strange in her own ears.

"She is operating right now??" He asked confused.

"Yes…"

"We can't go in there if she's really operating…we can't afford one of her patients being in danger… She has to stop this. Someone has to tell her to pretend to do this. If she's going to operate we can't do anything…" Callie nodded scared. Was it already too late? Before he could say anything else she was rushing into the room were everyone else was sitting, trying to reach Arizona with her eyes. But she wasn't looking up, completely lost in her thoughts while she was talking to him, starting the operation though.

_It isn't too late. No. It can't be too late._

She prayed for her to look up so she was able to read in her eyes. Callie needed to tell her to stop, to do nothing than pretending to save her own life.

And suddenly their eyes met a brief moment, but all Callie could think about was one of their first nights together and how she was mesmerized by her beauty and her magnificent blue eyes.

* * *

_It was a simple kiss, after Arizona told her for he first time the magical three words. It was a simple kiss after Callie stood up, walking towards her, whispering the same words into her ears and Arizona's body shivered. It was the reaction of her body to Callie's touch that drove her crazy. _

_When Callie was around she couldn't __breathe, because she was breathe-taking, her love over taking her body. And when Callie touched her she was trembling, because her touch was magic, realising a deep feeling she never felt before. _

_But then this simple kiss developed and both of them felt the heat growing, their bodies shaking in excitement._

"_I want you… I want you tonight…" Arizona said in a low husky voice. _

_Callie looked up in her eyes, never breaking the contact. _

"_You do?" Arizona nodded with the hint of a smile developing the dimples she loved the most. _

_Callie knew how exhausted she was and that she was usually very tired after a day like that. Usually she was lying down, asking for Callie to lay down with her to hold her through the night, but now her voice and her eyes were full o passion for the other girl._

_Arizona's action was enough for Callie understand she really did. Her hands worked with her shirt, and she couldn't wait to expose her naked and beautiful skin and it only took a few seconds until Callie's shirt dropped on the ground._

"_I really do…" She whispered in Callie's ears while she kissed her bare chest. _

"_I want you close to me… I need you so close…" _

_Her fingers were trailing circles over her tanned body and she reached her breast, squeezing them lightly, making the other girl moan._

"_I can't describe how much I need you…" Her hands reached Callie's jeans, opening them to help her love guide out of them, right before she was laying Callie down on her bed. And she kissed her tenderly, while she was feeling elected by the Goosebumps under her fingers, and her lover moaning. _

_Callies Voice sounded so wonderful in her ears and even she felt the arousal burning up in herself she couldn't stop pleasing the love of her life._

"_I need you with me…" Arizona whispered in her ears as her hand slipped in her lovers pants, being welcomed by wetness and Callie's voice trembling. _

"_Forever…" She kissed her tenderly while she was grinding with her fingers and then with her whole body against Callie in a soft but wanting rhythm. _

"_I need you… in every possible way…" She hushed when she felt Callie screaming out her name, and she kissed her tenderly._

_When Callie opened her eyes she looked into her blue eyes, which were full of love and lust, with her fingers still rubbing on her wet clit, wanting to give her all the pleasure she deserved and she realized that was just a part she loved about Arizona. The love they made was perfect, more than perfect, it was magnifying, breathe-taking, amazing. She never felt that complete and satisfied before. It was something that made her Arizona love more and she knew she would want to spend the rest of her life with her, in her arms._

"_I love you so much…" Callie said while she was moving her hand under Arizona's shirt and right before she was kissing her tenderly._

* * *

And she tried to say everything, pleading her to stay save, because she couldn't loose her. Not now. Not anytime. She needed her forever. Every single day it was becoming clearer to her: She wanted to spend the rest of her life with the blond girl, and because of that she had to stay alive.

She was trying to say anything she thought with her eye, pleading her not to do something wrong, but it was too late. Her eyes also replied something she wished she never had to hear, but it was the truth. Arizona Robbins was going to try everything, even it meant her death and Callie was left, now sobbing, because she needed to say more. She needed to touch her, to feel her, to talk to her and at most she needed to ask her one single question.

_Are you going to marry me, love of my life?_

But sometimes it's too late to do the things you want and need. Sometimes it's too late to tell how you feel.

But sometimes it's too late to go back and it was too late to go back for Arizona.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: **Thanks to everyone who is giving me review! You are ab-solut-ely my muse! And thanks to everyone who is still reading this!!! I hope you enjoy it! And you know… keep reviewing if you want this to go on! I really enjoy writing this for you!

In love

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 6**

„Tell me about your loss. Tell me why you became a doctor… who you couldn't save…"

His voice was strong, like he enjoyed it to feel her pain, but also full of compassion and honest interest, and she also heard how nervous he was. He was strange, in a 'father who loves his daughter madly' – way, in an 'I need someone who understands' – way that intermingled with a pure of hate way of thinking.

Arizona cleared her throat and answered him even she thought it wasn't the right time for some sort of small talk, but she wasn't really in the position to say no either. Before she started to talk she looked up and opened her mouth finally to reply, but all she wished was Callie with her, to feel finally save. She'd just asked her to stand beneath her, because she couldn't feel anything warm without her. Without her presences her hand felt cold and her heart was shivering too. She needed her warm presence to stay brave. She just needed to hear her breath and her voice telling her everything would be just fine in the end. She needed her to say that, because she knew it wouldn't be. All Arizona was doing was retarding the inescapable.

The moment he entered the OR pointing a gun to her head, forcing her to do an hopeless operation; the moment she looked Callie the last time in the eyes, because she didn't want her being into danger; the moment she started with it she knew it was the last time she would smell her scent or touch her skin ever again.

Back then all she wanted to do was getting her out of the room to know she would be save, but now she was selfish, and she wanted, she needed her by her side to get strength; the strength to tell her story, but also the strength to make her accept that it was to late and she was going to die, to let her die peacefully.

As soon as she opened up Bonnie she knew she couldn't escape anymore and answering his question was like a last confession, telling her story that bothered her for years might save her soul.

"I was seventeen years old when my grandpa died…" She finally said her voice still strong.

"He was sick for years. He had cancer and he died. It was painful, but I realized it was his time to die. He had a long nice life, full of joy, that's what he told us weeks before he died. I was sad, though, but I accept it. But… But just 2 years later we found out that my six years old cousin was sick… first no one knew what was wrong… but then… finally, they realized he had cancer, just like my grandfather… And he was only six years old… he was… so young…" Her voice was already trembling and her tears when she saw his face in front of her eyes with his beautiful blue and clear eyes and his blond hair.

"He was so young and he first started playing football… you know… he loved sport and he loved his big cousin playing game with him. I read stories with him when he learned to speak or couldn't sleep in the night. Sometimes I needed to come around in the evening, because he wanted me to read stories to him. I played with him, I visited his games and I saw him growing up. I was staying with him when his parents couldn't and he stayed at my place, because I loved him to be around. When… When he got sick and he couldn't walk anymore without anyone holding onto him I stayed day and night at the side of his bed and I told him stories about his first girlfriend and basically about love, about his first kiss he would share with a wonderful girl, about his graduation and his career as a footballer and that he might get sick of me someday. He told me that he was never going to be sick of me while I was stroking his wet hair. He was shivering and so broken, and I couldn't do anything.. I just knew he would die and it was the only thing I could do. Watch him die. He said that he loves me and asked me if I'd play football with him as soon as he was being healthy again. I promised it. I promised him that he wouldn't die." She laughed hysterically and dry at the same time.

Tears finally left her eyes, a single tear dropped down her pale looking skin and she had to concentrate strongly to keep herself together.

"He grabbed my shirt and he clanged onto me… and I… I could see him fight and I screamed for help while I was weeping him forth and back. But less than that I couldn't do anything… I couldn't do anything… Nothing… That was the moment I knew I was going to be a doctor, because I couldn't take it to be helpless like that… and every time I'm operating on a little child… he's with me…"

She looked away from Bonnie's body; instead she was looking at her side with her voice breaking. And he was standing there, for years he shared time with her in the small room while she was operating. He was standing there like years ago in a white dress and his blond hair was falling into his face. Every time he smiled, giving her the hope that there wouldn't be another coffin. But this time he also looked terrified into her direction and she knew what that would mean. He was her angel of death.

"He is the reason why I'm here…" She said with her voice only a whisper and she cleared her throat as she was looking away from him.

"I'm sorry for your loss…" When the words reached her ears she shivered. He was the one, who would kill her, but the one who understand what she was going through and who felt sorry about it. H absolutely knew how she was feeling, because he was now in the same position as she was years ago when she was nineteen years old. He was helpless and he couldn't do anything and she was the one he "trusted". He believed that she was the one who could save his daughter, because he was the doctor who cared about her all the time.

"I guess you know how I feel… I also guess you understand why I'm doing this. I can't… I can't loose her… I don't know what I'm going to do without her, I won't survive with her shining face and her around me. Bonnie is all I have left… She's my life…" Arizona nodded knowing this feeling oh so well.

"You have someone you can't live without?"

Arizona closed her eyes when an intimate scent reached her eyes and she felt some pair of lips on hers.

"Yes… There's someone I can't live without…" She replied while her mind was filled with her face.

* * *

_The tiny coffins were always there. They were her permanent company, and they started when Collins died and it got even worse when her first patients died. She saw them at most in her dreams and almost every night she jolted awake, sweaty, crying, remembering the people she couldn't save.__ Sometimes she saw them while she worked, imagining how their future would have looked like. And sometimes she was shaking uncontrollable and it took her often two hours to calm down completely again, but the fear to drift of to sleep again was still there._

_Because of that she avoided it to sleep at Callie's place, because she was falling in love with her so badly and she was scared to scare her away and that she would run away from her, because she would realize Arizona wasn't just the happy optimistic one. She also was broken and she was meant to be fixed, she needed to be fixed. And Callie was the one who made her forget about her problems and the nightmares which haunted her in her dreams. It wasn't away, but some days it felt better, like there'd be a future without them disturbing her at night, haunting her at day, leaving her no time to breathe or think about something else. _

_But even Arizona tried so hard to stay awake every time they watched a movie together this time she was too exhausted to stay awake on Callie's couch, while Callie was cooking for her._

_She had lost one of her patient that day after a 14 hours operation and that happened after she was going home. An accident happened right before she could even leave the hospital and she has already been on her feet for 19 hours. _

_As soon as she entered Callie's room she placed herself on the couch right after she has kissed her slowly and tenderly. She mumbled a short "I'm sorry" and drifted off to sleep._

_But it took only 15 Minutes to bring her nightmares back. She started to heat up, her breathe shorten and to her it sounded like she screamed until her voice failure and her throat was hurting badly. And suddenly she felt hands around her shoulders, a voice she knew so well entered her mind and she desperately tried to come back to life. But it took another few words to open her eyes and recognized Callie sitting on the edge of the couch. As soon as she was awake she hid herself in Callie's strong arms._

_She clunged onto her life her life depended on it._

"_What's wrong Ari?" Her voice and her eyes were full of concern speaking soft words, kissing her wet face. _

_Could Callie feel her heart race? Could she feel her pain and her sorrow as she stroked her hair? Could she feel Arizona's need to stay in her arms? _

_Arizona couldn't stop, even she felt better with each minute passing and each time Callie touched her skin. But she was still afraid. Afraid of everything and she felt guilty. Most of it she was afraid of loosing Callie, the one she cared so much for. As if Callie could read her mind she whispered softly into her ear:" I'm here…I'm.. here…" while she kissed her skin to calm her down and to dry her burning tears. _

_After minutes of weeping she settled down in Callie's arms, her breathe slowed down until she breathed normally again; Callie was still rubbing her back, hugging her tightly. _

_As much as Arizona liked to talk to Calliope she was too exhausted from her nightmare. All she wanted to do was lying down in with her arms around her body, to smell her, touch her, listening to her soft breathe. She would explain everything later; now she was too tired to tell Callie her story. She was too tired to be reminded by telling her story to Callie. All she wanted to do was sleeping a whole night through. _

_But it seemed like Callie already knew, at least a part of it._

"_It is about the tiny coffins, isn't it?"_

_Arizona looked up, her mouth forming a simple "how"._

"_Karev… he told me after a patient died. He realized you are right and not just a cold hearted bitch like he thought when you were babbling something about relationships and rainbows when you were getting the organ for a sick boy. He told me afterwards…" _

_Even Arizona was scared of her being mad with her; she realized she wasn't by looking straight into her eyes._

"_I've waited for you to tell me, because I realized how painful it is for you… I didn't want to pressure you…"_

_Arizona never experienced something like that and she realized Callie wouldn't leave her; she would be there, hopefully forever and in her heart she would be there for eternity, and she also realized she wasn't just falling in love with the beautiful woman in front of her, she was already so deeply in Love. Arizona realized that she loved her._

"_Take me to bed… Please…" She whispered and Callie nodded, smiling._

_The rest of the night she slept peaceful for the first time._

* * *

Hours have passed by in which she was standing there alone, using her second hands to operate. Her feet's were already hurting like her whole body and her heart was aching. Each minute that passed leaded to her end and tears were forming in her eyes when Callie was all she could see.

She thought about the nights they spend in Callie's bed, in their bed; the nights they were dancing or eating pizza, going to Joe's to talk about their day, cooking together, watching movies, snuggling spooned. The nights they were making hot and passionate love or when they had quick sex in the on call room when desire overtook both of their bodies. But each time it was full of love, passion and meaningful. It was the best thing she ever experienced.

Each sound reached her ears bleary, but the beeping sound got her back into the world, into reality. She felt fear rushing through her veins and her body was shaking, but she needed to concentrate. She needed to stay alive. She needed to do everything to see, to feel, to hear her again.

"What's going on? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" He screamed at her, waving his gun, until he pointed at her head.

"She is bleeding right into her heart… I need to shock her heart… I need to…"

She grabbed for the paddles and before she was shocking her heart with the metal hands, massaging them, praying for it to pound again, she looked up in Callie's tears strained face.

"150…" She finally screamed loud, to herself, but nothing was happening, and when she looked up she saw him, crying and the gun right in front of her eyes.

She needed to survive, not for anyone, but for her.

For her.

"If she dies… YOU are going to die, too!!!!" His voice was trembling in the same rhythm of the beeping sound of the heart monitor.

"200!!!!"

And the sound of the metal hands connected to her motionless heart was filling the air. It was the sound of the death's laughter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors Note**: I have to thank you again… a LOT! You are really great readers and I hope this story is entertaining, even it' a little bit dark. The next Chapter will be short, I know I'm sorry, I ab-solut-ely know how all of you feel, but I have to do a lot and I don't want you to wait a long time until I upload the next Chapter. Because of this you get short Chapters, but I hope that's satisfying though.

Have a nice weekend and hopefully I'll be able to upload another Chapter… and please don't be mad at me!

_-Sun_

* * *

Chapter 7

Eventually she gained the control over Bonnie's body, but not over her own. She hadn't control over the things that happened or over the things she would do and try, even though she decided to go this way.

A long time ago she had given the special oath ach doctor had to give, but for her it was a special promise she would never break. She had sworn to save people life if it was possible and if it was not a hopeless risk, not if it was going to risk one of her fosterlings life.

She would start a fight with anyone: with Yang, Baileys and the other doctors; she would even start a fight with the chief if it was going to save a life. For god's sake, yes, she would even start a fight with god in person.

But this time her enemy was too strong, too dangerous, too threateningly to handle.

This time she couldn't start a fight. This time she couldn't defy without paying a big price, and this price would be her life.

Nevertheless she was stepping back, just a small step, to signalize how her decision was.

"What are you doing??" he asked hysterical and scared, his face still wet from the tears and the fear was printed down on it permanently.

The fear sticking deep down in his limbs, controlling his action, filling his mind.

"I'm not operating anymore…" She answered strongly, even when her heart was racing and her limbs were shaking and she looked up into Callie's face, which was strained with tears. She wished she could go upstairs just to kiss her tears away, to touch her lips once more, how she did it always; she wished she could explain her and why she was doing this; she wished she could say anything to take the pain away, to say sorry she wasn't able to keep her promise.

* * *

_When she was laying in the large bed with Callie and all the candles around her she felt like the happiest girl in the world, and in her eyes she really was. _

_She never has experienced anything like this. Of course there had been nice girls she really liked, but with Callie it was different. Callie was breath taking, stunning and unbelievable beautiful. Even she was difficult and complicated sometimes, because she shot her out, in Arizona eyes she wasn't the bad ass ortho everyone thought of her._

_In Arizona eyes she was beautiful, in and outside, she was caring and her smile was killing her and every time she touched her Arizona was melting. _

_The nurses, who liked rumours, warned her. All of them warned her of going out with the dark haired, because she was pretty crazy. She was not like them and of course she has slept with Mark Sloane without being in a relationship. They even said she has betrayed her last girlfriend. But Arizona didn't care. She hasn't even asked Callie if it was true, because she wasn't interested. She wasn't interested in her old faults and she wouldn't judge her for the things she has done. All that mattered was now and not the past and she really didn't care._

_All she wanted to do was holding her, forever and a day and she hoped that Callie would feel the same._

_But suddenly she recognized tears in her lover's eyes and felt the cold drops on her soft skin. _

_Immediately she was alarmed, stroking her face and asking what's wrong with her blue eyes looking straight at Callie._

"_I'm sorry…" She whispered with her voice loud so Arizona tried hard to understand what she was saying._

"_Why??" She whispered, still stroking her face and her hair._

_She couldn't think of something she had to be sorry about, because there wasn't anything._

_Arizona has never felt better in her life, now with her naked girlfriend laying at her side after hours of breath taking and amazing love making._

"_Because of this…"_

"_You don't have to be sorry… but… why are you crying?? You know I'm here…"_

"_I know…" She replied, still crying and it felt like she was starting to shake too. "It's just… everything is beautiful… with you it feels so good, so real… so right… and… I'm scared, because this with us felt better than anything before…"_

_She knew what Callie was talking about and why she was scared, what she wanted to say with this, but she waited for her to speak out._

"_I… I need you at my side, Ari… I don' want to live without you… and… and I'm scared that I have to life without you… I'm scared you'll leave me someday… and I just realized how much you mean to me…"_

_Her heart was aching when she heard Callie say those words. It was everything she needed to hear to be sure that she was loving her, too, even she they haven't said those words yet. Her heart already knew it._

_Arizona didn't answered first, instead she brought down her lips to Callie's, capturing her in a passionate kiss, feeling her wet tears touching her own skin. She first broke the kiss when she had to breathe, but her head rested on Callies, pressing down a short kiss on her wet cheek._

"_I'm not going to leave you… I will be here all my life, because I can't be without you and I don't want it though. I will be here forever if you want me to. Because… because I love you…" It was the first time those words were said and Callies eyes widened while Arizona was kissing every part of her face, smiling._

"_I love you…" She kissed her on the lips forcefully to show her she was honest._

"_Oh god… I wish you would know how much I love you…" Her hands wandered down her beautiful and naked body until she reached her centre, forcing Callie to pant ad breathe heavily with enjoyment._

"_I will be here… forever…" She replied while she settled herself down between her thighs, grinding into her wet centre, still caressing Callie's clit with her fingers. _

"_You… You…" Callie tried to form words, while her body was shaking, hot and flustered and full of arousal. Only Arizona was able to make her feel this way._

"_You promise?" Callie asked hardly audible with a husky voice._

"_I promise…" Arizona whispered in her ears and made her coming like a thousand times. _

"_I promise…" She replied once more while she settled down on Callie's body with her fingers still inside of her. She enjoyed the feeling of being a part of the woman she loved._

"_I love you too…" Callie answered right before both of them were drifting out, pressing down a kiss on Arizona's wet forehead._

* * *

All what she wanted to do was keeping the promise, telling her exactly these words over and over again for the rest of their lives. But she couldn't.

But however she knew that she would die. Anyway.

Bonnie wasn't able to be saved, that was something she couldn't deny. If she was going to operate and Bonnie dies she would be death too, shot by her father. It'd be her death sentences.

Wouldn't she operate there might be a chance to save her later with any treatment, there would be the chance to retard her coming death and there would be the chance for her to survive, too.

For her. For Callie.

"What are you saying?" he looked terrified, and she could see his heart breaking and his hope fading. His last hope has gone with her.

"If I'm going to operate, she is going to die. She will die Steve, because her body is too weak. She is too weak to come through another operation…" She answered with her own heart breaking and she tried to show him how much she cared. And she really cared.

Bonnie, all of her patients, wasn't just an object, something she had to work with. She was a human, she was Bonnie.

6 years old Bonnie. Funny caring Bonnie. Stories and Exited Bonnie. Happy and hopeful Bonnie who had a bright smile.

"No..NO! I don't want to hear that… You are going to operate for sure – NOW!"

He waved his gun around and she was jolting as a forceful screamed left his mouth.

He didn't realize how serious it was and she understood. Of course she wouldn't either, without knowing what would happen to her, but she also need to think about the small girl in front of her which stayed awake each morning to see the sunrise.

"You saw what happened! Her heart hasn't just stopped for any reason and it was pretty concisely! She could have died! She isn't able to survive another…"

"You... ARE GOING… to …"

"She'll die Steve! If I'm going to operate she will die…."

"…operate…"

"I can't do anything else... I did all I…"

"You are going…"

"can…You have to be rationally and spend the time you have left with her…"

"to…" he raised his hands to his head rubbing his ankles, trying to fight the voices in his head and her voice being a part of them. He didn't listen, because all he wanted to do was going back into the past where he and his wife were raising their healthy little daughter… together.

"Steve… please listen to me… You have to think about what you are doing. Bonnie needs you… She needs her father…"

"operate… you are going to…"

"I'll be there. I promise, but she's going to die if I operate now."

He didn't listen, all he heard was a lie, her betraying him, and all he saw was his baby girl smiling, but her face was already fading away. He was losing her.

"Steve… please… Be reasonable..."

He was losing her… and the voices…

"Steve…"

…Became louder, unbearable, and her picture became weaker.

Arizona tried to reach him, because she realized he was going to break down with his eyes shut and all she wanted to do was helping. All she wanted to do was saving all of them.

But the voices in his head became louder, telling him what would happen, a revelation that killed him and made his blood burning in his veins and finally he realized desperately that Arizona was the reason why Bonnie was dying. There couldn't be someone else to judge. She was the reason and she would pay.

"YOU… are… going to…"

He saw her mouth open up again, but the words never reached his ears, because the sound of two single shots were filling the air, intermingling with his strong and desperate voice:

"…OPERATE!"

He screamed these words out loud, but she couldn't listen.


	8. Chapter 8

**THANK you so much!!! I appreciate your reviews; they are my muse, my will to go on! I'm glad you all liked it even it's tense. **

**Volerian: **Here it goes! I hope you like how it's continuing! Maybe another "Oh my go".

**campkgurl**: Thank you very much! I'm glad you're not mad. =D Oh yeah… I LOVE cliffhanger. There can't be enough, huh?? Well, because of my short Chapters I really can't avoid them… I wish there would be longer ones, but I'm really stressed so I'm used to upload shorter Chapter so you don't have wait.

**AnneBuffy: **Thank you very much! I'm happy you like it… I'm sorry… but I don't know if she survives this… It doesn't look that good…

**AOSVULOVER89: **great you liked it =) I just stopped for a little cliffhanger, but here it's going on!!

**shawn-n-belle: **ohhh… I adore Arizona! To be honest I think she is the best character Grey's ever had… and I don't like myself for letting her get through this. But maybe there will be a happy end?? I really don't know… it doesn't look that good now…

**Jubi129: thank **you =) hope you like that too… but warning… it's tense…

**Halfrech3929: **You are not alone! I'm freaking out too! =D your reviews freak me out! I'm sorry I keep you waiting and tensed that long!

**zla2: **Ohhhh no! You need to stay alive! It really wasn't my intention to kill you with this! And here is your short but intense update!

**ShaskaShane: **Thank you=) To be honest I never thought about flashbacks In the story, but everytime I'm writing they come into my mind and I'm happy you like it. To be honest I think Callie really is that vulnerable, but she doesn't show that very often. Arizona is the one who is healing her, giving her the belief in love back and I really adore that!

**But enough chatting here!!!!**** ;-) It's going on…**

**Chapter 8**

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and she wanted to die, because she couldn't take the thought of her leaving her in this world, but instead all the pain captured her and made her doing the most stupid thing in the world.

Everyone thought it was stupid, but for her it was the only thing she could do. For her it was the only way to get through this. She had to be with her, no matter what would happen and she regretted that she wasn't there all the time. She regretted that she left her alone, but now it wasn't about regretting. It was about staying strong, saving her life, her love.

* * *

_The gun shot__ filled the air. It was the sound of death that captured their minds as they jolted up, closing and opening their eyes again. It was a humanly jerk to the sound, it was humanly to them to wish she wasn't involved, but when they opened their eyes it was already too late._

"_Oh my god…" These words escaped their mouths almost simultaneously and they dropped their hands in front of their mouths to fight the urge to throw up._

_The blond doctor was still standing, but her eyes were open wide like her mouth and she didn't say something; she was just standing there until she raised her already shaking hand to her stomach and all they saw as a red colour intermingling with the white colour of her coat. _

_She tried to breathe but she couldn't because finally she realized that this wasn't a bad dream; that she wouldn't wake up soon. Her misgiving and her fears became the truth, even she prayed for it not to happen. All she could think of was Callie, their last moments and it felt like everything happened within seconds, all the memories kept rushing through her mind when the pain was overtaking her whole body. _

_When the pain also claimed her competence to stay and her body finally collided with the cold hard door she could only see the face of her brother. Did he felt the same way when he git shot twice? Did he also remember the beautiful things in his life he would never be able to do and see again? Did he also see the one he lost in front of his eyes like she did now?_

_A crowd filled the room and she could see them in front of her eyes. She was always scarred to die, because she was scared to die alone. But she wasn't. She wasn't alone after all._

"_I'm scared…" She whispered hardly audible and he smiled at those words, his blond short hair falling into his face uncontrollable and his blue eyes were fixated on her shaking body. He smiled sadly while he kneeled beside her in his uniform. _

"_I know. But you don't have to be afraid… We are here…"_

_He replied, but his voice sounded strange in her ears._

"_Who…" She asked looking around and finally she saw him. The one who was always there, but now he wasn't smiling like he did each time she saw him, watching her doing an operation._

"_Robbie…" He answered easily._

"_Are you here to get me?"_

_He didn't answer, but the pain was slowly rising and she felt like her life was drifting away from her. _

_Of course they were here to get her, but even her heart was achi__ng, asking for them to be a part of her life again she didn't want to leave the world now._

_She didn't want to leave Callie. _

_She couldn't. _

_He didn't answer yet, but this was the answer to her question and all she could do was sobbing, bringing her hands to her bleeding wounds._

"_I don't want… please… I can't please…"_

_He smiled apologetic, but her time was coming._

_Finally she closed her eyes, because she couldn't bare the fact that they were coming to get her. She couldn't bare the thought of leaving her now._

_Her brother died because there weren't enough doctors, and she was here, a doctor on her own, in a hospital; but nothing could save her. No one would be able to save her now._

"_I'm sorry…" she whispered, but not to the ghost of her brother and her cousin and not to Steve or Bonnie; instead she hoped it would reach Callie's ears. _

* * *

_When she saw her body colliding with the floor she knew it was real, that it wasn't just an illusion. She felt her own body falling down on the floor and arms around her body to give her support, she heard thousands words to kill her unbearable pain and she heard all of their shocked voices, when her heart was asking for Arizona._

_And when she looked up, opening her wet eyes again she realized it really was the truth, but she also realized she wouldn't give up. She wouldn't leave her alone, no matter what was happening she wouldn't leave her alone now. She would save her; she would do anything. Everything._

_And suddenly she stood up, even when her knees felt weak; she rushed out of the door. But when she reached the OR knowing what was waiting for her inside the room, she felt a pair of hands on her shoulder holding her back._

_It was Owen, his eyes full of concern. Of course it was him, running in the same direction like her, because he was someone who really cared. Someone who respected her completely, who thought she was an incredible and caring doctor and person. He was someone who understood her dreaming of tiny coffins; he was the one who felt understood by the small happy blond doctor who was also affected by war, even she has never been in Iraq, she knew the pain, the anger and the sorrow, she knew what war made with people, because she has been affected. _

_Owen was someone she would trust Arizona's life with, but now it was different. Now she had to do it, even she would loose her own life. _

"_Callie!" His hands grabbed her arms to pull her back, to get her away from the death cell._

"_I'll go in there."_

"_No!! I'll go." She replied, surprised by the strength of her voice._

"_Don't be stupid! I'm used to this kind of situation. I know how to go through this!" She looked straight into his eyes, knowing he would risk his life to save one of them and she knew he was trained to work under pressure like this, but it was her who should be in there. It was her who should have been in there all the time._

"_And I know her more than I know myself…" Was the only answer that convinced him to let her go. It was the love and the fear in her eyes._

"_Be careful… Take care of her… Get her out of there… I'll get someone to get you two out of there as soon as possible…"_

_He replied before he stormed away, leaving her to it and she was standing there in front of the OR collecting gauze bandage and other things to stop her bleeding, to save her life, until someone was going to save them._

_She took one last breath, before she opened the door, leading into a room full of blood, sorrow, hate, fear and a hint of hope._

* * *

He walked up and down; her voice and the expression on her face when he was shooting her never leaving his head; and he tried hopelessness to find any solution.

But he was the one who shot his and Bonnie's last hope down. The woman now lying on the ground in front of him was the only one who could have saved Bonnie and he shot her down because he didn't have the self-control. And now she was lying there, dying, slowly.

And there wasn't a sound except of his footsteps and her unsteady low breath, reminding him of what he has done.

As he entered the hospital with the gun in his hands he never thought about really using it. Of course he would use it to save Bonnie; to force them to do the operation is they weren't willed to save his little girl.

But he never thought of using it to hurt someone, but now he couldn't turn back the time and he wouldn't if he could, because Dr. Robbins was also the one who killed his child.

She was responsible and if Bonnie couldn't live, she shouldn't either.

And suddenly he heard the door opening, and footsteps echoed in his ears and he lifted his gun and his head immediately coming face to face with the Latin woman; eyes to eyes. The woman who didn't want to leave hours ago. The woman who seemed to have a strong connection to the woman who was lying on the ground.

"What are you doing HERE?" He asked almost afraid and his hands were shaking.

He couldn't kill another human being, but he would if he had to.

"I'm here to save her life…" Callie replied simply with her dry and hurting throat.

She knew she had to control herself and the hate which pulsated in her heart and she had to control herself at looking at Arizona, because she would get to emotional and she was to vulnerable to save her life. First she had to convince him of her intentions, to stay alive on her own.

And while she spoke she took a step forward to Arizona lifeless looking body.

"No… NO! Get away from her!"

"Mr. Paker… Listen to me… If she dies, you'll go to jail right away and you'll never be able to see your daughter again." She replied honestly and it really was the truth.

Of course he would get judged for what he has done by now and if he wouldn't get judged she would trace him and chase him until he get punished; but with Arizona dying he had to go to jail without a doubt and he would never see the sun again.

He remained still and Callie's body tensed.

The love of her life was hurt, seriously hurt, she could hear her panting; but all she did was waiting for an answer and she couldn't bear the thought of being here but not able to save her when she was a doctor.

But finally he answered with his voice low, but forcefully.

"Do it… Get her stable and then leave."

She nodded.


	9. I will follow you into dark

**AN: **THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! Unfortunately there's just a small part… I'll continue this in small steps until Christmas, because I'm writing another story that should be finished until Christmas… But I hope you are satisfied with that by now.

The lyrics is "I will follow you into the dark" by Gavin Mikhail. Original by Death cab for Cutie.

All my love to you!

-Sun

**Chapter 9 – I**** will follow you into the dark **

**Love of mine**

When Callie first laid eyes on her everything else just disappeared and was long forgotten. Even Mr. Parker and the gun in his hand was something that doesn't matter anymore.

All that matters was her.

But when Callie first laid eyes on her, her whole body was aching like her sorrowful heart and she stopped right in her tracks; she couldn't move anymore.

Her love was lying there, bathing in her own blood which adorned the white cold floor and her shaking hands were remaining at her side, knotted, like her whole body and all that came from her mouth were whimpers and desperate sobbing.

Callie wanted to run; she wanted to leave the place where Arizona, the most caring, beautiful and nicest person, was a part of a crime, struggling with death.

Arizona shouldn't be here; not lovely, perky, in-wonder-believing, sweet and hopeful Arizona. All she ever did was giving herself away for others, trying to help them and make them happy. All she ever did to Callie wasn't describable.

It was more than Callie ever thought to get from anyone.

Arizona was her life. And her love.

**Someday you'll die**

Life is limited. It's something you learn very early in your life and you can't ever deny it. It's a hurtful fact, but it's a fact.

Callie learned to fill each day of her life with love and joy, because then it'd be a good life. Her parents told her to do that, from now on forever.

But her life was far away from love and joy.

Erica has left her just like George. Yes, she really followed his lead. Unfortunately it seemed like everyone around her followed this lead. Maybe it was a grudge? Maybe it was because of her? Maybe she didn't deserve something more?

Even she would never be honest to others she cried herself to sleep each over the ones she lost. She cried herself to sleep when she was able to sleep at all. Nightmares were a part of her restless sleep and she thought it'd never change; until a pair of pink lips touched her lips so slightly and soft. Until a body was pressed on hers each night she went to sleep and blond curls were in front of her eyes each morning she woke up again after a night full of peaceful dreaming. Until Arizona came into her life so suddenly Callie was scared of her leaving her on her own again.

But she stayed; she stayed even when Callie messed things up sometimes and she stayed, until Callie wasn't able to live without her; and her love for Arizona was unlimited.

Of course her love was limited by life, by their bodies, but the end would be far away. Death was something she never thought about before. Instead she spend the nights with Arizona In her arms to think about growing old with her; with Arizona still in her arms, with beautiful grey curls, with her perky-self, still jumping around and wearing Heelys, still drying her tears and making her laugh. It was strange and something Callie never did before. But it was strange in a perfect way.

Callie thought about growing old in her arms, but she never thought about dying, because the moments she spend with her were to perfect to think about anything bad, because life was too beautiful how it was… back then.

But now death was right in front of her and she didn't know how to handle it, how to act around her when all she wanted to do was crying and confessing her love to her.

But instead she decided to stay strong, because that's what both of them needed. Callie needed to stay strong to save both of their lives. Because if Arizona dies, Callie would die too.

**I'll be close behind**

She did one step after the other, freeing herself, until she kneeled beside her lifeless looking body, taking a full view of what had happened and it hurted her only by looking at her.

Arizona had her eyes still closed and she frowned slightly and Callie could see the pain printed down on her face. A sweaty wisp of hair was sticking on her face which she intuitively slowly and softly pulled away with her fingers.

It was the connection of their skins that made her open her eyes forcefully even it was hard for her to open them when all she wanted to do was sleeping and drifting away, escaping the amount of never ending pain.

"Calliope?" She whispered with a trembling voice and all Callie could do was smiling sadly with tears welling up in her eyes as she heard her broken voice calling out her name so quietly. She loved her voice and she loved her saying her name. But now it was hurting her too much.

"Yes, Ari… I'm here… I'm right here…" She replied, stroking her forehead and her cheek like she did every time. It was something she did every time to calm her down after she had one of her nightmares again. But this time it was so much more, it was real pain and it was reality, when she wished it was just a nightmare.

Arizona looked so vulnerable and her skin was paler than usual.

"What…"

Her voice broke down before she could finish the sentences, because everything she was doing was hurting her too much.

Breathing, moving, speaking. Everything hurted, even keeping her eyes open. But she couldn't keep her eyes away from the beautiful sight in front of her either.

All she wanted to see before she was going to die was her, her eyes and her lips and her smile. Her beautiful smile.

"What… are you… doing here?"

"I'm here because of you, Ari….I'm here because it's not your time to leave this world, because… because… You need to stay with me."

Tears were already laving her yes and it was Arizona who raised her shaking hand to dry them slowly while she was trying to smile.

She didn't want her to leave either. But she also didn't want her to be in danger.

"You… You can't … You can't stay here Calliope. It's… too dangerous…."

She finally blurt out with her voice shaking like her whole body. The selfish part of her wished for her to stay, because she couldn't do this, she didn't want to leave this world without her at her side when fear was overtaking her body and her mind.

But the love for the woman in front of her was even bigger and because of that she couldn't stand her being in danger and her heart was asking her to leave; to be completely saved.

And the craziest thing she has never felt like this about anyone before. She has never felt that addicted, responsible and in love with someone before.

"I'm not leaving, Ari.. I'm never going to leave you… because…. Because I'd die for you… you listen to me.. I'd die for you if you are save instead. Only stupid person would do something like that and I'm stupid, because I'm in love.

God… how much I love and need you… so… I won't leave…. For god's sake… I won't leave, because we are going to save you… together… Ari… together."

Her hand reached for her sweaty check, stroking it firmly as she said the next words.

"Oh god… I would even follow you into hell to get you back."

She laughed bitterly. Yes, she already followed her into hell. That's were she was; and she would stay here until she got back her old life. She would do everything to see her health and save again, to be able to touch her and taste her; she would do anything to feel her love again.

Even loosing herself.

"**I** **will follow you into the dark**…"

She whispered as she pushed her lips toward Arizona's, capturing her for a short but tender kiss, telling her exactly how she felt for her and that she wouldn't leave. **Never**.

She would stay at her side. **Forever**.

Forever was a long time, a big word to use. But with Arizona it was easy for her to talk about Forever.

And while they were kissing briefly both of them felt the tears of the other on their faces and they realized that they were meant to be.

_To be continued…_


	10. Illuminate the no's in the vacancy sign

**Authors Note: **I'm sooo sorry I let you wait so long for this Chapter, but somehow the holidays, the Christmas fan fiction and work was coming into my way, but here it goes and I really hope you all like it, even it's a lil bit dark and scary. I'm sorry I have to let Arizona get through this. I can't say if she'd going to survive… let's see what's happening next. Thanks to all of you! I really hoped you had great holidays!!!

The song is still "I'll follow you into the dark".

Enjoy, and remember I really… reeeallyyy appreciate your comments. They are my muse.

**-Sun**

………………………………………………………………………………………………**.**

**Chapter 10**** - No blinding lights **

**No blinding lights **

**or tunnels to gates of white**

When Callie was about opening her clothes with a scalpel to see in which state she was, and how worse her wounds were, she hesitated. Scares over took her body and her hand wasn't working. Instead she was shaking, her eyes full of fear what she was going to see and who had these wounds, who was lying in front of her, drifting into unconsciousness slowly, but surely.

She knew her body to well. She knew how she was looking under those clothes. She knew her nevus right under her right breast and right over her aitch-bone; she knew her small belly button she loved to care with her kisses; she knew every thing, every part of her body, how she taste and how she smell; She knew exactly where she needed to touch her to please her; She knew her, oh, so well, and she loved her, her body, how she ached, how she seemed so electrified by every touch; but now it wasn't about caressing, it wasn't about love making.

Now it was about saving her life, her body, a body she wished would belong to someone else.

As she moved the shaking scalpel to the blue and white dress of her girlfriend she already knew it wouldn't be good by looking into Arizona's eyes, but what she actually saw made her feeling the urge to throw up intentionally.

"Oh my god…" She murmured on the verge of fresh tears leaving her eyes.

Arizona wasn't just hurt; she wasn't just seriously hurt. Arizona was deathly hurt and it was a wonder she still breathed.

"What…?!" The pain was unbearable when a simple word left her mouth. Her whole body ached and she knew she was going to die, but hearing those words from her lover's lips made it even worse. As soon as Callie was entering the room a spark of hope was rushing through her veins. But now all the hope was slowly drifting away again.

"What… is… it?" Arizona asked through her teethes, but Callie wasn't replying. Instead she kept her eyes on the red marks.

"Callie..." She spoke out loud, freeing her out of her freeze. But as Callie looked up into her eyes she knew she shouldn't have asked.

"It's… It's nothing… Ari… it's fine… it's nothing to worry about."

Arizona laughed out loud bitterly and another deluge of blood left her open wounds freely.

"You have always been a bad liar, Calliope…"

Callie swallowed hard.

Of course she couldn't lie, because nothing was fine. Her life became a mess within a few hours, because her whole life and her whole meaning was lying right in front of her, stripped to the waist only wearing a blood imbibed bra.

There were two entrance wounds that captured her gaze. On was in her belly and the other right over her heart, seriously close to important organs.

But it wasn't the only thing she realized: She also realized that she wasn't able to do anything for Arizona's salvation.

The bullets entered her body without leaving it again and so they tucked right in there like a ticking bomb, that might explode each moment that passed by, taking her life away and Callie wasn't able to do anything to stop it.

She was the best in fixing bones and she could assist in operations were she was needed, of course she could do that, but that wasn't something she has ever done. They were to close to her organs and the risk of taking her life away too high.

At this moment she hated herself for being so selfish and going in there.

Hunt was the one who was trained for these sorts of wounds. He had to deal with that each day in Iraq. He knew what to do, he would be the right one, but instead she was sitting here, helpless, looking into her ocean blue eyes, she could lose herself in.

"You are hurt, Ari… You are seriously hurt… There's a wound right over your cymbal and right over your heart… If I'm…" Callie tried to explain with a trembling voice, but Arizona stopped her right away, before she could finish her sentences.

She didn't want to hear those words out of her lover's beautiful mouth. She didn't want her to have to say those words.

"Don't do anything…" She simply said, shocking Calliope.

How could she do nothing?

How should she just sit there without trying anything to save her life?

"No… No! Ari, we are going to save you. Of course we are going to save you, because there are children who need you, even the others need you, because you are kind, gentle and you would do anything… you did anything to save a life. You are always doing what's right in your opinion and you… you are so strong… You care for your patients more than anyone else around here… Ari, even the chief needs you to stay alive… the hospital need you and most of all… I need you more than anything … more than anyone else… So be quiet now and let me try…. Because… seriously, you don't wanna mess with me." Calliope split out through her tears laughing at her own words like the woman In front of her.

Even Arizona was scared of her injuries that might kill her and took her away from her love very soon; her eyes were full of love and she tried to smile weakly.

"So… I'll get Hunt… We need Hunt…" Callie said more to herself than to anyone else right before she was standing up, facing the gun once more again.

For Arizona's salvation she would subscribe her perdition.

"We need another doctor." She blurted out loud and determinant.

**If heaven and hell decides **

**That there are both are satisfied**

**Illuminate the no's in the vacancy sign**

Steve looked at her, his gun still raised, until he laughed out loud like it was a good joke she had told him. His laughter was loud and strong and it sent a shiver over Callie's back.

He didn't look like he would give her another thing. His hands weren't bloody, but she could see the blood pasted on his hands and arms. He was the reason why all of this happened and she couldn't understand how Arizona was able to feel compassion for him. But wasn't that something she loved about her? Her understanding? Her feelings? Her compassion and her will to understand everybody?

"I said you are allowed to fix her and then leave again… NO other doctor in here…" He said as determinant as she.

"We need another doctor to save her live. She is going to die without any help!"

"I said only you… I allowed you to stay! NO OTHER DOCTOR!!" He screamed making her jump. But even when she was afraid of the object in his hands she was taking a step forward. It was Arizona's life they were talking about and she would do anything to save her.

"You listen to me you sick bastard… if she is going to die, I swear I break each bone in your body until you wish you was never born…" she cursed, taking another step forward. That was all she wanted to do for what he did to Arizona. She wanted to break his bones; she wanted to make him pay. She wanted his life. She felt something strange growing in her, pure hate, like she never felt before in her life.

She even ignored Arizona's pleading, who said out her names, who whispered words that should calm her.

"Another doctor will come to heal her… you understand?"

When she took another step forward he raised his gun to her head.

"NO! And another step forward and I will shoot your fucking head!"

"Calliope… please…" a whisper came, intermingling with his angry voice, but she couldn't glance away from the gun in his hands. She would do anything to get Hunt, because without Hunt Arizona would be lost.

"Yeah?? Really? You want to be responsible for another dying doctor in this hospital? I tell you what we are…"

"Shut up!!! Shut up, bitch Take a step back. NOW! Or I'm shooting you!!!"

Callie didn't listen, instead she cursed again their voices like a canon in Arizona's ears and her head were almost exploding. It was a pain in her heart, the fear of losing her to death that made her crinkle. She wasn't able to take the pain anymore. She wasn't able to listen to them. She wasn't able to do anything… Except…

It was Steve who pointed the gun to Calliope's head, using it wouldn't be a problem. He had nothing to lose anymore. Listening to her voice his fingers slowly crawled to the trigger.

And suddenly a scream filled the air.


	11. Just our hands clasped so tight

**Chapter 11**** – Just our hands clasped so tight**

**Just our hands clasped so tight**

**Waiting for the hint of a spark**

Both of them slipped around suddenly, looking at the woman who laid on the ground, breathing heavily, ruckling.

Her scream was so strong, stronger than the words that followed.

Her voice was shaking and low, hoarse. The pain was taking her ability to speak away, and all she could do was trying to find the power to speak those words out loud.

"Please… stop it…" She was saying in Calliopes direction. She was pleading and begging her to get back to her, instead of risking her life for something that was already lost.

She was lost; she could feel it, and all she wanted was touching her, feeling her, hearing her angel voice once more, before she was drifting away. She knew everything was too late, and trying to save her by fighting with someone who wouldn't hesitate to shoot her wasn't an option in her mind.

"Please… stop… it… and come… to me…" Callie heard the urge in the words and realized what she has done. She has done nothing else than scaring her, because there wouldn't be any way to get Hunt.

"_Be careful… Take care of her… Get her out of there anyhow or… I'll get someone to get you two out of there as soon as possible…"_

_He replied before he stormed away, leaving her to it and she was standing there in front of the OR collecting gauze bandage and other things to stop her bleeding, to save her life, until someone was going to save them._

She thought of his words, hoping he was able to get someone soon. She couldn't do anything, except of being there for her.

One last glance into his direction, before she took a few steps backwards where Arizona was lying, struggling with death.

When she kneeled down beside her, her hands intuitive searched for her hands and all she did was taking her hands, stroking it firmly with her thumb like she did each night, each moment they were hands holding, walking through the hospital corridors or through the city, each time they were sitting with their friends talking.

It was something Callie loved about Arizona. The connection they had, even when they were just touching and stroking their hands and how much they needed to touch each other whatever they were doing. It was something magical Callie never experienced before. Not with George, not with Erica or Mark. It was something Arizona set free in her. It was Arizona who changed her in every possible way.

And now, even they were captured in the grotto of death, Callie still felt love rushing through her veins when she touched her so slightly.

"Please… Callie…" She blurted out in a whisper, not able to call her how she called her each time. It hurt too much to speak; even looking at her was hurting every inch of her body.

But even if Callie would be the reason she had to die, even if Callie was poison for her, she would give everything to be with her, just for a moment.

"Just hold me…"

Those simple words made the tears well up in her eyes, because she knew it was the only thing she could really do. It was like the last wish that came from her so, oh, soft lips, she ached to kiss. The last time those words were spoken Arizona cried her heart out because of her brother who has died. It was the anniversary of his death and Callie didn't know what she should do. Arizona whispered a simple "Just hold me…" that made her heart tingle, full of compassion and love. And of course she did it, she held her through the night, while she cried, to show her she was always there.

Now she also saw the need laced in her baby blue eyes, and she gave in, taking her rumbling body into her arms, giving her support and warmth.

And when she felt her so close she settled her own head on her shoulders, taking in her scent.

She smelled like blood and death, but there were something else. There was her scent; the scent Callie loved so much and she closed her eyes for a moment, remembering the days she had her in her arms, knowing that she was the love of her life. Too often she thought about that, but now was the first time she realized that all she wanted to do was growing old with her and she hated herself for being so narrow-minded. She should have listening to her heart earlier, more than to her mind that told her not to do this step after the thing that happened with George. But Arizona wasn't George. She was so much more, and with lying there she finally realized what her heart screamed for the whole time.

She wanted to marry her. She wanted her to be a part of her life. **Forever**.

But now it felt like it was already too late and salty tears left her eyes, burning ugly lines into her face.

"I dreamed… about… a house… a white house… with blue doors… or maybe red doors… and a porch with two simple comfortable chair and a simple table… so we… so we can sit out there in the summer… watching life greeting us… in summer… we… we could sit there and we could have flowers and plants… and in winter we could have there candles and… and… blankets… as well… and the house is… big… even we are alone… and we could have a great garden… with a… swimming pool…"

Arizona started her future story, coughing furiously, feeling her life fading away, but she didn't care. She needed to tell Callie those things she never brought over her lips before. She never told her how much she wanted to move together with her and how much she wanted to marry her.

It was something she never thought about before in her entire life, until Callie got a part, the main part of it.

"…and… we will have… a beautiful… house…. Choosing every thing together… the bed… we need a big and comfy bed like yours… and a beautiful and big kitchen... where I… where I can watch you… because I love watching you cooking… and maybe we won't life there alone… some-" She coughed again and Callie whipped her back and forth, crying.

"…someday… there could be… our children… I never told you… but I always thought of it… very often to be honest… because I want to share everything with you… each experience… I… I never thought there could be a perfect life…" Her eyes filled with fresh tears and soft sobs left her mouth.

"I never thought there would be anything else than living, surviving, hoping… but when I met you I knew… it can be perfect… I dreamed about our perfect home and live together… and I… I want you to know… that… I…I love you, Calliope… I love you so much that it almost hurts… and I will love you whatever is going to happen… and I… I want you to be happy more than anything else… you have to be happy… even I'm.. I'm…"

She wasn't able to say those words out loud, to admit her soon fulfilled future and Calliope didn't want her to speak out, too.

Instead she kissed her check from behind, trying to calm her.

"Scccht… Ari… don't say it… you know we are going to get out of here together… it just take time… but we are going to get out of here… I promise… because… because do you remember?? Do you remember the night where we resolved which places we want to see… Do you remember?" She whispered into her eyes and she waited for her response.

Arizona closed her eyes, her lips forming a faint and foggy smile.

"I remember everything…" She answered keeping her eyes close when the memories were over taking her shaking body.

**You and me**

**Have seen everything to see**

**From Bangok to Calgary **

**And the soles of your shoes **

**Are all worn down**

"_You know what I wanted to do, but I was never able to?" Arizona broke the silence, Calliope was enjoying._

"_What?" She replied, trying to find the strength to talk after a hard day in the hospital. Every one else would annoy her, but Arizona's voice made her forget, it made her feel peaceful again._

"_I always dreamed about travelling to another countries, states and citys. But I hadn't got the money and then my schedule was to stressful to be able to escape, and there wasn't anybody I want to take with me on my journey…" Her words were honest and also full of passion while her fingers searched their way under Callie's top to stroke her silk skin firmly. _

"_But now I've found someone I want to share those memories and experiences with…" She said without looking up._

_Callie grinned at her revelation and she had to confess that she was feeling the same. She had Never felt so pure about anyone else._

"_Where do you want go?" Both said in union, making each other laugh._

"_Hey let's start a game… I'm going to say a city or a state I want to visit and you are going to say another city/state with the last letter… alright?"_

"_Alright." Callie replied, grinning wildly. No one ever made her being exited about a simple game._

"_Hm… let's start with… Los Angeles…" Arizona said, smiling and acting like a child._

"_You have never been to L.A.? You can't be serious, Arizona!"_

"_Hey! That's not the rules… no mocking here!"_

"_Never been to L.A. but calling me the newborn…" She mumbled to herself, but loud enough for her to understand._

"_Hey!" She punched her on her shoulder, giving her a snapping glance; pouting and Callie excused herself with a tender kiss, taking both of their breath away._

"_Sydney…" Callie said while she tried to find her breath again._

"_York… that was a good way to apologize…" Arizona grinned mischievously. _

"_Kanada!"_

"_Alabama… You know the Movie 'Sweet home Alabama' with the guy who looked exactly like Sheppard, Calliope? I've always wanted to go there!"_

"_Arizona..." Callie blurted out laughing hard. "But well… I have been there a lot lately… and I have to say… I love it… oh… I love every part of Arizona…"_

_Arizona giggled at her comment, realizing again how much she adored Callie as she was looking at her seductively._

"_Oh yeah… I love it…" She licked her lips while Arizona was biting her lip. How could she resist her anytime?_

"_Maybe you could visit it again… soon…" She said in a whisper while she claimed Callie's body, settling herself beneath her legs, intuitive grinding, listening to Calliope's soft and needing moans that left her body, sending a shiver over her back._

_She settled both of her hands on her head side, giving in a moment to tease her with her lips hovering right over her already opened mouth._

_Arizona could feel her panting breath and she felt her strong hands crawling over her body, over her breasts and her stomach, until she reached the final aim, prodding to the part of Arizona' body she loved the most. _

_When __Callie entered her with two fingers she felt herself drifting away. _

"_I'd love to visit it__ again…" She whispered as her body started to movie in a pacing movement, feeling Arizona's body moving up and down._

"_I love you…" Arizona heard her whispering, right before she let out a loud moan._

"_And I'd love to see the world with you…" _

_When Callie said that she changed the position, until she hovered over her lover, pushing herself into her, grinding, panting, looking straight into her beautiful blue eyes. _

_And while she was mesmerized by her gaze she felt herself slowly drifting away in the sea of Arizona._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………_._

"I still want to see the world with you…" Calliope whispered softly while a single tear grazed her face, intermingling with the others that still waited to be freed.

_**Authors Note:**__ I know it's short and you want me to go on with the story fast, because you want to know how it's going to end and if she's going to survive. But I had to cry much when I wrote this, because it was full of emotions for me at most when I wrote the last part, their memory. For me it wasn't just about sex, it was more about their sweetness, their connection I wished I had in my life, and of course how they are facing death together. It's something that always takes my breath away. But now more than in any Chapter before. It was like sitting on the edge of a mountain, looking down, watching the sun goes down, knowing with that, knowing with the day ending, life is going to be taken away, too. _

_I'm sorry for the babbling. I really hope you enjoy this and I'm looking forward to your replies, because they are very important for me._

_See you soon & All my love to you who knows how I feel_

_-Sun_


	12. Cause we’ll hold each other soon

**Chapter 12 – Cause we'll hold each other soon**

**The time for sleep is now**

**It's nothing to cry about**

She could feel her own life fading away so fast now.

Each minute that passed it was harder for her to stay awake and it was harder to listen to Callie's mesmerizing voice.

Callie was crying while she told the weak woman In her arms how their life would be and she couldn't do anything else than smiling at the thought how their life really could have been.

They would have made a long trip through America visiting the states and cities they wanted to see; they would also visit their families, showing them how serious their relationship really was and then they would have married at Joe's with all their friends. Callie laughed at her own idea. Who in the hell would marry in a pub? "We would… because… I've found you there… it's the perfect place…" Arizona answered, making her cry even more. In their funny little world nothing was impossible.

The honeymoon would be settled far far away in a wooden house near a beautiful and silent sea. After two years spending in their own big house, their perfect little home, they would have children. Both of them would get pregnant of course, because they couldn't decide between blue eyes, blond hair and sweet dimples or chocolate brown eyes and dark hair. If it were boys they would name them after George and Arizona's brother. And they would give all of their love to them, leaving this day behind.

Two little children, looking exactly like them, running around, playing, their laughter intermingling with their own, was something they dreamed about right now. Something that would never be reality.

"Argghh…" A voice brought both of them back into reality and it was Arizona, pressing her own hand onto her still bleeding wound.

They dreamed an impossible dream.

Even if she was going to get out of here any time soon, which wasn't in sight, she has lost a way too much blood to survive this.

As Arizona looked at her bloody hands fresh tears were leaving her eyes, but all she could think about was Calliope. She had to be strong. She couldn't leave the world so distraught when her life before was all about love, hope and smiling.

When she looked up she saw both of them, remaining at the same location, never looking away. And she saw those crying silent tears.

There wasn't a hint of hope, nothing to make her believe she would have a chance.

Steve was pacing around, talking to himself, but all she could hear was Callie's desperate sobs.

"Don't cry… Please don't… cry…" She said to all of them.

"There's no need to cry…" A faint smile plastered on her weak and tired face.

"Nothing… to cry about…"

She tried to make her love stop, but as she was hard to be brave, tears never stopped to fall down, because she still couldn't believe what was happening to her.

Like Calliope she couldn't take the realisation that this would end right there when she had so much to say, so much to do. It couldn't stop here when she tried so desperately to hang on. It felt like her life was streaming through her fingers like blood squirted sand, and even she was trying so hard, she couldn't hold onto it. It was streaming and streaming.

But it doesn't feel normal and it doesn't feel right. It couldn't be. It shouldn't be.

"Calliope… please…. Don't cry…instead… I … I need to see your smile… I need to hear… your voice… your laughter… I need to… I … I need you…" She finally admitted to herself and to everyone else.

"I'm… I'm so scared… please… never let me go… please let me stay here… with you… I'm so scared..." Her sobs filled the room and the brave and fearless seeming Arizona was admitting her fear. The fear that made her body shake and her heart ache.

She tried to hold her pain back the whole time, but all she did now was screaming out in despair.

And her scream filled the room and reached even all of their ears, making them cry. Even people who never cried in public were touched buy her angle voice, full of pain, anger and questioning.

Something happened that none of them ever thought. Arizona was struggling with death, and not with one of her patients, but with her own.

**Cause we'll hold each other soon**

**In the blanket of rooms**

For Calliope it felt like a dream, a bad nightmare she had already gone through weeks ago.

* * *

_It has been a hell of a day: It was raining outside like god sent another flooding and Seattle was cove and she waited outside for Arizona who should has been here 20 minutes ago starting her shift._

_But suddenly she was paged. 911. Emergency. _

_Yay! Broken bones!__ She thought to herself ironically. _

_There has been a big car accident on the road Arizona usually took to get to work and it was a worse accident. It was so big that 6 of the involved people had to be sent to another hospital, because Seattle Grace was full. _

_The first questioned that entered her mind was Where the hell Arizona was, because she wasn't anywhere. Callie was rushing through the corridors, searching for her, trying to reach her, but she wasn't answering her phone at all._

_She told herself to calm down, because there would be a good explanation of course, but she couldn't get her heart to go steady again. Instead she heard her own heart beating furiously in her ears while she ran to her car, driving to her place as fast as possible._

_When she entered Arizona's apartment with the keys Arizona gave to her just a week ago she already cried, calling her name out loud._

"_Oh god… please let it be a nightmare…" She whispered to herself before she called her Name out another time, rushing through each room, until she finally heard a strange sound coming from the bathroom._

_Immediately she rushed to it, opening the door to find the woman, she was so scared to see never again, kneeling right in front of the toilet, her head leaning against it._

_Callie couldn't talk; she couldn't say anything. But instead she rushed to her side, slinging her arms around the fragile body in front of her, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair. _

"_Oh god… thank you… you're alive…"_

"_Of course I am… I have a indigestion like I said in your mailbox when I said I couldn't come today, because children are really not into puking doctors…but it's nothing to worry about, Calliope…" Arizona replied almost smiling, but though rising her eyebrow in confusion._

_Not even her mother was like that, and she was always worried._

_Callie didn't care of sounding stupid, all she could do was smiling kooky, realizing her mind was playing a trick._

"_I knew… I just… realized how much you mean to me and how lucky I can be to have you in my life… Ari… my life would so suck without you..."_

_Callie simply explained before giving her a quick kiss._

"_I guess I have to get sicker more often…"_

"_Oh no… because that means no sex…" _

"_Okay… I'm convinced…" Ari giggled._

"_And now go to bed, sweetheart. I'm making you the best soup you've ever tasted. It should help your sweet little stomach to heal very soon… and my libido to be rescued…" Callie said while she helped her up._

"_Don't you have to work?" Arizona asked while she giggled furiously at her comment._

"_No. I have to be here where I belong." _

_When Callie carried Arizona to her bed, because Arizona was too weak to walk (Callie was too worried to let her walk on her own), she knew she would do this her whole life, she would always care for her. __**Forever.**_

_As Callie exited __the dark room with a smile plastered on her face, a low voice stopped her from exiting to soon. There were things that must been said before._

"_And Calliope…"_

"_Yes?"_

"_I don't know what's going on with you today… but… My life would suck without you, too…"_

* * *

All the feelings that rushed through her veins were indescribable, insolvable, unbearable and incurable, bringing her perdition irrevocable.

Her heart ached, like her mind raced, how it has never been before and it was breaking; she wanted to throw up immediately and she knew the pain and the sorrow would destroy her body and her soul.

She knew she couldn't life without her and that realization made her hard to breath. No, she couldn't breath, because the irony of life itself and her soon coming death corded up her throat.

She would rather let her go, being with someone else, but knowing she was still alive.

Arizona's life meant more to her than her own happiness and anything else; but her life was slowly drifting away.

**If there's no one beside you**

**When your soul embrace **

"Calliope…" Her voice was so faintly and hollow and her voice so pale when death was standing in front of her.

She knew her time was coming, by seeing them walking towards her, trying to grab her hand firmly with an apologetic look in their eyes.

There was so much left she needed to say, so much that needed to be said, but she was too weak to find the words and to tell her everything she wanted to blurt out, but there were three words telling Calliope exactly what she was feeling and what Arizona needed her to remember the rest of her life. There were no hope left, but here love.

"Ari…?"

"I need you to know something…" She started, but Callie wasn't ready to hear those words coming from her trembling lips yet, because she knew what it would mean and she couldn't take it. She was far away from accepting it. She would never be able to.

"Don't Ari… Don't say it… Not now… because… you'll have enough chances and enough time to tell me later and tomorrow and next week. We will have the rest of our lives, remember? Just don't say it now…"

She rumpled, holding her closer, if it was even possible.

"Calliope… listen to me… I love you… I love you more tan life itself…"

"Ari… please… don't…"

"And I'll love you forever…" She said through the veil of her tears.

"…don't leave me…"

"Calliope… I love… you… don't you dare to forget that… I… love… you…"

She smiled as her world turned black. Calliope was still holding her in her strong arms and she could hear her voice, smell her sent as her world turned black.

She smiled and said:" I feel so save in your arms…" before she closed her eyes.

When those words left her mouth and she did her last breath, Callie laid her down on the cold floor again, her blond curls grazing the white floor.

She screamed out her name desperately, her hands rushing to her chest, but Arizona Robbins was long gone.

Callie did everything they learned in med school. But it was too late.

"No… NO! You can't leave me… You can't leave me here… Her salty lips touched Arizona's firmly, and she waited for a response, but there wasn't anything.

"Please, Ari. I'm nothing without you… please come back… please come back to me…"

Her forehead rested on Arizona's bloody belly and her tears became a part of it.

Arizona was already drifted away and so Callie left her life behind as she remained there.

And as she screamed out in despair, trying to fill the whole world like a fish tank with her unlimited pain a simple gun shot intermingled with her broken voice.

**Then I'll follow you into the dark**

* * *

**Authors Note:**

I know it wasn't really how you wished it to be, but there will be another Chapter and if you like there'll be more. We will see how it's going on… I am very sorry for this and believe me it really wasn't easy to write. Thank you very much for your reviews. Like you already know, they meant a LOT to me.

All my love to you

-Sun


	13. Chapter 13

**Authors Note: **

Hey seriously guys… you think I'd let her die right now?? Not yet… because it would be to soon to end this story. I want to give Calliope some hope like I want Arizona to fight, because she is a fighter. She is a good man in the storm and she deserves to get the change. So don't worry. That wasn't the end. Thank you very much for your reviews… I really need them after writing something like that! That's a short update, because I can't let you wait with the thought of a dead Arizona.

All my love to you

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 13 **

The screams still filled the air while she rested her head on her blood soaked. It was her already dried blood on her hands, but she couldn't leave and wash her hands, until she knew what was going on.

Hours had passed and she was still waiting and she wasn't interested that she was stinking tremendously.

She was stinking like her blood.

Arizona's dried blood on her hands, on her clothes, also printed on her weak soul.

She has been awake for hours now and the urge to sleep claimed her vitals, but she couldn't go to sleep when her mind was racing furiously.

She went through the events a thousand times, repeating it in her mind over and over again and she tried to understand what had happened.

She rubbed her ankles with her thumbs while tears left her eyes. Crying became her obsession.

And she waited and waited in the cold floor while doctors were rushing through the corridors and the news was spread in a hurry Callie couldn't believe.

Arizona was the thing everyone talked about. Her lovely Arizona.

And she was watched with puppy eyes, full of compassion. And she hated them for talking. Couldn't they stop talking and rather pray? Couldn't they pray for her in the silent chapel?

No, they weren't. Instead they told each other the story, how things have been. How things ended.

Callie stood up with her idly body, walking to the room, that filled her with hope and peace, almost mechanical.

And when she kneeled down, closing her eyes, whispers were leaving her mouth, praying, all she could think about was the things that happened hours ago.

* * *

_When she thought everything she ever really loved was gone a shot filled the air and she jolted up._

_The room was filled with voices. Loud, Screaming Voices._

"_GUN AWAY! PUT THE __DAMN GUN AWAY! NOW" _

_It was the voice of the police man she talked to hours ago. Hours ago when everything started that destroyed her life so hurried._

_The voices became louder and she spinned around but the tears was taking her ability to see._

_All she heard was something else, someone else entering the room and voices she knew were intermingling with stranger's voices. _

_She heard the familiar sounds of a litter and before she could react she felt hands on her shoulders, pulling her away from Arizona who was lying there, pale and motionless._

_She cried out her name over and over again._

_They couldn't take her away. They couldn't take her to the mall. _

_She couldn't hear anything, except of her own screams. And she couldn't see anything else, except of her lover's body taken away so fast._

_Callie tried to free herself desperately, because she needed to save her from them. _

_She needed to be with her. Forever. She needed Arizona to stay with her. Forever. _

_But the arms were to strong and finally she felt a hard slap on her right cheek, bringing her back to reality._

"_Callie!!" Mark's voice were ringing in her ears and finally she looked up, recognizing a familiar voice._

"_Mark… Where are… Where are they bringing her?? I need to get to her… I need to be with her…" She blurted out, trying to run after them, chasing them, catching them. But he was holding her back again._

"_Let me go… I need…" She couldn't finish her sentences, because she felt this hard slap from before another time._

"_You don't need anything!! You have to think of Arizona! She NEED'S. It's about her Callie…"_

_As soon as she heard her name she felt herself drifting away, giving herself in, in his embrace._

"_They are taking her to the OR, Callie. We are not giving up yet, Callie. We are going to save her… She isn't dead yet, Callie… she can't. Because you know little Miss Perky is a fighter. She wouldn't leave you just like that, you understand? She couldn't…"_

_Callie nodded finally, feeling endlessly tired._

"_Hunt kept his promise…"_

"_Of course he did… but it took long… Sheppard and Bailey are operating now with Yang…" Mark answered, stroking her back, trying to calm her._

_Finally she looked into his eyes, seeing the hope and the belief and finally she took her broken pieces together._

"_Bring me to the OR. I need to be with her… I need to be there when her heart is pounding again… I need to be there when she's waking up… I need to be at her side…"_

_Mark smiled at her words. Yes, Callie wasn't giving up._

"_You will, Callie. You will…"_

* * *

Arizona Robbins was still alive. But the question was how long.


	14. Ain't gonna lose you

**Authors Note:**

Thank you so much. You are really lovely! It makes fun (even it's also hard sometimes) to write this story and I'm thankful for your reviews!!!

Here's another Chapter… but this time in Callies POV. I guess it's necessary and magnificent to write it in this view. And I love writing in First person narrator. I just couldn't help!

So let me know what you think of it…

Should I continue with First Person narrator or should I choose in the third person narrator again??

At the end of the Chapter there will be a decision for you to make. But that's later!! Now Enjoy Chapter 14! The song is "Ain't gonna lose you" by Brett Dennen… Amazing song!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………**...**

**Chapter 14 - Ain't gonna lose you**

There's a proverb that says you realize what you had when it's long gone.

I never listened to those sayings, instead I laughed about them. I don't need such wisdoms to live my life. Until now I never gave a shit about them.

But now everything has changed, hasn't it?

My life changed within a few hours and instead of staying at home with her in my arms, watching a few movies we always wanted to watch together I'm sitting here on the cold ground and the wall is supporting my back. I would fall without any support. I would fall and never come back.

The saying is right. Now I realize what I may lose when she is leaving. I realize what I had with her and I hate myself for letting her down so many times when everything she did was fighting for us, being there for me, staying even I showed her the back of my head.

But all I had with her was pure. It was more than I thought I'd deserve in my life. She has become my life before I could do anything against it. And this time I don't want to do anything against; instead I want her to be there. **Forever**.

**you can put a stick in my spokes  
I can be the butt of your jokes  
I can be the laughing stock  
I can be the hoax  
****but I ain't gonna lose you  
no I ain't gonna lose you**

When I was sitting there with the head in my hands, because I was crying again, I realized what she has done to me. I remember the times we sat in her apartment, laughing out loud because of some jokes I was telling her to cheer her up after an exhausting day.

I did everything when she was exhausted and I knew she saw the tiny coffins again. Every time she opened the apartment door I could see it in her eyes.

I could read her eyes and she could read mine.

It was something we learned really fast. And sometimes we were just sitting on the couch; she was sitting across from me, our legs entwined, and neither of us talked. We were just looking at each other, until I opened my mouth to kiss her salty tears away.

I know she hates it to cry in front of me, because she doesn't want to seem weak, but she's also too sweet and caring, she is too emotional to not cry. And every time that happened I kissed her tears away, before I kissed her lips. It was a slow and tender kiss to let her know I was there and that I understood what she was going through; even I couldn't imagine the dimension of her pain.

I first realized how hard it was for her to loose one of her patient when she was crying in front of me while we had a dinner.

It should have been a romantic dinner. Just her and me on our first anniversary. She has been a part of my life for 10 months and it felt like an eternity already. I talked to Christina, who slept at Meredith's afterwards and I told Arizona to come over after she has finished her work.

When I opened the door I welcome her with a kiss and a happy "Hey! I'm glad you made it!"

She smiled and talked to me like every time. But I could see it in her eyes, I could feel it in the way she kissed me, I could hear it how she spoke. It was strange for me, because I never knew anyone so well except of my sisters with whom I grow up.

But with her it felt different, it feel different.

I know what she's thinking, I know when something's wrong. I can tell it by the way she's walking and her curls are moving.

And that evening there wasn't anything bouncy or happy in her way. I know she was pretending, because it was our day. It was our anniversary and she wanted it to be perfect.

But when we was eating and I told her some new hospital news and I looked her in the eyes intentionally I couldn't take it.

I laid my spoon aside and looked at her.

"What's wrong, Ari?" I asked her softly. I didn't want to sound rude. But I couldn't take it. I needed to know, because it couldn't wait until tomorrow. Not for me and not for her. When I first recognized that she was dreaming about tiny coffins, because she jolted awake in her sleep breathlessly, I knew it was something important. Something seriously.

And I couldn't play a game now, just to satisfy me, to have a nice evening with my girlfriend when she was looking, feeling and acting like that.

Then she started to cry. She started to cry silent tears, until her mouth formed painful sobs.

I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't do anything because I was frozen in my tracks.

Instead I waited for her and finally she told me the story of a little girl.

Her name was Bonnie.

Oh god yes… her name was _Bonnie_…

She told me how she tried to save her life for a long time now. She was so desperate, because she has build up a connection with the small girl. I'd like to tell her she should stop building connection. I wanted to scream it in her face, because I couldn't bear her looking like that. But that was also something I loved so much about her.

Then she told me there wasn't a real chance for her to survive. She was trying another treatment, but she knew it wouldn't work. Of course she hoped. But somehow she felt it wouldn't end well. When her sobs filled the room and she didn't stop I knew I couldn't take her pain completely away, but I could try.

I was standing up, kneeling down beside her.

I whipped a few tears away and said honestly:" You know, a beautiful girl like you shouldn't cry… because you look damn sexy when you're smiling…"

And she laughed through her tears. She lifted her hand and stroked my cheek firmly.

"I love you…" She told me, right before she moved her lips to my ear.

"I need you so much, Calliope…" Then she kissed me, and I didn't hesitate. I kissed her firmly on the lips before I kissed her neck. I could feel fresh tears on my own face and my own neck.

She was still crying softly, whispering "I'm sorry…" over and over again.

She thought she destroyed our night, but she wasn't.

It was one of the most beautiful nights in my life, because I knew she was a part of me. Completely. She has given herself up that night in my arms completely and her whimpers and moans are repeating in my head over and over again just like her lips, purring, screaming, and saying my name.

I was the only one who could touch her the way I did and I was the only one who could take her pain away. And my heart ached for being there for her again. I would be the one who would take her pain away again. **Now** and **Then** and **Forever**.

**they can come and tear my house down  
they can run me out of town  
they can tie me up, call me a clown  
but I ain't gonna lose you  
no I ain't gonna lose you  
**

When I was a little child I thought my dad was a hero. When I grow old, he still was, because he did everything for me. He gave me everything he could give me and I never had to think about my future, because I know he would be there for me.

Family in general was something I needed and it was hard enough to go to Seattle without seeing them as often as I did when I was still living with them in one house.

But I was able to talk to them each week; I could visit them whenever I wanted and got the time. We spent the holidays together whenever I could take free and I loved to stay with them.

I loved to stay with them as long as I was accepted. As long as I was straight.

But when they realized, like me, that I wasn't, my life changed completely.

Isn't it crazy how fast you can loose everything? Isn't it crazy that within hours, or days, your life seem so complicated and not liveable?

From then, from the moment Arizona reached out for my fathers hand to shake it, my life was far from ordinary.

First I thought he would accept it. Of course he would have to, because I'm his daughter. Well, I thought wrong. Apparently that wasn't reason enough.

And I was so stupid to run away. I ran away in the false direction. Instead of giving myself up in her arms to believe in love and life the next day, because she made me believe in miracles again, I ran away from her as fast as possible.

I put the blame on her, because I couldn't believe it was me that they were out casting.

I stayed in my room or I worked the shit out of my body, until I was even too weak to walk. Exhausted from working and crying. Both some things I was really good at.

I was crying because they let me down, my family let me down, one after the other. And I was crying because she wasn't with me.

I told Arizona that it was over after a long day in the ER. I told her she should go to hell, when she was trying to comfort me. All because I couldn't handle the situation.

I pushed her away so roughly with my words, all because my heart was aching. I told her she should leave alone forever, because I couldn't look her in the eyes. I didn't tell her that I was seeing myself in them and that's what scared me off so much.

I tried to hide who I was to get a part of my family again.

But when I was looking into her eyes I was seeing someone else, someone who was happy, loved, beautiful, finally strong again and gay.

When she came to me in the small corridor where I tried to get some sleep and tried to take me into her arms, I pushed her away. I pushed her away with all the strength I got and she impinged on the cold and hard wall. She screamed out in pain and I was shocked, I hated myself for hurting her that much. I hated myself for it the same moment it happened.

She looked at me like she saw a monster in front of her eyes. I wanted to say something but no words left my mouth and so I was just starring at her. Minutes passed when I just saw her, crying in front of me and then she looked at me a last time, before she left me.

She left me and I thought it'd be the last time I'd see her again.

In the same night I reached for her in my restless slumber and I realized she wasn't the guilty one. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. It was my father's fault. But not hers.

It was ten o'clock in the evening and my shift has just ended two hours ago, but I knew she was already finished with hers. So I slipped in a pair of jeans and grabbed for my car keys, because I knew I had to make things right.

I couldn't loose her. That's all I knew in this moment. I needed to apologize. I needed to tell her how much she meant to me and that I need her.

I was scared she would never forgive me and I would understand. Oh god, yes, I would understand if she was never going to talk to me. But when I was opening the door she was standing there in front of me with her eyes red and swollen.

I couldn't say anything, nothing bright, nothing important.

Instead a single "Why" left my mouth and I really didn't know why she was here when I was the biggest asshole in the world who hurted her not willingly, but she got still hurt.

"Because you need me. Because I know you didn't want to hurt me. Because I know you. Because you can't push me away. Because I will be there, **always**, no matter what you are saying and no matter how hard you are going to try to make me go away. I won't, because I need you. I need you so much and I… I love you. And because of that you will let me in. You will let me into your apartment and into your mind and more important into your heart. Because I'll stay here as long as you push me away. I won't go, you understand? Because there are a thousand reasons why I can't leave. Like your mouth, they way you kiss me…"

While she is speaking tears were welling up in my eyes. I can't believe how I deserved her, how an angel, someone beautiful like her, like her pure and magnificent soul was able to fall in love with my broken one. I couldn't believe this was really happening. But when she was raising her hand to my face, touching my lips with her fingers I know this was reality. This was and still is love.

"… I love how you make my knees weak like my mind whenever you're touching me. I love the way you moving, the way you look, they way you cry, because you love. You do love. You are able to love. You're not the bad ass Ortho you think you are, Calliope. You just need to let me in finally. You need to let me love you…"

She was coming nearer, her forehead resting on mine and I close my eyes when the sensual game is starting. Our lips are not touching yet, but she's making me crazy with her lips touching my face, kissing me the sweetest way, and I can feel her breathe on my face and Goosebumps are beginning to rise. Our heads are touching, while her lips are touching my ear softly.

"Oh god…I wish you know how you make me feel…" She whispered into my ears.

"You just need to let me in… I beg you… Calliope please let me in…" And with that I couldn't hold myself back, because I needed to feel her, I needed to taste her and so my lips found hers. I dragged her into my apartment, into my room, into my bed and we had sex.

No, we made **love**. We were celebrating our love so many times in this night.

It was the night I let her in completely.

And with that I finally realized that nothing mattered.

I could loose everything, if I only had her. She was everything I needed back **then**, **now** and **forever**.

Isn't it strange how many roles she took?

She was my best friend, the first person I was falling completely for, the woman I loved, my first real girlfriend, my saviour and my family.

She was, and she is still everything.

**they can make me turn my back on my friends  
and send me away to San Quentin  
put me in the hold a thousand times again  
oh I ain't gonna lose you  
no I ain't gonna lose you**  
**throw me in the hurricane  
tell the whole world I gone insane  
run an electric shock to my brain  
but I ain't gonna lose you  
no I ain't gonna lose you**

**I can't stand the thought of another man  
no I ain't gonna lose you  
no I ain't gonna lose  
ain't gonna lose  
ain't gonna lose  
ain't gonna lose  
ain't gonna lose  
ain't gonna**

and I sing it from my rooftop  
I sing it from the bus stop  
sing it on the street, drunk, to a cop  
oh I ain't gonna lose you  
no I ain't gonna lose  
ain't gonna lose you

The more I sat here, the more I felt like I was dying, because all my life would go with her.

Because she was my life and my love and my salvation.

Once I heard a story, a Greek tale, I never forgot and it's still sticking in my head.

It says that there were people which looked completely different from us now.

All of them had two heads, four arms and four legs and they were living like that together. But of course, like it's only human, they made a mistake and they incurred the unlimited rage of Zeus. Because he was mad like hell he sent down thunderbolts and did the worst thing a god could do: He separated the humans, he divided them in two. From now on they were only having one head, two arms and two legs. They were divided and like their body, their souls were also divided in two parts. And because of this they were spending their whole life searching for their other part.

And we are still searching for that all life long.

I was searching, too. And oh god how hard I was searching until I found it suddenly. I found it in the dirty bathroom of a bar.

Arizona is my second part. The one I want to spend my life with and then when I realized it, it was almost too late. I regret that there wasn't a thought about it earlier. I regret that she isn't already my wife. I regret so many things and all of them are things I haven't done with her yet. Things I need to do with her, until we are old and gray.

I need her to stay alive. I need her so much… so much.

**ain't gonna lose you  
ain't gonna lose  
gonna lose you  
gonna lose**

Suddenly I heard someone harrumphing and I looked up immediately. And I saw them standing in front of me, all of them.

All I could do was looking at them and a whisper left my mouth.

"Please…"

I solicited them to tell me everything is fine.

I solicited them to tell me I'm going to spend the rest of my life with her.

But their eyes were saying many things, but not the things I wanted to hear, not the things I wanted to listen to.

It reminded me of a song Arizona listened to after a long day.

She is listening to it when she lost one of her patients. She listened to it, whenever she's down there, in the dark. But this time the lines are repeating in my head over and over again.

"_No one laughs at God in a hospital__…_ _No one laughs at God when the doctor calls  
After some routine tests…_ _No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door  
And they say "We've got some bad new, sir,"…"_

Yes, they were here to give me bad news, and I didn't know if I was able to listen to them. But I remained still, tears were leaving my eyes and I wondered how many tears I could cry before I would be dried. Then I heard him; it was Sheppard who said it, because no one else was able to.

"Dr. Torres… There's something we need to tell you…"

That's when I closed my eyes to see her one last time, before my world, my heart and my soul drifted away and everything turned black.

* * *

**2. Authors Note:**

Okay, my buddy's, now it's your turn to decide. I have a few ideas to end/continue this story, but you are the readers and it will be all yours. Now you need to choose and I really hope you make the right decision.

Okay… here it goes…

**First one or a)**

I want this to end… now… I want my happy end, cause you kept me long enough in line!

**Second one or b)**

I want this to end, now… But no happy end, cause I'm a masochist and I want everyone to hate me.

**Third one or c)**

It'd be _SUPER _cool to read more, cause […]… just continue!!!

**Fourth one or d)**

End this and write another story.

**Fifth one or e)**

Keep it up and write another story later or parallel if you could.

Sooooo… decide wisely!!! Of course there are a few options.

But just to let you know what I had in my little head…

Another story I could wrote should be called "The City of Angeles"…

Yeaaah, ab-solut-ely right!

A Calzona story based on the fantastic–I–cried-the-whole-night-after-watching-that-romantic movie with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage.

When I saw it I couldn't get Callie and Arizona out of my mind and I thought about how sexy Callie would look in that Seth/Angel dress =D She would be a beautiful angle and it would be a great storyline with them…

But because I guess there will never be a "Calzona – City of Angels – Remake" in the cinemas I thought about writing it instead!

So let me know what your heart is asking for.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

You really can't guess how much your reviews mean to me.

And of course…

**HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY FRIENDS!!! :-)**

Hopefully we are going to see us here in the New Year again!

I'm ab-solut-ely looking forward to it.

All my Love & best Wishes to you

**-Sun**


	15. Snow White

**Authors Note:**

I love you!!! I mean… I really do love all of you! And of course I love democracy! =D Thanks to all of you, because there's a storyline in my head and it would have been hard for me to hold it back, but fortunately it's continuing.

I know this might be a lil bit different, and I'm really scarred I'm going to destroy what was before and what you liked, but I'll try and it'll be still kind of angsty.

Here it goes with the first person narrator again, because I love to write it and I hope there isn't any complaint?

I hope you had a great celebration for your new year!!!!

The song is "I don't know you" by Kate Havenevik and it will continue in the next Chapter.

All my love to you

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 15 ****– Snow White**

_What happened before?_

"_Dr. Torres… There's something we need to tell you…"_

_That's when I closed my eyes to see her one last time, before my world, my heart and my soul drifted away and everything turned black._

* * *

I don't understand when people are telling me they want to know everything, every single detail of their treatment. What do they want to hear? What am I expected to tell them? That it'll be painful and hard and complicated?

No, they want to be lied at. They want hope.

I really don't understand when people want to know the whole truth, because sometimes the truth is not bearable, sometimes it's better to be left in the dark.

And that's what happened.

Because I knew how hard the truth can be I decided to life in the dark. I wasn't ready for the cold, hard truth and so it hit me by surprise just harder. And there wasn't anything left. Nothing I could do, because I wasn't stable to put myself together in time and make myself ready for the things that'd come.

It came like it came, because I needed hope. Just a little bit hope to survive.

**I, I know the stars**

„Tell me… Tell me fast…"

I say to Sheppard without looking up. I can't take their glances and how the compassion is floating right at me. I need to hear it. Now. Fast. I don't want to hear their usual speech. I know it oh so well. All I want to do is hearing the cold hard truth and then burying me in my own grave.

"I'm sorry, but…"

"Tell me… NOW!" I'm hissing through my lips.

"Dr. Rob… Arizona… she's lying in a coma…" He says, almost not audible and I look up for the first time in a while.

I can't believe what he said and tears are leaving my eyes. Happy tears.

"You mean… she's alive?" I can't hold my tears back and I'm not interested in them seeing me cry like that. I want to hug the world. I want to scream my lungs out. I want to scream it from the rooftops that she isn't gone. She's still there. She's alive.

"Yes, but, we don't know if she's going to make the night, Callie. We don't know when she's going to wake up. The truth is she lost a lot of blood and she's seriously hurt."

I know what he says isn't good. To be honest, it's bad. It means she isn't stable yet, she isn't saved. But I'm relieved though. She is still here and she is still fighting. It also means she hasn't left me yet and she won't. There's a chance she's going to wake up in a few hours or tomorrow. And she will. She has to.

"Where is she?" I just asked, because I need to see her. I need to be with her, each step she's doing.

"We brought here into the ICU to wait until she's stable…" He says, looking straight at me and I feel that wasn't all. There's something else and as he is raising his voice to say it out loud and I know I'm right.

"Callie…" It's the first time he call me like that, in that, a caring, way.

"There's something else you need to know…"

**Falling from the sky  
Falling for you**

But before he is able to say something else I stop him.

"No… don't… I don't want to hear it... She's alive. Okay? That's all I need to know now…" I'm saying right before I'm leaving them behind and I feel their glances on my back.

Some of them might think it's selfish, but I know I couldn't take another truth and all I really care about is that she's still alive.

She's alive and we get the change to live our life together and I need the hope to survive.

Because of that I'm leaving, I'm leaving them back, starring at me, and instead I'm rushing to her room.

**And I, I know the wind **

**Combing your hair  
Caressing your chin**

The first time I'm entering the room it's hard for me to breathe. It's hard for me to do anything, because tears are taking my ability to see. My heart ache is taking the ability of walk.

Instead I'm standing in the doorframe for minutes just starring at her from far away. She looks weak like never before.

Her skin is so pale and her blond hair lost their glamour and her body looks fragile. I'm so scared to walk up to her, because I don't want to see the death sign printed on her face, telling me things I don't want to hear.

When my grandma died years ago in a hospital room like this she looked the same.

Pale like the moon and fragile like a little child.

They told me she was getting better, but she still looked like that. I believed what they said, but then she died without any warning. She just slipped away from us.

And when I'm looking at Arizona intentionally she's looking the same. She's looking like Snow White after she ate the poisoned apple.

Yes, she's my snow white.

My beautiful snow white.

I walk nearer to her, even I'm still scared.

I'm scarred of the monitors, I'm scared of hearing a noise, signalizing me I'm loosing her.

I'm looking at them, my gaze is captured be the steady curves which showing me that she's still fighting.

But it feels so wrong. It feels so unreal to see her like that.

My happy, perky, optimistic, lovely and beautiful Snow White.

It doesn't feel right for her to be kept alive by machines. She shouldn't be here, because I know how much she hates it. She's a doctor and she knows the machines are necessary to keep someone alive, but I know how much she hates it. I know if there would be any other way to keep someone alive she would go it.

And I want to go another way for her. I want her to breath without those machines. I want her eyes to open. I want her to live.

I know how she looks in every possible way, because I have been there for so long, being a part of her and her life. I have been there in any possible situation. I saw her cry, I saw her laugh and smile, I saw her care, I even saw her curse and angry, I saw her happy and I saw her sad. And each time I was looking into her eyes all I know was how mesmerizing she is. And even now she's so beautiful.

But this time she doesn't look back. This time she isn't asking where I am with my thoughts and I can't answer a simple: "With you."

I can't see the wind caressing her chin and I can't reach my hands up to her face, because a simple strand is in her face which I'm tucking behind her ear. And I can't see her lips forming a smile, finally laughing when I say: "You are so beautiful." Because she thinks it's not my honesty. I can't convince her over with a kiss. I can't whisper those words into her ear to make her believe how serious it is for me. I can't do anything and it's hard for me to believe that all I can do is sitting by her side, waiting.

But it' more than anything, so I go further on, before I'm standing right before her bad and I take a few steps forward and all I can do is putting a strand of blond hair behind her ear while I'm crying, and all I can do Is kissing her check, because I can't reach her mouth and all I do is saying:" Fight for me. For Us." And my hand is reaching for hers, taking hers in mine. I stroke her soft hand firmly as I sit down, my eyes never leaving her face.

She's not opening her eyes and I'm going insane sitting at her side. Hours passed by so slowly and I kept my eyes on her, because I was afraid she was fading away like I was afraid to miss the time she's opening her eyes, so I'm never closing mine.

But I look at her before sleep is claiming me.

I look at my beautiful and sleeping Snow White.


	16. I don't know you

**Chapter 16 – I don't know you**

**And I, I've seen the waves  
Inside your heart  
Turning you upside down**

Days passed. 2 Days to be exactly.

It has been two days in which I cried, smiled, cause she's still alive, in which I prayed and stayed. I stayed in the same stool for 48 hours and I stink. I feel exhausted and tired. But I'm just too scared to leave her on her own.

I know it's crazy, because there are nurses and doctors and I know each of them. I know them and usually I trust them. But now I don't trust anyone, because it's her and she's mine. I can't leave her, because she needs me here.

Some hours when I look at her and she's looking quiet peaceful I think about her dreaming a sweet dream with the two of us involved and I dream about her knowing that I'm here. I imagine she knows when I'm holding her hand like right now. I imagine she's fighting against death proudly and she's taking the strength from our love while I'm watching her.

Then I look up and I'm seeing the machines again.

I wished this would be over. I wished she would be mine. Completely. I told Mark I'd go crazy with her lying in here, because it shouldn't be like that, but he reassured that this was necessary to save her life and I nodded.

"But it shouldn't be her lying there, you know…" I answered. "It should be me. I should lie there. I should be connected to the machines. I should be the half living robot, not her. She is wonderful. Don't you see the flowers and the pictures around her?" I pointed to the pictures her patients left her, the flowers their parents or the nurses bought her. Everyone cared, because Arizona was the person who cared the most. She did wonderful things and she would do anything for her little patients.

Without her the ped wing wouldn't be the same anymore.

Without her I wouldn't be the same anymore.

I knew she was popular, because what she did, how she acted, because she loved, but when I saw them, one after the other entering the room, looking sad, because of her lying there it touched me even more.

"I should lay here, not her, because of the way she is, Mark! I should have stayed there when she told me I should go. I should have protected her!!!"

He let me finish my sentences before he was coming up to me, taking me into his arms when I was sobbing hard.

"You were the one who risked her life, going in, being with her when there was a crazy man and a gun in front of you. You did everything you can." He said to me and I calmed down.

Maybe I did everything I can, but I still wouldn't forgive myself when something was happening to her.

Suddenly I hear his voice again saying a simple "Hey black beauty."

I spin around looking in his eyes, which are full of concern. He cares. He really does, because he is coming around whenever he has the time too, because he's there for me, trying to give me strength when I loose all of it.

"That's the name of a hoarse, Mark…"

He shrugs his shoulders.

"Well… you smell like one…"

Each time those words would have left his mouths I would have punched him or shot something nice back, but now I just take it ( because to be honest it's the truth) and look at her again.

"How is she?" He's asking concerned.

"I don't know… She isn't getting any better…" I say and tears are forming in my eyes again.

I never cried that much in years, but thoughts like an empty bed, having to go on without her are claiming my mind. I'm clearing my throat before I start to speak again.

"Something from Sheppard?"

"No. But he's coming later to check on her… and Callie…"

"What?"

"You should take a shower… no… you are going to take a shower…"

I look up. As much as I want to take a quick shower I can't leave her.

I spend two days in this seat and I'll sit here until she's awake. They brought me food or something to drink variantly, or they came talking to me.

Owen often came rushing in for a few minutes just looking how we are doing. I know he cares about Arizona and I think it's sweet. I think its sweet how all of them caring and I know Mark wants my best, too, but I can't leave.

"No… I'm not…" I reply simply, but he doesn't accept a 'No' right now.

"You go…" – "I won't leave her alone."

"You don't have to… I'll stay…" he's telling me and I'm surprised when he is sitting down on the free seat beneath her bed.

"Callie, please… go take a shower, take a walk… go out and see something else… it's not health what you are doing here… Go and trust me, okay? I'm here I won't let something happen to Miss Perky of the Universe. I page you, okay?"

All I can do is nodding.

"Thank you…"

He smiles right before he's looking at the small woman in front of him and the first time in 3 days I'm smiling, because I know he will take care of her as long as I'm gone.

When the hot water is purring down on my back and my head I'm closing my eyes. It's the first time I'm able to relax finally. The hot water always had something magical to me and whenever I was taking a shower I stayed longer than I had to, because afterwards I felt better somehow. I felt washed clean, maybe even freed from my problems.

Now as I'm closing my eyes it feels like she is with me. I feel like I'm standing in her bathtub, listening to her sweet voice singing to her favourite CD I have listened to a thousand times since I'm with her. And I smile at this thought, because I love her voice so much. It's melodic and beautiful and whenever I listen to it I feel glad, I feel completely free.

And suddenly I feel her arms around my torso and I smile immediately.

She loves to do that. She loves to shower with me, because each time we are touching each other a sensual game is starting and no one of us is able to stop, because we are both drug addicted. Addicted to each other, completely, not even a rehab would heal us.

Then I feel her lips on my neck and I can't do something else than giving in. I know I'm alone, I know it's her ghost that is touching me, my desire that longs for her to touch me.

I miss her so much and I realize that she's not with me. I realize it's still a nightmare I'm living in.

Tears are intermingling with the hot water and my tears can not be seen, but they are still there, remaining on my body and my soul whatever I'm doing. I can't escape the pain. I can't escape the reality and because of that I'm leaving the shower immediately and I'm taking on new clothes I had in my locker. And then I'm walking through the corridors, feeling their glances on my body and I want to scream.

I want her back.

I want to be looked at, because I'm walking with her hand in hand through the corridors.

I want to stick out, because I'm kissing her passionately in public and because I'm in love with her. I don't want to stick out, because they feel compassion for me.

**And I, I heard the dreams  
****you have at night  
Giving you trouble**

When I'm entering her room again I realize Mark has fallen asleep. But I'm not mad. Instead I'm smiling sadly, feeling grateful he was there while I was taking a shower to clear my head, to come to the same conclusion again: I need her.

When I'm walking up to her I look her straight into the face and it seems like she's having a bad dream, because she's looking not as peaceful like before.

I'm taking her hand in mine, kissing her palm firmly as I'm still looking at her.

She's with me, but she's not really here and I'm longing for her touch. I'm longing to have her in my arms, and what I'm doing now I never did before.

I never had the urge. I never had the urge to touch someone so much, to hold someone, before.

I'm looking at her when I'm crawling into the bed, watching that she's having enough space to lay comfortable and then I'm laying down on my own, using me arm as my pillow and with the other arm I'm holding her firmly. I want to hold her much more closer, but I'm scared of hurting her, even she's unconsciousness she might feel the pain and all I want to do is holding her that she feels save and loved.

I want her to fight. I want her to know that I'm fighting with her now, and finally, after one last kiss on her soft but motionless lips I'm drifting of to sleep. The first real time in days.

**But****…**

I am dreaming. I know that I am dreaming, because it feels too good to be true, so unreal and magical.

She's standing in front of me; smiling her wickedly smile and I can see myself reflected in her oh so blue eyes. She's telling me she loves me whatever is going to happen and then I kiss her. I kiss her and all my emotions are laying in this one single kiss.

Then I look at her and I'm asking her to marry me. She laughs lovely and then I can find her lips on mine again. She's replying with a scream. "YES!"

I feel like the happiest girl in the world. She's smiling. Telling me she is pregnant.

Yes, it's crazy, because she hasn't told me something about this kind of invasion and it's crazy because I never imagined myself to be a mother before.

Well I thought once with George, but it was something else. I wanted a child to keep him, to make him mine, to free him from Izzy.

But with Arizona it's because I want to spend the rest of my life with her. It's because I love her more than life itself. I kiss her and I touch her everywhere. I tell her how much I love her a several time and then she is opening a mouth, but no sound is leaving it.

I can't hear anything else than a strange beep and it's getting louder and louder.

I fall out of the bed as the beep is getting louder, intermingling with her voice from my dreams, and as I touch me hurting head because I was becoming awake so abruptly I see what is happening.

I look up and I can't believe what I see.

"Oh my god…." I whisper as I stand up furiously looking at the sleeping beauty. With shaking hands and tears in my eyes I'm paging Sheppard and Mark right before I'm looking at her.

I wait and I look. I wait for any sign that this isn't just the part of my dream.

Am I still dreaming?

Does the monitor just show me what I want to see?

Am I already insane?

But there is it. There it truly is.

I saw it. I saw her fingers moving. And there it is once again.

"Ari… Oh god Ari… please… wake up… Open your eyes for me… Ari… Wake up…" I say over and over again and my lips are touching hers.

My hands are reaching for her face, stroking it firmly and I'm crying. I'm crying so hard with all my heart in it, because I can see her eyes flushing open.

I can't believe what I'm seeing. I can't believe this is all over now with her waking up after long 3 days. I can't believe I'm going to hear her voice again, to see her smile, to feel her touch.

And there it is, the blue ocean.

Her beautiful blue eyes looking straight at me.

"Good morning sleeping beauty…" I whisper, crying and smiling at the same time, but she's looking confused like she doesn't really understand what is happening. Of course she isn't, when she thought she would die.

Her lips are forming words, but she is coughing furiously and her mouth is dry. It takes a few minutes before she finally is saying a few words.

"W… Wh…" Her words are hardly audible so I have to listen intentionally.

"Where… Am… I?" She's finally saying and I laugh shortly through my tears.

"You are in the hospital, Ari. You are safe." Is all I'm saying before her lips are moving again, but she needs a few moments to bring the strength to answer me.

And then I hear voices, interrupting us. I see Sheppard and Mark behind me who are saying my Name like they are trying to guard me from something worse. But I don't listen right; I'm not letting myself interrupt when I have her back, finally.

"She's awake… She's finally awake! She suddenly opened her eyes a few minutes ago." I tell them happily before I'm looking at Arizona again who looks frightened.

**I don't know you**

I'm touching her cheek with my hand again, telling her she's safe and alive. I tell her everything is fine, but she still looks shocked, then words are leaving her mouth. Words that bring my perdition and which are taking me hope abruptly. My heart starts to ache uncontrollable and I want to throw up when I'm hearing those hurtful words.

"W… Wh… Who… Who are you?"

**Will you show me  
Who you are?**

**Cause I don't know you…**


	17. Stay with me

**Authors Note: **Thank you that you are still reading and reviewing this. I'm really scared I'm destroying this story with my idea and you want to end this, but there's an idea in my mind I need to release and you'll have to wait until it's finished, until I'm ready for a happy end, until both of them will be ready for a happy end. I hope you forgive me and I hope you still like that.

All my best to you

**-Sun**

…………………………………………………………………………………………………**...**

**Chapter 17**** – Stay with me**

I didn't want to hear the truth, but here it is. And it's cold and hard and leading to the hell on earth, my body and my heart is burning, destroying the house of my soul.

That's what Sheppard tried to say. That's what I didn't want to hear.

I am looking into her eyes and I realize what is happening.

For me she is the girl my heart ached to survive, the woman I waited for, who I longed to touch and kiss and tell her how much I missed her, how scared I was to lose her, how much I love her.

But for her I'm just a stranger, looking at her with red rimmed eyes.

The question lingers in my head and it's repeating over and over again like one of those songs in the radio you're sick off.

"I'm the one who found you…" I'm saying instead of the thing I want to say.

She forgot who I am. She lost her mind and I can't give it back to her.

I can't even look at her. It feels like she's still alive, but long gone and she's never going to be mine ever again.

She's alive, but it's not really her laying in front of me. It's someone else and it's not me, answering her question.

"What… What happened to me?"

She asks and I'm swallowing hard. The tears won't stop and I don't know what to say, so I lie.

I murmur "an accident", I lie, before I'm running out of the room, through the corridors and hide myself in the next on call room.

* * *

I burry myself in one of the uncomfortable beds where we spent the time between our shifts laying in each others arms and I'm crying. It seems like I can't stop, because whenever I'm thinking of her, there's only one question lingering in my head. The question she asked me just minutes ago.

"_Who are you?"_

I ask myself how she could forget me. How her heart lost the connection to mine.

I ask myself what's going to happen now. I ask myself if she's going to be like this forever. I ask myself many things until I hear the door open up and I know it's Mark. And I'm standing up furiously, running to him, throwing my hands at his chest. I don't care if I hurt him. I don't care if he's going to be mad at me. All I care is about the woman who's laying a few meters away in a hospital bed, not reminding me.

"Why? Why haven't you told me? Why?"

I throw my clenched fists at his chest and I cry, and he lets me. He lets me until I come down again, only crying and his strong arms around my torso. He's holding me while my world is breaking apart.

"You didn't want to hear it…" He's murmuring and I know it was my fault. It is the truth.

"I know…" I confess, but I'm still angry. I want to see the man who did this again.

I know he will be judged, but for me it's not enough. He took her away from me and I want to make him pay.

"Why…" I ask him when I let him go, walking up to the window, and he knows exactly what I mean with that.

"There was a splinter from one of the shots that stroke her temple firmly. We haven't really recognized it, until the operation. It was a small wound, but anyhow it leads to inner bleedings. Then her head was hitting the cold ground after she was shot. Two aspects that leads to this. Her head has been hurt seriously and she has a brain concussion that leads to a serious memory loss. Her body is weak and she lost a lot of blood. Derek can't tell how fast it will heal and if she's going to remember anything any day…"

The truth hurts my like a knife in the back and I want to scream out lout, because the pain is almost not bearable.

I should have seen something. I should have done something. For god's sake I'm a doctor.

"Why haven't you told her the truth, Callie?"

I'm laughing out loud bitterly. It's so easy to ask that, so easy to think it's actually possible, but it's harder to really find the strength to do so.

"She wakes up after laying in a coma for almost 4 days. She's waking up and she doesn't know where she is. She doesn't know who she is and who I am. What should I've told her? 'Hey, maybe you don't remember who I am, but I'm your girlfriend.' I can't do that Mark. I

just can't… I can't do as nothing happened. I can't pretend everything's like before when she's not even remembering who I am."

I'm laughing again bitterly. How ironic and hard life can be.

A few days ago she laid in my arms, on my couch and I was scared to loose her, because everything was just perfect. And each time something seemed to be great it changed abruptly. I knew it from my past.

I looked her into her eyes and I told her I was scared she would forget me someday, because there would be someone else stealing her heart like it happened once before. She, instead, told me she could never forget me, because I was the one she dreamed of her whole life. I believed her like I did each time she was telling me something.

But now everything looks differently. Now I'm standing here in front of Mark, crying, because she forgot me, because there's a chance she's never going to remember who I am.

Will she ever smiles at me the way she does when she knew who I was?

Will she ever kiss me again?

Will I ever be able to touch her again?

Will she be mine ever again?

"You need to fight for her… You need to be there for her, Callie. No matter if she doesn't remember you right now. You will always be a part of her heart. Maybe she doesn't remember now, but if you fight, if you try, there will be a chance. You need to help her remember…" I am looking into his eyes and I can see the hope in them. Of course there's hope. She teached me how to believe, She teached me how to never lose hope.

I nod simply before I say "Thank you…" and leave him back, smiling.

I'm a bad ass Ortho with butterflies flying around my heart. Of course I will be the one who makes her remember.

* * *

When I'm entering the room again I see her sitting in the bed straight, her eyes never leaving me as I'm standing in front of her.

Sheppard left just a moment ago, I saw him leaving and it was the first time I could enter the room, confident enough to not break down in front of her.

And as I was standing there no word were leaving my mouth. I was too scared to say something wrong. Instead I was waiting until she opened her mouth.

"I'm sorry…"

The words hit me by surprise and I wait for her to say more. I wait for her to tell me that she reminded herself. That she's sorry she was muzzy from her concussion.

"Wh…What?"

"I'm sorry I didn't remind who you are… Dr. Sheppard told me we are working together sometimes."

"Y…Yes… don't worry… its okay. You are hurt; it's not your fault you don't remember."

I'm saying and as she starts to cry I want to go nearer. I want to take her into my soothing arms, but instead I'm just watching her.

I'm frozen in my tracks. It's not me to heal her wounds when she's not able to remember who I am. But it breaks my heart I can't do anything.

"I… I know… he told me it'd be like that for a while… but... but I want to remember… I don't know what happened… I don't know why I'm here and worse I don't even know my name… my doctor has to tell me that my name is Arizona… I'm named after a state… after a state and I don't even know why. Do my parents still life? For god sake I don't even knew I was a doctor before that happened… I don't know anything and it's depressing, because everything is new to me... Everyone knows more than I…"

She's rubbing her ankles with her thumbs; something she does whenever she's stressed, and I want to kiss her fears away.

But this time I can't, because it's not the Arizona I knew who is sitting in front of me.

Maybe she will never remember.

Maybe her love for me has left her body already.

"You're not named after a state… Your parents do live and they named you after the Battleship USS Arizona…" I say and she looks at me with her eyes wide open.

"How… how do you know?"

She asks me and I want to tell her the truth. I want to tell her that there are things she has told me while we talked, while we fought, while we ate, while we walked around Seattle, while we were together. But I would shock the hell out of her. I wouldn't make it easier for her, even I need her to remember anything now. It's not what I need. It's about her now and about her health. I know how hard it can be to know everything, to get to know the truth, with one hit. It takes time to get her memory back and I'll be there.

"You told me while we did an operation…" I lie, looking to the ground.

"Were we friends?" – "We were colleagues. Yes."

"That's crazy… Your voice sounds so familiar to me, but I don't know you… How's your name?"

Usual I would tell anyone my name is Callie, because it's how I like to be called. She's the only one except of my family who used it. She's the only one who makes me name sound beautiful and I decide I'm going to do anything to make her remind. I'm not going to leave her side. Instead I'm going to win her back, because there's hope. There's still hope.

"Calliope." I answer and I can see her forehead purse, then she's smiling brightly.

"It's a beautiful name. I like it." Her blue eyes are twinkling like an unchivalrous diamond.

"You're a doctor, too, aren't you?

I'm nodding slightly.

"How long do I have to stay here? Do you know?"

"Your wounds need to heal, but you can leave soon…"

Her smile is fading, replaced by tears. Oh god. How much I hate to see her cry.

"I… I don't even know where I'm living… I don't know anything… Dr. Sheppard told me I shouldn't be alone, because of the concussion, but I don't know where I should go…" She's saying, but more to herself than to me, and I know what to do. I know I'm going to be here for her, every step she's taking. I will do anything to make her remember. She just needs to let me.

"Stay with me." I say out loud without any hesitation and she's looking at me in confusion.

"What?"

"You can't be alone, Dr. Sheppard is right. It'd be too dangerous to let you stay alone in an empty apartment. You'll need help, and I'm a doctor. I know what to do when something is happening. I can care for you. So, the only right and medical solution is that you should stay with me."

My eyes are intermingling with hers and I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for her to tell me what I want, what I need to her.

All my hope is laying in her answer.

* * *

I really hope you like that. And of course it's continuing as soon as possible.

**-Sun**


	18. Have I told you I ache

**Authors **Note: I'm relieved you still read this! I hope you like it and I hope you like how it's continuing here. I know you want your happy end and it's a lil' bit different from the first Chapters. But I have a end in mind and there will be a few other Chapters. I hope you can be patient. Thank you very much for your reviews!!!

All the best to you

**-Sun**

* * *

**Chapter 18 – **** Have I told you I ache**

**Isn't it strange, the way things can change  
Life that you lead, turned on its head**

She laughed out loud and it felt so good to hear her voice again after days in which she cried herself to sleep, in which she hardly spoke. The first days had been hard with her around me, because each moment I was looking into her eyes and I hoped there would be any sign that she was coming back, that she was remembering something, there was nothing than fear and confusion.

I hoped when the small children, her patients, were coming in to see how she was, she might remember them. But there was nothing, the sparkle in her eyes were still missed, even I could tell, she was still the same in a way. Even she couldn't remember anything she acted around them like everything was like before. She talked to them, she smiled, she laughed at a joke they told her and I couldn't help but falling in love with her again.

I was falling for someone again who didn't know who I am.

She till thinks I'm on of her colleagues, but she agreed.

"_I don't think I can. I don't want to be a burden."_

"_You're not. I can hardly imagine how you must feel, but I have a large apartment and I'm a doctor. There wouldn't be a problem. Believe me."_

"_Okay… than… I'd love to live with you until I worked this out… Thank you, Calliope."_

When she said my name 3 days ago for the first time my knees gone weak and my heart ached. Afterwards she used my name very often. She told me she likes the sound, it's beautiful and it fits me very well.

My heard pounded hard in my chest when she said those words out loud, but I believe she didn't know, she didn't realize what she was saying at all. She didn't know what she did to me.

"And what about Dr. Sheppard? Does he have a name??" She's giggling, getting me out of my thoughts abruptly. I look at her and her smile is killing me.

The last few days she was laying her to heal, I talked to the chief to get free to be there for her, and that's what I did. I was sitting at her side the whole day, talking to her when she was awake, watching her when she was sleeping, helping her when she needed me.

And now it was 'hospital-gossip" – time or better to say "A little help to remember' – time.

I told her the things she needed to know. The relationship between the doctors, their "secret" names, some gossip and I told her funny things, hoping she would remember.

I did all of that, because I needed her to remember quickly.

But all I said was just to her amusement, but not for her lost memory.

"Of course he has! He was the first MC in the whole hospital! He is the godfather of the Mc's."

"And which Mc he is?" Arizona asked still giggling.

"McDreamy." I replied.

"Shouldn't it be McSuperhair?"

Now it's me giggling, bursting out in laughter. I enjoy the time with her. I enjoy it; even I'm the only one who can remember the connection we had.

To have her near me feels good, so good; even I can't touch her, I believe.

But she makes it so hard for me to stay where I am.

When she looks at me like that, revealing her dimples, smiling my way like she knows, like she's still the same; it's hard for me not to stay up and kiss her, tell her what I know until sleep is claiming us.

I could use days to tell her what I remember, to tell her what we did and what we planned.

But I just can't. I know she has to remember on her own. And I know it's not just hard for me.

Every one of them, Bailey, Owen, Lexie and Mark, even Sheppard, every one of them wants her to remember. They want her to be a part of the Mc – Team again. Very often they are rushing into her room, pretending they just need to check how she's doing. But instead they are hoping she remembered something. Anything. I even have the feeling Bailey misses her somehow.

**Have I told you I ache**

Suddenly the room is filled with silent and I can't look at her. Sometimes it's like that. Like before, when everything was perfect, when we was able to sit in silence, in a comfortable silence.

And then I look at her again and her eyes are taking my ability to speak.

"When can I go home?" She says and the hope is capturing my heart.

Maybe, oh god, maybe she remembers, maybe she knows my home is also hers. Maybe she remembers that we shared my bed in so many occasions, that we both weren't able to sleep without each other so that we both drove to our apartments after our shifts in the middle of the night, just to find some peaceful sleep in each others arms.

"I mean to your home…" She's correcting herself like she read my mind.

"I talked to De… Dr. Sheppard he told me you could go home tomorrow if you feel better."

"Oh, that's super!!! I really don't like hospitals… It's strange I'm a doctor if I don't like them…"

"You don't like being a patient, but apart from that you love being here." I say without thinking and I realize I shouldn't tell her those things.

"How do you know that?"

"Well… I'm a doctor too… That's how I feel so I thought… maybe you feel the same…"

I lie… god if I get points for lying I'd have already 100 points, super Callie! Well done! 101 points and you'll get a washing machine…

"Oh alright…"

She says, taking the lie like each lie I'm telling her and I feel bad. I feel more than bad for lying to the girl I love, just because I don't have the guts to tell her. I'm too afraid to scare her away; I'm too scared to loose her now, when a part of me still believes in a reunion.

"Calliope…"

"Yes?"

"You told me about everyone… I know about McDreamy who is married to MainGrey and Dr. Hunt is together with McRobot and McSteamy is together with LittleGrey and some nurses who are sleeping around the hospital. But you never told me something about you, even you are with me for 3 days now, I don't now even why yet. I don't know anything about you and maybe it's too personal now, because we don't know each other, because we just work together… well… I really don't know you… but… who are you involved with?" That's one thing I loved about her. Her stumbling whenever she is really nervous. And one thing I want to tell her now is that I love her.

**Have I told you I ache **

'I'm involved with you, you idiot… but you don't know. I love you… and no one else, but you don't know who I am. I long for you and you don't even know who I am. You think we were colleagues, but we were lovers. You think its maybe to personal to ask, but we have never been just colleagues. From the first moment I saw you, I knew I want you. You are the only one I completely answer anything. You are the only one I really let see through. If you are not allowed to ask who else could be?"

I answer in my head, but instead I'm clearing my throat, because what I say is a realisation. It's the truth.

**Have I told you I ache**

**For you?**

"I was involved once with someone I love very much, but… my love, the one I loved… is gone."

I reply bitterly and when my tears are filling with tears I feel her hand on mine. She's stroking it firmly and I almost break at the contact.

Electric Thunderbolts are rushing through my body, killing the butterflies with just one stroke.

She's killing me, because I know I can't have her so easily.

Because I know she isn't mine and I don't know if she ever will be.


	19. Chapter 19

**Authors Note:**

Thanks to everyone who is still reviewing and reading this! It means a lot to me, I hope you know that ;-) To CalzonaAddict81 who told me one of her ideas, well two addict people can think of the same things, huh?;-) We will see how this is going on, but to be honest I thought about something similar.

And Wow! I never had the intension to upset all of you with writing this!! But I'm glad you like it.

I know it might be hard to understand WHY Callie act like she acts, but there are reasons. It's not about Arizona who might feel guilty because of not remembering. It's because the woman in front of her isn't the same like before. Of course there are typical things about her and Callie still love her, but for her it feels different and the reason is that she can't remember.

A part of Callie was afraid to tell her the truth in the beginning, because she was afraid to scare the life out of her and now when it's going further on Callie is afraid to tell her the truth, because it's too 'late'.

Then there's a part of her who wants Arizona to remember their connection on her own. She wants Ari to remember their love and what they had. She sees it like a 'test' but then she's also desperate for her to remember.

I know maybe you don't understand why she is acting like this, but this is the point of love. Sometimes you don't know why people acting like they are acting.

I just wanted to show you with this, that one single thing you do or you not do can change anything. Of course Callie is hurting Arizona and herself with that, but she thought it's the right thing. She thought its better not to tell the truth and let her remember on her own. And when that's happening she will be there.

Well, I hope you understand the reasons why I took the story like that, because I don't know how I would react when the love of my life is coming back, but not truly there. I guess I'd be too scared to tell the truth. That might be wrong, I know, but it's a feeling you can't quiet shake off.

So… that's enough babbling. I hope you like that.

All my best to all of you

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 19**

In the last few days I've never seen her as relieved and as happy as now, when I'm giving some clothes of herself I had at home to her, she thinks they are mine, and she's standing in front of me, as beautiful and magnificent as ever, knowing she's going to leave this place and she will stay with me instead until she is healthy again.

I can see the hope glimmering in her eyes. She hopes she's going to remember soon.

Last night when we talked through the night about my job, about her job, about my friends she made friends with easily the last few days, about my life and how she was before she had the 'accident'. I tried hard not to tell her what I knew about her, I tried hard to not tell her how much she means to me. Now and Then and Forever. It's crazy that's she's not remembering, but still the same. Even she's hurt she's still perky and optimistic, I guess, because she can't remember.

I knew how much what happened would affect Arizona, the girl I loved, the girl she was before. And so I'm scared what's happening when she gets her memory back. I want her to remember anything. I just don't want her to remember about what happened.

„So… this is your home now…" I say while I'm opening the door, leading her into the apartment, I usually share with her and Christina. But I convinced Christina that she should sleep with Owen while I'm fighting for my love to remember.

When she's entering the first room, the living room, she sighs and says exactly the same thing she did when we first entered my apartment.

"It's really lovely here, Calliope. I like it very much."

And it makes my heart ache.

She can't be so similar to her but not remembering anything at all.

I wished she would just remember the night she told me she loved me the first time. I just wished she knows who I am. The rest we could remember together.

And I hope there's anything in the room, reminding her she was here before, but there's nothing. She's walking around like she has never been here in her life before, with children eyes, smiling my way.

"You live with someone?" She finally says heading to the second bedroom and I'm nodding slightly.

"Yes… You met her before. It's McRobot. But she's staying with Owen." I reply simply, before I'm leading her to my bedroom where we spent so many nights. The candles from the last time we were making love are still standing on the window board, because I can't throw them away. They are still able to be burned and they still smell like vanilla and cinnamon when they are burning, and they are still reminding me of her body pressed on mine, her eyes never leaving mine and our bodies creating a steady rhythm.

The room still smells like her.

"Here… this is your room from now on."

I look into her eyes, waiting for a simple reply, a movement that would tell me she's remembering. I watch every of her movements, even when she's drinking I'm searching a sign she could remember, but there's nothing. Never.

"It's beautiful… It's really beautiful…" She says when she's looking around. Taking every detail in and I have the feeling she's feeling good in here. Well… she ever liked my bedroom. She liked how it looked, how everything seemed to stay at the right place. She liked the big picture behind the bed and the mirror on the opposite wall. She liked every detail, but the most she liked was that it revealed more of me.

But for the new Arizona it was just a room.

"Is that your room?"

I simply nod.

"But where are you going to sleep?"

"Don't worry. I'm going to sleep on the couch."

"What? No, you should sleep here, Calliope. It's your bed. I can take the…"

I stop her with my finger lasting on her soft lips, and as soon as I'm touching them with my skin I long for her kiss. I want to feel her hair between my fingers while I'm kissing her tenderly.

"It's okay. Don't worry like I'm said. I often fall asleep in front of the TV, so I'm used to it. By the way… you'd like to watch a movie?? It's 7 o'clock and it's too early to go to bed. I could get some pizza, too?"

Oh yeah, I'm evil. I'm doing everything, everything we did, everything we liked to recollect her memories and I hope she still likes this sort of operation.

"Oh yeah. I really like to do that." She replies, smiling, revealing her dimples once again.

Doesn't she know she's killing me?

* * *

I choose to watch Sweet Home Alabama after we ate the pizza I ordered.

I choose this movie, because she loved it and I already watched it three times with her.

Usually I would defend myself against watching movies like that that often, but with her it was always different. It was difficult to say no.

The reason why it was so difficult is that I love how she is laughing at the same scenes over and over again. I love how she's commenting the movie, explaining it to me like she wrote the script. I love how she's watching the movie like she's still a teenager, crying at the end, because it's so romantic and I love how she wants to kiss me when there are kissing scenes in the movie, just because she wants to proof that we are rocking more than them and oh yes, we do.

And the craziest thing is that the girl beneath me is reacting the same way.

I know the movie by heart and I know what's happening; I can close my eyes and just 'watch' it by listening, I can see their acting in front of my inner eyes, because I watched it so often, and when I'm doing it again her laughter is suddenly filling the room and it's feeling like a dream.

It feels like a few weeks ago when we watched it; and when I'm opening my eyes she's sitting there just a few centimetres away, but she isn't the same.

When I'm looking at her, observing every detail of her beautiful face and her perfect body, I want to tell her the truth, but it's difficult for me. My mouth is opening, but no word is leaving, no word is passing the gate, because I don't know what to say.

How should I tell her the truth now?

I'm sick of myself, because I started to pretend.

I'm sick of myself, because I was too scared to tell her the truth in the beginning, because I was shocked, disappointed, and afraid.

Now it feels like there's no way back.

How should I tell her that I love her now?

How can I tell her that she was mine just a few days again?

How can I tell her that we want to build a life up together?

I can't… I just can't… not now.

The only thing I can is hoping, believing that she's remembering soon, because I'm doing all these things. I hope she soon recover, because her heart is screaming for mine, because she remember the connection we had, we still have.

After the movie stopped we watch another movie she chooses and it's already late. I can see her jawing and a small tear forming in her eyes. God, I've never seen someone beautiful like that, even she's just jawing; it's hard for me not to kiss her. It's hard for me to believe that she's not mine.

And suddenly I feel her head on my lab and I can't move.

She makes my body tingle and my heart cringle.

I can't breathe when she's making herself comfort, her blond curls spreading out on my knees. I never felt so aroused like now, because I can't touch her and I have to control myself, but the control is long gone, lost anywhere on the road to nowhere, when I think she's slumbering already.

Even my mind tells me I shouldn't; my heart tells me something else.

But before I'm able to stop myself my hand is reaching out for her, because I'm longing to touch her smooch skin. It takes seconds, minutes, when my fingers are hovering over her skin shakily, before I'm touching her firmly.

And when my fingers are touching her so firmly and oh so suddenly I can't think of something else than my hands sliding over her pure and beautiful skin, from her shoulders to her hand.

Since she touched my lips the first time I knew that our bodies and our souls are meant to be. It has been magical whenever we touched, whenever our skin has been connected, no matter if we were holding hands in public or under the table while we ate in the cafeteria, or while we touched in a sexual and breath taking way. Whenever we touched it has been the most wonderful thing and it's like that now too.

It's more than anything else I've ever wanted and all I want from now is her. I want her with me. I want her by my side. I want to call her mine.

And I give in, I give in and I stroke her soft skin with my fingers, and I know it's the only wall I can break down.

My whole body is electric and aroused and my heart is weak like never before.

I can touch her, but not the way I want to, I need to.

But oh so suddenly I hear her voice.

"Please don't stop…" she's saying out loud and it makes my heart ache a little bit more and tears are welling up in my eyes. And then there's a sigh, a small sigh that sounds like a moan in my ears and I start to cry silently, the tears touching my blue jeans, but she doesn't see it.

How should she see my broken heart?


	20. Would you stay, if I ask you to stay?

**Authors Note: **

You don't believe, but I'm (almost) speechless, because I'm that grateful to have you, and I'm lucky you like this and you are still reviewing this. It means a lot to me, because this story is really going near, it has become a part of my thoughts and my heart and I love to share those thoughts and feelings with you. Thank you very much.

I know you love the fast updates and I love to keep that going on. But when school and work is starting again it won't be that easy anymore, but I hope you understand and you can be patient!

The song is "Awake/Broken" by Secondhand Serenade and I heard it the first time today and I thought it would match this Chapter quiet good. I know I changed a few parts so it would match the scenes more, I know I'm a bad girl, but I hope you are able to forgive me =D Now enough babbling… (See… I was totally speechless… I guess it's some kind of disease, but I'm never really speechless) Here it goes… I hope you like it. It's maybe my favourite part in the whole story… Enjoy!

All my love and best wishes to you

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 20 – Would you stay if I ask you to stay?**

**With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,  
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.  
You're an angel disguised.  
**

When she's finally standing up with her blond curls all messy and she's giving me a tired, but somehow satisfied and thankful smile my heart is beating furiously in my chest.

I want to kiss her like want to kiss her the whole time we were watching the movie.

I want to break another wall down, faster than they did in Germany 1989, but this wall is higher and stronger. I broke one wall what made my heart cringle and ache at the same time and I don't know if I'd be able to take another step in her direction.

I don't know if her heart is still mine. I don't know how she'll react. I don't know if I'm going to lose my last chance if I'm trying to win her back again when I'm doing is.

But I'm addicted. I had one single taste of her skin again that made my mind, my body and my heart went crazy.

It's like I'm going to die right here without touching the beautiful angle in front of me.

The craziest thing that I never thought before was that I could be as mesmerized as that by looking at one person over and over again. But she's able to make me feel like that.

But it also feels like I'm the only one being involved in this, because she's far away from feeling like that.

Just her look makes me believe that I'm just a normal girl to her, a colleague who became her friend fast, and her saviour who is there for her, who helped her voluntary.

I'm her Samaritan, I guess, and I'm not the girl she's falling in love and that's what killing me.

I want to be the person she's falling in love, the person she can't live and breathe without.

I want to be the girl she needs to touch, she needs to touch with.

I want her to long for my touch and my kiss.

I want her brain to become sludge whenever I'm kissing her, and I want her knees to go weak. I need her to think about how she can make me happy and to think about my peculiarity in a good and tender way.

I need her to carry my problems with her.

I need her to love me.

I want her to feel the same way about me as I'm feeling about her.

**And you're lying real still,  
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.  
And the movie's long over,  
that's three that have passed, one more's fine**.

"Calliope?"

Her voice is reaching my ears and suddenly I wake up from my daydreaming and I realize that I was starring at her like an idiot. As soon as she can ask me if everything's alright my face is turning into a darker shade than a tomato.

"I'm sorry… I was lost in my thoughts…" I'm replying shyly, trying to look away from her.

"That's what I realized." She's laughing and now it's really hard for me to stay away from her, but I know there's a line between us I can't cross.

The movie we watched is long over and there isn't a moment I can touch her now, there isn't any chance to touch her the way I want. The moment is over.

"I just wanted to thank you for doing that…" She's saying, revealing her god-damn dimples.

"Whatever you need…" _For you I'd do anything._

"Thank you… I guess I'm heading to bed… I'm really tired and worn out. I know the wounds are healing faster than the doctors thought. But it's still hurting…"

"Do you need anything? Can I give you anything? Tell me whatever you want…"

I'm stumbling, because I can't stand the thought of her being in pain, but I know there isn't anything I can do. Sheppard already told me it's a miracle she survived and even more that her wounds are healing that fast.

But another question is her mental state when she's going to remember, and even I want her to remember so badly I'm scared she will be there once again, I'm scared she's going to get through the pain, the stress and the tears over again in her dreams, because I know how vulnerable she is and what she's going through in her dreams.

"No, thank you, Calliope… Every thing's alright… I just go…" She's saying, pointing to the bedroom and I'm simply nodding. She's heading into my bedroom, into our bedroom and she doesn't even know how many nights we spent in there together.

She whispers a "Good night, Calliope" in her sweetest tone and it's oh so hard for me to reply.

But I'm also wishing her good night with a croaking voice, hoping she doesn't recognize the tears in the darkness.

**Say my name. I just want to hear you.  
Say my name. So I know it's true.  
You're changing me. You're changing me.  
You showed me how to live.  
So just say. So just say,  
**

When she's leaving me with my own thoughts in the dark living room I can feel the tears streaming down my face and I'm not interested in holding them back.

I'm alone. I'm all alone. Why should I care about them when my heart is feeling as sore as that?

How she's saying my name is a never ending remembrance, leading myself into a night without sleep.

The first I recognized when I was falling in love with her wasn't her perfect body, her oh so blue eyes, her sweet dimples or her beautiful face. Of course it was all of that, because she's the most beautiful and perfect thing I've seen in the world, but at most it was the way she said my name.

I hated when people were calling me like that, because Calliope was the girl I was once, when I was little, depend, and I was different from the woman I became.

I was finding my own way and I was someone else from the moment I was going to High School. From this moment on I was Hot - Rocking - and - Ass - kicking - bad ass - Callie and I kept being her in college, med school until I met Arizona.

And oh yeah, how I loved being lather – jacket- wearing - sexy - Callie.

But when she first said my name it sent a shiver down my spine, something I never experienced before. Not in that dimension.

From now in I was still the bad ass Ortho, but I became someone else.

I became loved – devoted - sex addicted (more than I was before) - lucky - apprentice for perkiness - addicted to this woman - trusting and sharing - Calliope. I became so much more and I never let someone calling me Calliope instead of her.

She was and still is the only one I want to listen to.

She's the only one I want to stay, to sight, to moan, to purr, to scream and to whisper my name.

**I'm trying real hard not to shake. I'm biting my tongue,  
but I'm feeling alive and with every breathe that I take,  
I feel like I've won****(lost). You're my key to survival.**

She showed me to live, really living, not just surviving and without her I feel like a fish who was captured, roughly removed from paradise that needs to learn to breathe on land.

But it's hard… it's oh so hard and I'm struggling, fighting with myself when I'm lying on the couch, trying to sleep.

Instead I'm laying there, biting my tongue, my lips, to keep the screaming in my mouth, even they are tearing my heart, my soul and my lungs apart. Unspoken words are breaking me apart.

She's really my key to survival and she has ever been.

I just wish she could see.

I wish I could be her hero once again, and she my princess.

I wish I could be the one who kiss her awake and she would be my beautiful Snow White.

I wish I could give her all her memories back with just one single kiss and I swear I'd do anything, everything, to make her love me again.

Instead I'm trying to sleep, because I finally need to get some rest, but all I see is her face in front of my inner eye and I see her kissing me for the first time.

My lips are still tingling and I can taste her vanilla lipstick.

And when sleep is finally claiming me a sad smile is capturing my lips for a brief moment.

**And if it's a hero you want,  
I can save you. Just stay here.  
Your whispers are priceless.  
Your breathe, it is dear. So please stay near.**

It's in the middle of the night when my headache is saying hello, greeting the rest of my body and I'm jolting awake, falling from the couch suddenly.

The reason for my abruptly and sudden awake is the voice I know so well. I heard her in so many occasions, and I know how she sounds when she's having one of those terrible nightmares that make her nearly going insane.

And I know what to do, I know how to calm her and so I'm running to the bedroom door, open it fast. But what I'm seeing is breaking my heart.

She's lying in the middle of the bed. But what she's doing isn't really lying.

She's struggling. She's crying. She's screaming. She's fighting against a ghost; against the one who is ruling over and in her nightmare. She's capturing in a dream that makes her body sick and it's the first time I'm seeing her wounds clearly, because she's even struggling with her shirt, grabbing it like her heart depends on it and her knuckles are turning white.

I'm going nearer to her, rushing to her side immediately, and when I see her wounds before me I want to throw up, because it's hurting too much to see them. I avoided looking at them, because I couldn't bare the feeling they release in my body.

But I'm freeing my gaze as I hear another scream escaping her throat.

I climb onto the bed to reach her, but it's harder like she thought and as soon as I'm touching her arms firmly to wake her up I can feel her fist and I almost fall out of the bed.

A strong pain is rushing through my veins and I can hardly concentrate, but all that matters is her and her safety, so I put myself together and take her into my arms. And even she's fighting against me first; she's soon calming down when I'm whispering soothing words.

I don't know how long I laid there, weeping her forth and back while I was stroking her head firmly, but she's waking up suddenly, looking me straight into the eyes.

"What…?" She's choking, no real sound leaving her mouth.

"You had a bad nightmare… But you are safe now…" I tell her while I'm looking straight into her eyes. My hand is reaching out for her cheek. It's the first time I'm touching her as firmly as that since she woke up and I'm surprised that she's not pushing me away.

"Don't worry, Arizona. Everything's alright… I'll follow you into darkness…" I whisper hardly audible, but I know she heard me by the way she's looking back, and I did, because I hope there's anything that remembers the first time I told her those words. But she keeps looking at me, vulnerable.

"Why...?" She asks me, tears drying on her oh so beautiful face.

Oh God, how much I want to tell her the truth, but the wall is still high and my fear is still present.

I'm still stroking her cheek when I'm answering her with a sad smile.

"Because you need someone and I'm here. I'll be as long as you need me."

She's smiling grateful and she's whispering "Thank you, Calliope" and that's when my guts are leaving me, when I stand up, because I can't take another round of her whispering or saying my name like that.

"And now sleep again. I'll be just a door away. Call me when you need me…" I say, still smiling in my own sad way and there it is, her Call. For me.

**Will you stay awake for me?  
I don't wanna miss anything  
I don't wanna miss anything  
I will share the air I breathe,  
I'll give you my heart on a string,  
I just don't wanna miss anything.  
**

"Calliope?"

I spin around slightly when I hear her saying my name.

"Yes?"

She's clearing her throat, her eyes remaining on my face and she's stuttering those words. Words which change everything.

"Could you… I mean… The bed is really large and comfy and the couch is… I… It's so strange for me and… new… and you... I just mean… Would you stay if I ask you to stay?"

My heart is pounding furiously in my chest and a simple "Yes" is leaving my mouth, reflecting all the things I'm feeling right now and I can't believe she asked me that.

I'm coming nearer, climbing into our bed again and I feel like a teenager, because I don't know what to do.

And it's strange what's suddenly happening when I'm lying beneath her.

She's saying no word when I suddenly feel her head resting on my shoulder and her hair stroking my face firmly.

She wants to be hold and I'm the one who is able to hold her.

Like I did each night when she couldn't sleep, I take her into my arms, I lay my arms around her and I breathe her scent in. I pull her as close as I can, because it's a moment that feels so pure and wonderful I want to start to cry.

I know she still can't remember and it's tearing my heart apart that this is the only way I'm allowed to touch her, but holing her feels like the purest thing in the world and it feels like I'm a part of her again, and that's enough for me by now.

I'm allowed to smell her scent and to hold her and I realize that she isn't gone yet. I almost lost her to death, but she's still alive. She's alive and that's all that matters.

That's all that matters to me now

**In the moonlight  
Your face it glows  
Like a thousand diamonds  
I suppose  
And your hair flows like  
The ocean breeze  
Not a million fights  
Could make me hate you  
Youre invincible  
Yeah, Its true  
Its in your eyes  
Where I find peace  
**

It's in the middle of the night when I wake up again. But it's not because of her screaming, it's because I can feel her head beside mine and I can feel her breathe on my skin and I smell her. It feels so good that I believe it's just a dream, revealing me the things I lost and can't have back.

But when I open my eyes there she is. There she truly is.

She's lying in front of me, sleeping and one of her hand is supporting her head. The other one is touching mine briefly and all I can do is smile, even I know this is just one night I'm lying here with her. It's just one night I'm able to touch her and watch her sleep. But it's the most relieved and magnificent sight and night for a long time.

**  
Is it broken?  
Can we work it out?  
Lets light up the town, scream out loud!  
Is it broken?  
Can we work it out?  
I can see in your eyes  
Youre ready to break  
Dont look away.**

**Together well wonder  
If we will last these days  
If I asked you to stay  
Would you tell me  
You would be mine?**

I know I shouldn't but I can't control the feeling. I'm standing up, walking around the bed, before I'm climbing onto the bed again. But this time I'm lying behind her and I do what she loves me to do. It's one of our favourite sleeping positions, because every time I'm doing that she feels protected and safe; therefore I'm doing it now too.

I crawl near her and I lay my arm around her torso to pull her nearer and then I'm laying my head right after her head, almost onto her shoulder, and her hair is my pillow. I breathe her in, before I'm closing my eyes firmly and I feel her pulling herself into me front, snuggling, and oh god, I hear her sigh, I hear her smile while she's sleeping. And in her sleep she's taking my hand into hers.

I don't know if this is working out. I don't know if she's going to remember, but I'll do everything to help her through this. I'll do everything to make her feel my love again and I just need time to let her feel my love. But I'm not letting go, because I love her too much. I love everything about her and at most I love sleeping with her in my arms.

A single tear is leaving my eyes; but I'm smiling.

And I stay.

**And time  
is all I ask for  
Time  
I just need one more day  
And time  
You've been crying too long  
Time  
And your tears wrote this song  
Stay  
**


	21. I put a spell on you

**Authors Note:**

I could write an essay just about this song… I love it… ab-solut-ely one of my all time favourite and of course Thanks to Nina Simone for „I put a spell on you', because this song was the reason I wrote on. It was (beneath your reviews) my muse!

This Chapter I wrote in Arizona's point of view and I hope you like it. Just tell me what's better in your opinion. Well I know how much you card for our Callie and how she was feeling about the whole situation.

And please do me a favour. Listen to the song. You need to listen to it to understand how melancholic it is and how much it screams out the words, how much her heart is screaming for someone. I thought it'd capture Callie's emotions perfectly… and of course… Arizona's.

And thank you for being a part of this journey.

-Sun

Ps: Well you see… school started and it's quiet difficult to upload each day… but I'm doing my best!!!! I hope you can be patient!

* * *

**Chapter 21 – I put a spell on you**

No one would believe me if I say I was 'born' 10 days ago.

Of course no one would believe me, because I'm 32 years old to be exactly. In reality I really am.

But I don't live in reality. Instead I'm still a part of a dream and in this dream I hardly survived an accident; in this dream I was born 10 days ago.

In my opinion I'm really 10 days old, but I can talk already and I can eat in my own, I can walk, I can laugh and I can do things everyone else can do and I look like they look.

The only difference between me and everyone else is that I don't remember anything. No one really knows everything about their childhood, but I don't know anything at all. There's Nothing, like someone erased a video tape, but here it's my memory.

I can't tell you the name of my mom and my dad, I don't know if there are any brother or sister of mine outside there or if I've grown up alone; I can' tell you whom I first kiss and in which age I lost my virginity and to whom. I can't even tell you what I did 2 weeks ago, because back then I wasn't born.

And it feels terrible, because it feels like I just overslept 32 years of my life and the scariest thing is that I don't even remember my own name. There were people to tell me.

But it shouldn't be like that. There shouldn't be someone needed to tell me those things.

But… Yay!!! I'm alive and that's awesome! _Super_ awesome!

After the things the doctors told me (who I should know by the way, because I worked with them… but well… what can I do?), I was a very lucky girl to survive this.

But what did I survive? I don't even know why I was lucky.

There are burning wounds on my body, ugly marks gracing my belly and my chest, but I can't remember someone doing this.

There are disturbing dreams, waking me up at night.

Sometimes it's like in a thriller movie I watched with Calliope a few days ago… figures, shadows, silhouettes, screaming's, playing in my head over and over again like a movie and each night there's another Chapter. But I can't see their faces clearly, I just see blood. My blood. And I scream.

But before it's getting further on there she is again.

Waking me up, weeping me, holding me.

When I woke up each time I wanted to ask her what happened, if she knows anything, because I can't differ between reality and dream. But I'm too scared.

Everything is so new and strange and scary that I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do.

I don't know who I can trust and who not. It's scary.

The only one who isn't scary is Calliope. And there is she again, sticking in my mind, beautiful – full lips – magnificent – Calliope. She's the only one I feel save with and even I just know her for 10 days it feels like I know her for an eternity.

The first night I slept here I had a nightmare and I asked her to stay. I asked her to stay, because the warmth of her body, her simple touch captured my mind and I couldn't refuse. I didn't know why I wanted her to stay and why I felt so good in her company, but when she stayed, when I felt her just lying a few centimetres away I couldn't do anything else and so I laid my head on her belly and hugged her slightly. My heart was still pounding heavily, but nor because of the dream I had, it was because of her.

In the middle of the night I woke up, because I felt some pair of arms around my body and her warm breath in my neck. I crawled nearer and I tried to be as close as possible to her.

I didn't know why I was doing it and I didn't understand why my stomach felt as funny as that, but something was going on. I felt something when I was near her, and the feeling is still there when she's touching me.

Somehow we managed to sleep together each night, because I asked her too, even I was scared to annoy her, maybe to go too far.

But when she was holding me there weren't any of these bad dreams, capturing my mind.

When she is around I feel everything except of fear.

**I put a spell on you**

'**Cause your mine**

And again I'm waking up with her in front of me. The past few days I enjoyed the view in front of me when I was opening my eyes. She's sleeping longer than me, so I've been able to see her beautiful face each morning I woke up.

She's the most beautiful girl I have seen in the last 10 days and I feel like I've never seen someone as magnificent as her in my entire life.

I don't know it clearly, but it's a feeling I can't shake, something I know without remembering.

It's the way she's looking when she's awake. The way she's smiling and talking.

The way she's touching me and it's the way she's looking when she's asleep. I don't quiet understand what's happening with me, but the more I look at her, the more I start to like her and I can't shake the thought of her.

I know I'm doing something I shouldn't do, because she's asleep, because it's a line I'm crossing, because she's so sweet and kind, helping me a lot the past few days and I feel like there's a border I shouldn't traverse, but I haven't got the control over my body.

So I'm raising my hand to her soft and beautiful cheek and my fingers are hovering over her face. Moments are passing when I'm lying there, watching her, my fingers still hovering over her features, because there's something in my head, telling me I shouldn't do it.

But the strange and somehow awesome feeling in my stomach and in my heart is leading my actions and so I touch her. And when I touch her it's like I'm dying. I'm dying in front of her, right now, because an electric stroke is rushing through my veins, and I need more.

It's like I'm watching myself from far far away and I can't do anything against my longings when I'm touching her lips with thumb, grazing it.

And right before my lips are touching hers, the lips I long for so much, I cringed, almost falling out of the bed.

I _shouldn't_ do that.

I _shouldn't_ touch her like that.

_I shouldn't_ want her like that.

_I shouldn't. _

But I _do_.

Without thinking I stand up and I ran out of the bedroom, leaving the sleeping beauty behind me.

I _shouldn't _be doing this.

But I _do_.

**You better stop the things you are doing**

When I'm standing under the shower, silent tears are grazing my face and thoughts of how she touched me, while we were watching movies a few days ago are entering my mind.

I _shouldn't_ be doing this. I _shouldn't_ think about her in that way, when she is lying just a few meters away from me. I _shouldn't _be thinking about her in that way when she was so self – scarifying, letting me stay with her.

…And suddenly I feel some strong arms around my torso and all I can to is moan.

I feel arms right under my naked breasts and some pair of hands wandering, hovering, and moving over my body.

I lay my head back in pleasure and my breath is going unsteady, because of the hands, roaming over my hot body. I can't stop the moans leaving my mouth, even I bit down my lips, but when her full and oh so perfect lips are touching my neck I can't hide my desire and my satisfaction.

"Don't hold them back." A voice is entering my mind and I can't believe how turned in I am just by hearing her sore and husky voice.

"I want you…" She's saying, while her lips are working on my neck and her hands are touching my breasts so willingly. She's moving my head with her hands and she's totally having the control over my body. I guess she's really like _yay!_

I never felt that weak and full of desire. I never thought a human being could survive such strong feelings without bursting.

"I need you…"

I'm telling her, while her hands are wandering over my body, coming nearer to the place I need her to be.

"I know…"

Oh god, _yes_… she knows what she's doing with me. She knows what – _ahh_ – she's doing to me.

I throw my head back and I feel like I fall back and I wait for her to stop me from falling, I wait for her support, and there she is, holding me close while her hand is hovering over my hot and oh so wet centre.

"I want to hear those moans, falling from your lips…" She's whispering and the arousal isn't deniable.

A moan is leaving my lips, entering her ears, filling her mind, like her words are filling mine.

"I want to hear you moan my name…" And with that she's touching me for the first time, while she's still squeezing my breasts tightly.

_Oh god…_What she's doing to me isn't able to explain. It's magical. It's unbelievable… It's…

"Calliope…" I let out a soft, but loud moan, as her fingers are entering me so suddenly and I never felt that freed.

I'm grabbing for her black and fleecy hair as she's moving her fingers in a steady rhythm. I'm grinding into her with my ass and I can feel her nipples stiffen against my back.

"Oh god… Calliope… I need you… I need you so much closer…" And with that she is pressing me against the cold and hard wall, pressing herself into me.

We are sweating, we are moaning, we are calling out our names. But the most beautiful sound is her grinding into me. The sound of the water and her liquor.

"Arizona…"

She's calling out for me and I smile. When she's saying my name it sounds so beautiful. But then there is it again.

"Arizona…?" She's asking with a concern eyes and I open my eyes.

I'm still standing there under the shower, hot water grazing my body, but she isn't with me. She isn't there. It was a dream. A dream that seemed fucking real… Oh god… It feels like it was reality. It feels like I did that once before. It felt so real… I could really feel her lips on my shoulders when I was moaning her name.

I'm clearing my throat before I answer. "Yes?"

"Everything's alright?? You want a coffee?"

"Yes please…" I'm replying, still out of breathe.

I _ab-solut-ely_ need a coffee right now.

I don't know why and I know I _shouldn't _but I confess that she's making me crazy.

I was brought back into reality and I need a cold shower, because I'm still aroused and she's still capturing my mind. I wish she wouldn't be there. But my body is still aching to be touched by her; even I know I _shouldn't_ feel like that.

For god's sake she was just a colleague, maybe straight as an arrow, but she's still _oh_ so beautiful.

And as I'm entering the living room she's standing behind the kitchen counter with a cup of coffee in her hands and I guess no one can look that beautiful after just standing up, waiting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in their hands.

I don't want to be honest with myself, because it's easier to pretend that you are not falling for a person you can't have, but when I'm looking at her I can't deny the undeniable:

I love her raven long and shining hair, when soft curls are caressing her chin and gracing her caramel coloured skin and her strong shoulders.

I know I don't remember and I know there hasn't been something between us before, but it feels like I never longed so much for someone before. It feels like I'm longing for her since I was born, since I was able to think and to feel.

"Your coffee is finished…" She says, looking at me in a strange way and I realize we can't be.

"Thank you…" I reply softly while I'm grabbing for the mug.

I realize that we _can't_ be, but when our fingers are touching slightly and briefly, I know that we _should_ be.

She was the only one I trusted when I opened my eyes for the first time, not knowing anything, walking in the dark. She truly was the light that leaded me to the brighter side and with her I feel save somehow.

I feel like I remember…

Even I don't.

But it feels so similar to something I once experienced; to something I once had; something I did, something I felt before.

**I ain't lyin'**

"And what are we going to do today?"

I hope she's saying that we are going to spend another day together, because I feel good in her company, _super_ good.

But I also know that she stayed at home long enough and she's a doctor. They need her there. Of course I know how important her job is, and a part of me feels like I know that feeling. But there's also a selfish- part in me that wants her to stay.

"Unfortunately I have to go and see one of my patients…"She is saying with a sad tone before she's taking a sip of her black coffee the same time I'm drinking mine, with milk and one sugar and I'm surprised how she knew what I liked before I knew it.

There are so many things she seems to know.

"Everything's alright?" A stupid question after all, but she knows what I want her to do with asking. I want her to explain the situation to me.

"Well… it's a little girl… She felt from a tree and broke both of her legs badly. But I fixed her with two operations and we gave her morphine to ease the pain and other medicine, so it should heal. But she is lying there for 2 weeks now what's really not normal. Her wounds doesn't heal, but we didn't find anything yet." She explains concerned and I think it's awesome how much she cares, but there's something else going on in my head.

It's like I have a searching machine in my head, tipping in the things I need, and there are words, connections, explanations, solutions, things I never heard of before, but they are there nevertheless and I understand what she's saying.

But the craziest thing is that I want to help, I care about a girl I have never seen and I want to see her health again like it's my life Callie is talking about.

Maybe it's because I was like Callie once. I was a doctor and I guess a part of me still is.

"Mhm… maybe there is another disease that hindering her breaking bones to heal. Maybe her immune system is infected anyhow. You could run some blood tests and do some scans of her brain and her heart…"

I say like I was talking about the weather right before I was taking a sip of my coffee and all I earn is a strange look, silence, hope filling the room instead and I fell uncomfortable with myself, because I have to destroy an oh so great feeling.

Hope is the only thing that keeps us alive.

And oh I wish I would remember something, anything, and everything.

"How do you come to that conclusion?" She looks at me as she has seen a ghost, but all I do is shrugging with my shoulders.

"I don't know… It was just in my mind… I don't know where it came from…" I reply, before I'm changing the subject abruptly, because I can't stand her looking like that.

"And what were you planning for today?" I'm asking her, smiling wickedly in her direction.

"Well – uh – Mark asked me if we would come over to Joe's. It's our favourite place after work or when we have some spare time…We are there almost each night and we love it to hang out there and they thought it would be great to meet us there. Owen, Christina and Lexie will be there too."

"That's a great idea. I'm looking forward to it. And now go to work before I miss you to much…"

I say giggling; squeezing her hand and I let my hand linger and I look her straight into the eyes. It's harder than I thought to free myself from her brown eyes, from her endlessly desert that leads to an oasis. To the oasis I want to stay.

But before I do something else than starring at her I rush into the bathroom drying my hair.

There are lines that _shouldn't_ be crossed.

* * *

The day passed really fast. Well I had a Lot to do after Callie was gone.

She told me she would hurry, but she guessed she would be late, because there had been a lot of work for her to do lately.

So I spent the whole day in front of her wardrobe, looking at the clothes she got me intentionally, maybe even for hours before I was able to decide what I would wear.

In my eyes it was just simple perfect, but I also wondered why the clothes and the underwear fit me so well. Calliope was a lot more curvy and feminine than I am, but those clothes are perfect, like they were made for me and when I'm looking into the mirror I'm satisfied.

When I hear the door open I'm happy I see her again, but she's just throwing a loud "Hey. I'm back. Taking the shower." At me before I lost her to the bathroom for almost half an hour. At least she didn't need as long as me and when she was coming out I just could think about how stunning she is looking. Judging from how she looked at me she was thinking the same, even I just wear a grey shirt that punctuates my décolleté, a black denim jacket and blue denim… and my ass looks fabulous… I mean _Super_ fabulous.

But what do I try to reach with this? What do I want?

I don't understand the intension behind my actions; I guess it's too difficult to understand my own feelings when I'm _only_ 10 days old.

Hey Rome wasn't build up in a few days, too.

That took ages!

Why should I understand what I'm feeling?

I understand that I want… her… somehow… maybe… for sure…?

I feel like a teenager that can't decide between a backstreet boys or a spice girls concert.

Why did I have to grow up that fast?

When I try to read her mind, by looking her into the eyes, she's still looking at me like she has seen a ghost and I try to change the subject… again.

"When are we going to meet them?"

She shrieks like I woke her up from a dream.

"Oh – ah – in … 10 minutes exactly…" She replies and I'm laughing out loud.

**No I ain't lyin'**

Somehow I felt like I'm already a part of them, even I met them tonight for the first time in private, besides being my doctors. But it feels warmth with them around me, it feels like they know me and I know them.

It feels good to hear Calliope smile and laugh when Mark is telling a joke, and it feels good to be able to forget that I'm not remembering anything.

It feels like I can built up a life without remembering, even I wish there would be any chance for me to evoke my lost memories.

But now I try not to think about the things I might lose. Instead I keep looking at Calliope, who is a part of my 'new' life.

However I'm scared of loosing her when I get my old life back, because it seems like she wasn't a real part of it.

I hope she will still be there for me when I gain my memories back.

I wish for nothing more than to have her in my life.

"Hey… hey! I have another joke… Okay a hippie is entering a bus and he sees a nun in the last row. Well he's going over to hear, saying 'Hey sweetie. I guess you never had sex. Wouldn't it be time to try it?'… Well the nun was screaming out loud in shock and the hippie was about to leave the bus again when the bus driver was stopping him, saying 'You want to have sex with her, you go to the church on Friday night. She's praying there each week. You are going in there with a pope costume and you'll say god sent you to have sex with her'. The hippie smiled mischievously and came into the church on Friday evening. The nun was already kneeling there and the hippie went to her, telling her the things the bus driver told him and the nun allowed it. Afterwards he was removing his mask screaming:' Ha - ha! I'm the hippie…' And suddenly the nun spinned around saying 'Ha - ha, I'm the bus driver!"

We laughed our ass off so almost everyone was looking at us. I never thought those jokes are funny, but Mark really knows how to tell them.

And it's also interesting to listen to all of them, to listen to the hospital stories I might be involved, about the last operation they did.

It's friendly and they are laughing a lot, even Christina likes to be a little bit annoyed sometimes and she's little bit bitchy, but I even like her.

I like all of them.

Especially I like her.

The one I'm gazing at all the time. The one I _shouldn't_ be gazing at. I _should_ be only thankful for the thing she did for me the last days. No I _shouldn't_ fall in love with…

**You know I can't stand it**

**You're running around**

"Excuse me…" A soft female voice is interrupting Mark who is telling one of his never ending and very sexist jokes again and each of us is looking up, even it was meant for me.

"Yes?" I say politely and maybe I am blended but I really don't know what she's wanting.

And I guess I'm the only one, because each of them is looking shocked in her direction and Calliope looks sad, somehow.

"I… I wanted to ask you, if you'd like to dance…"

I look up and it's somehow sweet that she's rumbling like that. Its sweet she wants to dance with me. It's kinda new that someone feels attracted to me and I don't really want to turn her down. To be honest she looks like a sweet girl to me with her brown hair short and a good looking black shirt.

"Fortunately I really like the song… So… Yes… I'd like to…" I'm saying, but before I stand up I look in their direction.

"or… is it okay with you?" I ask all of them. But more I ask in Calliopes direction, but it seems like she isn't minding.

"No. Of course not. Have fun." She's replying, even smiling and I'm not waiting before I stand up, walking after the sweet girl and hardly we reached the dance floor I can feel her hands roaming over my body.

She' not one of the slow characters and I'm giving completely in, when I'm standing with my back to her and her hands are touching me on me belly, wandering down to my thigh while I'm moving my body in the rhythm of the music.

**You know better daddy**

I know I shouldn't do it, while I'm dancing with this girl, but I can't stop looking in Calliopes direction.

I look her directly in the eyes, filled with lust, and arousal, because my body is on fire since I started to dance, but I can't interpret the glances she's sending my way.

I know they are watching me, but I close my eyes and I give completely in, until I hear a voice I know _oh_ so well, and when I spin around it's Calliope capturing me in a sexy dance, and all I can think of are her hands on my hips, wandering up to the point where my bra is and I close my eyes again.

I know this is ridiculous, because as long as I'm not a witch (what I would have forgotten, by the way), it wasn't be Calliope in front of my eyes and when I open them, it's another girl in my arms, whispering soft words in my ears, asking me if I want to come with her, home.

But I can't. Even I'd do anything to forget the other girl, because I will never be able to call her mine, I can't ignore my true feelings and so I excuse myself and I spin around, my eyes searching for hers.

But she's long gone.

**I can't stand it**

"Where is she?" I ask when I'm reaching the table again to grab my jacket and it's Mark who is answering in a soft and sad voice.

"She's gone home…"

I want to ask why, but I don't, because I want to get to her as fast as possible. I murmur a simple "I'm sorry…" before I'm leaving too.

**Cause you put me down**

When I'm entering the room with the key she gave me a few days ago I hear the sobs coming from the living room and without calling out for her I walk over to the fragile figure sitting on the ground with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hands and before she is able to react I'm sitting in front of her, watching her tears fall freely.

She speaks, but all she's saying sounds Spanish to me. For god sakes why is she talking Spanish??? Just a few English words leaving her mouth and I put them together.

**Ye – yeah**

**I put a spell on you**

"I saw… you dancing… and… god… I want you to be happy.. but ¿por qué?... madre mía… it breaks my heart…" I hear through her sobbing and I can't believe what she said.

I can't believe how furiously my heart is pounding in my chest. But she really said those words… She really did…

Words that changed just everything and even she's crying I need to smile.

With those words she made my heart ache, because I feel… I feel _awesome_.

And she's still crying her heart out. She's still speaking Spanish and she won't stop, until I do something I wanted to do so long.

And so I'm looking at her with all the love and the desire I have to give, and there is it.

Words. Words I needed to say for days.

But now I'm not biting my lips to hide those words under my tongue.

Instead my heart is lying right in front of her.

"Touch me…" I'm saying in a soft voice and suddenly the room is filled with silence.

I've never seen something beautiful like her.

* * *

**Authors Note:**

Your choice… next chapter… Arizona's POV or Callie's POV again??

Your decision ;-)

All my best wishes & love to you

I hope you liked that

-Sun


	22. I love you anyhow

**Authors Note:**

Oh…. I really couldn't decide which POV to do… so I wrote it with both ;-)

Thank you so much… I really love your reviews and how you keep reading. I know it takes longer now, but I'm doing my best. I hope you like this, even I don't think it's the best Chapter so far, because it has always been difficult to write things like that, But I hope you like it.

Thanks for everything.

All my love to all of you

**Chapter 22 - I love you anyhow**

She's sitting in front of me, staring at me with praying and pleading eyes and all I want to do is follow her deepest wish. But I'm just staring at her; the alcohol is still burning in my throat, and I ask myself if it was an illusion what she said, something I wanted her to say or was it the truth?

I'm looking into her eyes to find the answer, to find the truth, but there's nothing than a dark blue ocean, reflecting my own deep wishes.

My whole body is shaking when I raise my hands to her cheek and it feels like dream I spent the nights with.

It's like an impossible thing getting finally possible.

But I'm not touching her; instead my shaking hands are hovering over her cheek, longing to touch her.

I never thought I would feel too much that I wouldn't be able to touch her, but now it's like her whole body is on fire and I'm scared it will be cooled off as soon as I'm giving in into her beauty.

And there it is again. Her sweet an already husky voice.

"Please… Touch me…" She's saying.

3 Words that changes everything.

One simple touch that send a magnifying electric rush through our bodies and I can't believe that this is really happening when I thought we were over.

But I love her anyhow. I love her even she would turn her back on me. I love her no matter what's happening, because she'll ever be mine and now, when my hand is touching her, I feel that she's still mine.

She already closes her eyes, giving her self up, like I do. And with only one single touch there's a satisfaction I never felt before. But I hesitate and I wait. I try to let this feeling last as long as possible, even I want it to be replaced by something else, something stronger. A feeling I got to know the first time I was touching her.

Then when her tongue is touching my thumb firmly and she's moving her head to the side my hand is lasting I can't hold myself back. There isn't a way I'm doing this to fast.

I love her and she should know. With my actions I want her to show how much I love her. How much I missed her.

* * *

I'm waiting for her reaction. I laid my heart out in front of her, and I want her to take it. I want her to give us a chance; even she would fall in love with a newborn.

I look at her with praying and pleading eyes.

I want her so much closer, but it feels like she's waiting an eternity, just looking into my eyes.

But finally she's raising her hands to my cheek, just before her lips are capturing mine sweetly.

She takes her time and even I need her so much, even I ache to be touched by her hands everywhere, I love just the feelings of those soft and beautiful lips on mine.

We take time to explore our lips shyly and I love the sensation of her lips. Everything is tingling, my body is prickling, just because she is opening her mouth and it gets deeper and deeper, like we are drifting away together.

When they talked about their first kiss in the movies or while we were with the other at Joe's, about kisses at all, I never thought it was truth that just a kiss could send you to heaven and keep you there. They also said you would never forget your first kiss. And I'll never forget this feeling.

Everything feels so good and pure, when my hands are crawling up to her face, intensifying the feeling of her.

And when I can't get enough of the feeling I never want to let go again, I push her back softly without breaking the kiss until I'm lying on top of her.

I don't know what to do, because I never did this.

At least I don't remember, but somehow I know what to do with her. I feel so close to her it scares the life out of me, but I also enjoy the feeling like nothing before.

When I position myself between her legs and my hands are slowly crawling under her shirt a moan escapes her lips and I break up the kiss. I never heard something sexual an arousal before.

I look her straight into the eyes and find something else than never ending lust and desire.

Its hope and it looks exactly like love. It makes me believe that we did this before. It makes me believe, that she loved me for a long time. I caress her face with my fingers, stroking over her below lip and she closes her eyes, moaning again.

God I never thought I could have such affection over anyone, but whenever I touch her, wherever I touch her, her body seems to ache for mine.

Before I kiss her I use my hands to undress my upper body and I just wear a dark red bra. Scarcely have I sat on top of her with just my bra her hand found the way to my exposed skin and she whispers a simple "You are so beautiful…" and with that I undress her to.

It's a game of our senses, and our bodies pressed on each other.

I lay down on her, caressing her soft creamy skin with my knuckles and my fingers.

It feels like I know how she feels and how she moans and gasps and when she's aroused.

It feels like I know all these things when I close my eyes and kiss her again.

And again.

And again.

And… again.

* * *

Somehow I was able to manage to lie on the top of her.

God… how much I loved the feeling of her thighs between me legs; but now I needed to feel her under me. I needed to touch her, to feel her again when days passed in which I thought I would never be able to touch her like that.

Our love making hasn't even started, but I already start to grind against her, because I want to hear her moaning, I want her to say my name, I want her to beg.

And there it is, the most beautiful thing I've ever heard and the feelings are overwhelming me as her hand is grabbing me behind my neck, pulling me in for another passionate and searing kiss.

"I want you… Calliope… I really want… you… so much…" She says in between the kisses and I open the zipper of her trousers, already feeling and smelling the moist, waiting for me.

It's crazy how aroused she gets by my touch.

It's crazy how she's sending me almost over the edge with just a kiss.

"Touch me where I want to be touched…" She whispers and her voice is shaking.

"Where do you want to be touched?" I can't resist teasing her a little bit. Arizona always was the one who loved me doing the dirty talk and I guess she's still the same. But now there's also something else. Exploding desire in her eyes and in her actions.

She's grabbing my hand and brings it to her wet core and as soon as I'm touching her she shakes. I know she's near, because I know how she's sounding and feeling.

Oh god… I never get over how she makes me feel. I never get over that I cum, just by touching her.

When I'm drifting through her wet folds she's gasping and she doesn't breathe normal.

I want to say words of love, clarifying how much I love, want and need her. But no word is leaving me mouth while I'm kissing a part of her neck that makes her crazy.

I'm pull fingers inside of her and she's gasping my name. She's screaming out for me to quicken the pace and I suddenly feel her hands on mine, pulling me out of her and I'm scared I did too much. I'm scared of losing her, because of doing the wrong thing; but then I feel her fingers around my jeans. It's like my clothes doesn't want to be on my skin anymore and she's the one who clarifies it.

"Put them off… please…"

She's begging and I do what she wants, until I'm kneeling completely naked over her and I see her holding her breathe.

"You are… oh god… you are so beautiful…" She whispers.

"I… I want to feel you…" She only says and I know what she means when she's spreading her legs wide, so I have space. It has always been our favourite position.

I open her wet and oh so soft folds and I pull myself into her, until our throbbing cores are connected and with that she screams my name a thousand times, her fingernails in my shoulder blades while I'm grinding heavily against her.

And there's no space between us. Even our breasts are connected. Our whole body is connected like our soul, like our eyes.

Even when we are kissing each other we are looking us in the eyes, right into the darkest part of our soul. She only has the key to it.

And when a searing kiss, a battle of our tongues, is starting I enter her with 2 fingers.

"Oh god… Jesus… Calliope…" She's screaming and her moans are filling my mind.

And I cry… I cry when she cums in my arms.

* * *

When I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel her naked body under me and I look up, straight into her magnifying face I call mine.

I don't know how that happened and I can't believe I felt in love with her so fast, but here it is.

My heart is on a line.

My heart is connected to hers.

I lower my mouth and I kiss the valley of her breasts firmly, I'm kissing her whole body, even my lips are still swollen from our hours love making. As soon as we started we couldn't stop to explorer each other, and we just stopped because sleep was claiming us, and I couldn't think about something better than drifting of to sleep in her arms.

But now I'm wide awake and memories of the last few hours are capturing my mind. I can't get enough of her. Even I tell myself she needs to sleep, I can't stop touching her.

It's like an addiction and so I'm lowering my mouth once again to touch her still wet place and I kiss her.

I kiss her with my lips so softly, and then strong, and fast, until I hear her moaning.

She's awake, her hands are grabbing for my hair, pulling myself into her and I taste her.

I taste her a long time, quicken the pace, until I stop to tease her and I do it slowly, because it feels more intense.

"Arizona…" She's moaning my name and I can't stop myself now.

I bite down her clit and lick hard and fast to bring her over the edge. I take her there with my lips, my tongue and my fast growing love.

And when I'm squeezing her naked breasts her whole body is shaking uncontrollably and she screams. She screams my name out loud and I can't help, but smile to myself.

God…I'm really falling in love with her more each passing moment.

And when I crawl up so I lie on top of her I kiss her tenderly.

Oh God… how much I love how she tastes.

And when I kiss her neck and her breast again there it is. Two words that made my heart ache in felicitousness. She's my salvation.

**I love you**

**I love you**

**I love you anyhow**

**And I don't care**

**If you don't want me**

**I'm your right now**

**You hear me**

**I put a spell on you**

**Cause you're mine**

"Te quiero… tanto…" Calliope whispers softly, and I guess she thinks I don't understand, but somehow I know each of those words and they sound so familiar in my ears.

People would say it's to fast, but I love her.

I love her so much, already.

She thinks I don't understand, but I know what she says.

I know what she feels.

Because I feel the same.


	23. Chapter 23

**Authors Note: **Hey my buddy's… I feel very very bad now. I know you can't wait and ask yourself how it's going on and I let you wait… this is a very short Chapter, because I've got the flu and my head is really not functioning.

But I'm working on a longer Chapter. I'm sorry the updates needs a little bit, but you know I hurry. Hope you had a nice weekend and you'll have a better week than I have.

All my best wishes to you

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 23**

I spent days waking up with her at my side, but this morning was something special.

It was wonderful when I first opened my eyes, because I felt her soft breath on my skin and I felt her shift beneath me and when I look up I see her smile.

"Good morning…"

She is murmuring in the sweetest voice and I want to kiss her again. I raise my fingers to her lips and touch them firmly. They are still swollen and I can't think about something more sexy and beautiful than her lips, than her eyes looking at me like that; like I am the most beautiful thing she has ever seen.

"Good morning…" I reply and my lips are asking for a kiss.

"… but it would be a lot better if you kiss me…"

I pout and she starts to laugh. But then she's crawling down to me, touching me legs while her lips are hovering over mine.

"Have I ever told you that I love your legs?" Calliope is asking me and her hands are wandering to my inner tight, caressing my still aroused skin as I'm remembering what we did last night and what I want to do with her the rest of my life.

"No. you haven't…" I say in between kisses and throw my head back when she's nibbling a sensitive spot of my neck.

"Then I'll say it now… I love your legs…"

She tiptoes with her middle finger and her forefinger to another very sensitive and hot spot while she's looking into my eyes. I can read there a lot, because they are darker than usual like last night when we made love, but there's something else as I'm stroking her cheek firmly. I want her so badly, but at the same time I want to know what's going on in her mind and how she's feeling about us.

Maybe I'm doing this too fast, but I fall in love with her. I have those strong feelings and I want to be with her. I want to learn with her what it means to live, what it means to do the same things even I don't know who I was, what it means to go on, without knowing who I really am.

They told me that I'd remember soon. Maybe. But it feels like I'm not going to remember. At first it scared me. At first it felt like weight on my shoulders and I didn't know what it would be, but with her at my side it doesn't matter.

It feels like I'm going to start a new life and I want her at my side.

"Calliope…"

"Yeah?"

"What is this with us…? I mean… How will it continue?"

All I hope for is honesty. All I hope for is her love.

* * *

When I saw her dancing with the other girl I couldn't stop my tears from falling and before someone could stop me I rushed off.

I thought alcohol would help me to forget; maybe it would help me to accept.

Of course I couldn't accept and I couldn't forget.

I could never forget her. I could never forget how she tasted and how she felt; I could never forget how her hand instinctively found mine when we were walking through the city and how she whispered those tree words in my ears when I never expect it. I could never forget how she laughed and how she smiled and how beautiful that sounded in my ears.

I could never forget my love for her and how she felt for me once, but she was alive. She was alive and that was all that counted. I told myself it was important that she was going to be happy, even it wasn't with me. I told it myself over and over again, and it was the truth: All I wanted was her health and happiness.

But it broke my heart. I knew I couldn't be happy if she was with someone else.

And then she entered the apartment and she sat in front of me, saying words that changed everything. First I was scared it'd be a one night thing, because she needed someone. I was scared I'd be an affair, but now there are so much unspoken words in my mind and now I've got the chance to tell her.

She's looking at me and I can't hide my smile. I thought I lost her, but she was still mine. She will ever be.

"What do you want?" I ask with a whisper and I crawl nearer to her. I want to be as close as possible.

"I want… I want you… I want to be together with you…" She replies a little bit shyly and I think it's sweet to see her like that.

"You know what?? I want to be together with you, too…" A smile spreading on her face and she's revealing her oh so sugary dimples.

"I know… because I'm awesome…" I start to giggle as she's leaning forward to kiss me, but before I can I need to tell her something else. It's time to tell her the truth. I waited too long.

"But… Ari… there's something I need to tell you… there's something I really need you to know…" I start and she wrinkles up her eyebrows. Oh god… it's harder than I thought.

"Before your accident…"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Damn…"

I spin around furiously and search the object that causes the noises and which interrupted my confession. And when I found it I realize that I sometimes absolutely hate my job. Sometimes there are really bad timings.

"I'm sorry, Ari…there's an emergency… I have to go now… but I come home as soon as I'm ready, okay?"

She smiles at me and nods understandingly.

"Ab-solut-ely okay! Go and save lives and come back as soon as possible. I can't wait for you to come back…" She says and I kiss her deeply before I rush out of the room, searching for my clothes.

I can't hide my smile as I'm leaving my apartment. She wants to be together with me… But even it seems like I have her back, like she's mine again, there's also a strange feeling intermingling with the happiness I feel.

I need to tell her so we can be what we were before.


	24. You're the cause of all my trouble&pain

**Authors Note:**

Thanks for all your reviews! Oh god I know this is going soooo slow, but well… surprise… I'm still sick =/… but all your wishes helped a lot and I'm feeling a little better now!!!! Here's the first part of my "Don't explain" Chapter. The song is "Don't explain" by Cat Power. It's such a great song!!! Listen to it and hopeful you like this, even it's sad…

And omg I'm really looking forward for today! I hope we get our Callie/Ari scenes, because they are worth it! They really are!!!! Have fun while watching ;-)

All my best wishes to you

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 24**** – You're the cause of all my trouble and pain**

I guess there's a time in life everything's perfect and you can't believe it's your life your living. You are afraid it's someone else's and when you wake up you realize it was just a bad dream and you wake up in a life that's alike a pyre.

Unfortunately it's very often like that and there's nothing you can do about it.

Precisely nothing.

You stand in front of the fire and watch it helplessly; you watch it burn down the walls of your newly and safe built home.

Life isn't easy. Life is like love and love is a piano dropped from the fourth floor and you are in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And I guess the piano that struck me dead was a grand piano, over sized.

Sometimes it's better not to wake up… Ever.

* * *

_2 days earlier…_

When she closed the door behind her I stretched out in her bed, naked, and a big fat grin was plastered on my face, making me to the next Cheshire Cat in the Remake of 'Arizona' in Wonderland. I couldn't believe how eleven days could change my life so easily. You have to confess it's an ab-solut-ely record to find the love of your life within 11 days. And yes it sounds cheesy, but that's how I feel.

I feel cheesy, corny with a breeze of sweetness, tenderness and a lace of happiness.

The _perfect_ recipe.

So I stand up, full of joy, which I could fill the whole world with or at least annoy Dr. Yang for the rest of her life, and run into the kitchen to make myself scrambled eggs after I've found a sort of shirt and shorts.

I wish I could concentrate on anything, but my mind is filled with her and it feels magical and real. I don't feel lonely anymore like I did when I woke up not knowing who and where I was. She was my guidance I guess. She was my…

**Hush now, **

**don't explain**

Suddenly I snap out of my thoughts hearing the telephone ring, but before I reach it the answering machine takes the call immediately and so I rush back to my already burnt meal to get them of the stove.

And I smile to myself as I hear the voice of an older man, referring himself as Calliope's father. I hear it in his voice, in the way he is greeting her. It's strange, but somehow I already knew this kind of greetings. And even if I shouldn't, I listen to his strong and deep voice, because it's not easy to overhear it. But my smile is suddenly fading as I listen to his words intentionally.

"Hello mija… I know it's a little bit odd to get called by your old father, but I needed to call you. It has been a long time since you called the last time. It has been months ago and I still ask myself if your mad with me? I know it wasn't easy for both of you, but I thought we solved our problems. I hope you know I accept her and your relationship… You have been together long enough to proof that this isn't just a phase and I believe you she makes you happy, so… I have to accept it and I really do. I want you to be happy, Calliope, believe me… But it hurts, because I had to call the chief to get to know what happened to her? I called him, because I couldn't reach you at all and I was scarred and asked him if you are working, and he told me everything about the hostage and that she barely survived! Damn, mija, why haven't you told me anything? I know it has been a hard time, but I hope you call me back… I want my daughter back, Calliope… Tell Arizona I hope she's recovering soon and maybe we could meet us soon…. I love you, mija…"

**You're the cause of **

**all my trouble and pain  
**

First I thought nothing. I thought nothing, because my heart was breaking at the thought of her with someone else and me being a secret, dreaming a childish dream. How could she fall in love with a newborn? How could I ever believe that she would…?

Then I heard it loud and clearly.

_Arizona…_

The word repeating in my head making an annoyance sound.

And this single word, my own name, is breaking my back.

I can't stand. I can't even breathe. It was me; it was me all the time. I was hers. I am hers again. Or am I still hers? We were one, all the time. Even… before… before the accident… the accident…?

* * *

"_Calliope!!!" _

"_Please…" _

"_Okay…"_

"_Now, go and get her as fast as possible or she will be dead before you are coming back…"_

"_Don't do something stupid before I get back… stay alive… Please… I love you…" She was saying with her eyes as she left the OR, running._

* * *

My head is suddenly pounding and I need to rub my temple. And there are… there are voices… screaming's… faces…

* * *

"_What's going on? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" _

"_She is bleeding right into her heart… I need to shock her heart… I need to…"_

"_150…" _

"_If she dies… YOU are going to die, too!!!!" _

"_200!!!!"_

_And the sound of the metal hands connected to her motionless heart was filling the air. __It was the sound of the death's laughter._

* * *

A scream is leaving my mouth and there are pictures, like in the nights I spent with nightmares, with movies I don't know, rushing through my mind. Hurtful pictures and I try to grab the kitchen counter, but it's too late.

* * *

"_You... ARE GOING… to …"_

"_She'll die Steve! If I'm going to operate she will die…." _

"…_operate…"_

"_I can't do anything else... I did all I…"_

"_You are going…"_

"_can…You have to be rationally and spend the time you have left with her…"_

"_to…" _

"_Steve… please listen to me… You have to think about what you are doing. Bonnie needs you… She needs her father…"_

"_operate… you are going to…"_

"_I'll be there. I promise, but she's going to die if I operate now."_

"_Steve… please… Be reasonable..."_

"_Steve…"_

"_YOU… are… going to…"_

"…_OPERATE!"_

* * *

The wounds are starting to burn, revealing the painful truth.

And that's what I see in front of my closed eyes.

The truth.

* * *

"_You are hurt, Ari… You are seriously hurt… There's a wound right over your cymbal and right over your heart… If I'm…"_

It's her… It's really her.

"_Don't do anything…" _

"_No… No! Ari, we are going to save you. Of course we are going to save you, because there are children who need you, even the others need you, because you are kind, gentle and you would do anything… you did anything to save a life. You are always doing what's right in your opinion and you… you are so strong… You care for your patients more than anyone else around here… Ari, even the chief needs you to stay alive… the hospital need you and most of all… I need you more than anything … more than anyone else… So be quiet now and let me try…. Because… seriously, you don't wanna mess with me." _

* * *

"_Please… Callie…" _

"_Just hold me…"_

* * *

"_No… NO! You can't leave me… You can't leave me here… Please, Ari. I'm nothing without you… please come back… please come back to me…"_

* * *

My head is connecting with the cold hard floor and I don't know how I survive when I really feel like a fish on the ground, taken away from the place it could breathe, into a world full of pain and sorrow and the truth. But I don't want the truth. I want a lie. I want to life in a lie if it means there is no pain caused by a man who daughter I tried to save and caused by a woman I felt in love with, I trusted.

I can't breathe and I don't want to anymore. I don't know who I am; even I found it out minutes ago.

Days ago when I thought she was the most beautiful and trustable woman on earth I felt more alive than I do now.


	25. Don't explain

**Authors Note: **

More Drama Baby!

But wohow… who loved the shower scene last night??? *hands up in the air* I adore it and maybe I seem addicted now (what I am to confess)… I watched it over and over again! When I first saw it I was like: no way! Oh my god, yes!!! Unfortunately the only real screen time of them together, but I'm a lil bit satisfied and hope there will be more next week!

I'm sorry I know this is about fanfiction here, but wow was I crashed when I say this!! =)

And here's another Chapter… something you might kill me for… but remember… you love this… okay???

Hopefully you'll have a nice weekend ;-) We'll see us here again very soon, because I feel better and I want to write and write and write after the pause I had. I just need to time.

And this is still Cat Power – "Don't explain"

So, hopefully we'll read us soon again ;-)

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 25 – Don't explain**

I ask myself how relationships really end. And why they do.

I mean there are a lot of connections to friends, to family members, to colleagues, to lovers and sometimes to strangers too. But every time you think your life is great something happens and then you're standing in the dark, left alone, remaining alone and your only company are your thoughts.

And thoughts are the worse killers. You can do something against almost everything, against every one. But you can't to something against your thoughts. And each time I was left my thoughts were killing me slowly if no one was there to catch my shattered pieces and put them back together.

Now there's another break up, another breaking heart, another night I spent with my thoughts. But I'm scared that I won't survive this night. If I'm not drowning in my tears I'll die because of a broken heart for sure. Without her I die.

Very often I was lost… but this time…

Her existence is my hope.

Her absence is my sorrow.

**Unless you're mine **

**don't explain  
**

_A few hours earlier__…_

Mark once said to me when I was crying over Erica again I should have sex with someone, because sex was a lot better than chocolate.

Sex was developed for sad people to get happy again. It was something why he's happy all the time, running around with a big smile plastered on his face. Well, I knew the magic of sex, it was really not bad. But I never really believed him that it was something to wash away your bad feelings and instead feed you with enormous happiness instead.

But now, wow… I guess I'm the "next Seattle Grace top Arizona Robbins" the way the other doctors and interns are looking at me. During the operation I grinned like a Cheshire cat and with my smile I could have blind whole Seattle.  
After I finished the operation I'm removing my clothes now with someone more beautiful to make Arizona gasp another time again when I arrive home in a few minutes, but before I could leave the hospital Mark is catching up with me.

"Hey Cheshire Cat."

I look at him, raising my eyebrow. I could shoot something back, but I'm just too happy to be sarcastic.

"Wait… No snappish reply? What's wrong with you???"

I laugh at this comment and reply with a simple "Nothing."

"You scare me… you really do. Yesterday you left crying your heart out and I thought I would never see you again, and today you are…" He says, until he stops abruptly, smiling as he realized what changed my mood so suddenly.

"She left right after you… So… she was following you… that means something very dirty happened… let my try… I know it!!! You had reconciliation sex yesterday!!!"

I don't need to answer; my grin is answer enough.

"Oh god… I'm good… Call me Holmes… Mark Holmes… But… wow… that means…?"

I nod slightly. "Yes… we are back together!" He hugs me happily.

"Thank god! It took long enough. Even Yang missed your perky relationship. We all missed you and your little happy – maker. But… does she remember?"

The most important question and I wished I could give him the right answer, but unfortunately there's nothing I can tell him happily now.

"No, she doesn't… but I'll tell her when I'm back… I'll head home and I'll tell her right away, because she needs to know so we can go on where we stopped. And maybe then… we can live the life we wanted…"

I say with one of those happy smiles of those happy people who believe in a perfect life without pain and sorrow. But I want it. I want a life with her so much, that I forget about my fears and instead believe in all the good things.

I believe in all the good things…

**My love, my love, my love **

**don't explain**

As I open the door I still wear the smile on my face, but I can sense something different. Usually the loud music is smashing, capturing my body when I'm entering the apartment and she sings along right before she's trying to drown out the music and reach my ears. But now there's nothing, but killing silence and then I see her in front of me. She's just sitting there on a chair, watching everywhere and nowhere at all and there's something else. A bag. A full bag.

"Ari?!" I ask, but she's not answering, she's even not really looking up.

"What's wrong, Ari?" And finally she stands up to face me. I can see her red and puffy eyes and I ask myself what happened. As always when see her smile and tense that something is wrong I walk up to her, because I want to protect her, I want to hold her and tell her everything is going to be fine. But this time she won't let me.

This time she's taking a step away from me and she is raising her arms to show me I have to stay away from her.

"Ari… what's wrong… please talk to me…"

I try everything, and my heart is pounding heavily in my chest, in a furious and bad way, a way that makes me to throw up, because I know there's something wrong. Something big, something that's breaking my heart and my back.

And then I suddenly hear her voice, as fragile as her body. Breaking me into two. It's just the beginning, but it's hurtful, because I know it's my fault. It's my entire fault and I can't do anything against it. I can't deny it, I can't lie, and I can't do anything to feel better. Because I destroyed the only thing that made me feels good, because I was scared, because I lied.

"I… I asked myself from the beginning why all the clothes matched me so perfectly…" She said and tears are leaving my eyes as they leaving hers.

"Ari… please… I can explain it… I really can… Just…"

"And I… I asked myself all the time how you knew all those things for example how I drink my coffee, how to soothe me and what I like the most… I thought it was luck… I thought you just knew… I never thought about that…" She sighed and filled her lungs with thick air, and how she breathes, with so much pain. I can't take it. I want to go to her, but she's stopping me again. Pushing me away from her and I never thought she would have such strength.

**There is nothing with me not to gain  
**

"Your Dad called…" She suddenly says and my eyes are widening.

"… he wants you to call him. Yeah, he is really worried, because you haven't told him about the hostage your girlfriend where involved in. Oh… wait… he wasn't the only one you haven't told anything…"

"Ari… please…"

Her voice is full of hurt and I can't bear the thought that it's my fault. It's my entire fault she stands there in front of me crying and I wish I could take her pain away with just one kiss.

"Why… why did you lie? Why didn't you tell the truth… Callie, why?"

**You know that I love you  
Look at what lovin' has done  
**

I want to answer her and with my reply I want to tell her everything I feel. But there are only a few sentences I bring out. I love her, she should know. She should see what my love to her has done. What I have done to her. Oh god I hate myself so much for hurting her.

"Ari… you have to believe me. It has never been my intension to hurt you. But when you woke up and you didn't remember my face or something else I didn't know what to do. I was scared you won't understand and realize it when I told you we were girlfriends. I was scared you won't survive this shock and you won't come back to me. I was scared about so many things and so I decided to be there for you and help you and maybe you would remember on your own… Ari… I wanted to tell you the whole time and I tried… I really tried, but it was so difficult… You don't know how much I regret what I did… But I tried to tell you this morning and then…"

I lay my heart out in front of her and I tell her the truth, but she interrupts me with sad eyes, blue eyes, hurt eyes.

I wish there would be something I could do and I'm shattering, because I caused all of this. I caused the pain when I told myself I'd never hurt her again. I promised myself I would be there for her and fix her, how she fixed me and how she was there for me. But what have I done? What has my love done to her?

"I don't want to hear it… I don't want to hear that you almost told me, Calliope… I don't want to hear any of that... because…" Her breaths heavily like she's not able to breathe anymore. "…because I guess you don't know how this is… you really don't understand…"

**All my thoughts were real and so sincere  
I was so completely yours  
you know, I hear folks cha-cha-chatter  
And I know you cheat**

(Arizona's pov)

I often hear people say, in reality or in movies or in songs and books; they wish they wouldn't remember anything. They say they want to forget anything in their life, at most the bad things.

People, who never lost their memories, say things like that. Human beings who had to deal with something like that would never say or think about it that way.

I want to remember and I need to remember.

I want to know everything.

I want to know about my first wrecked birthday party and about the first kiss I regretted, about fights with my parents, about tears I shared with friends and tears I had to deal with alone. I want to remember me loosing something important, being a looser in school and getting my first F. I want to remember my first break – up and arguments I had with my love. I want to remember everything and I want to feel the pain again. I would give everything away to feel the pain again, because after the pain the good things, the joy and the beauty are following.

I need to remember the first time I kissed Calliope and how I met her, how we fight about something maybe unimportant and how we talked it out. I want to remember the first time we slept with each other, confessing our love in such a beautiful and pure way. I want to remember each night she held me in her arms, each time I heard her voice.

But there's nothing. There's a dark hole and I guess no one really understands how this is feeling. It's horrible… It's breathe taking in a worse way and I can't believe what she did. I try to understand, but I can't. I can't even I try to. I gave her everything. My heart, my soul, my belief and my love, but she lied.

There's a feeling.

Betrayal.

I feel betrayed like she cheated on me, defrauded of the truth and it hurts. It hurts so much that I can't even look her in the eyes completely and as much I want to be with her and share my tears with her; as much as I want to survive this with her. I can't.

"You just had to tell me… You… just had… to tell…"

I don't want to say all those things and make it sound like reproaches, but I can't stop myself like she couldn't stop herself from hiding the truth. I'm too hurt to lie and hide how I feel.

"You don't know how it is to life in the dark and how terrifying it is not to know anything and then to realize everyone knew… Everyone… except of you… imagine that and you know how I feel, Calliope…I… I didn't know what happened to me… I didn't know anything… I…"

Tears are streaming down my face. Tears I share with her, but I can't anymore. I can't even look her in the eyes; even she is everything I want to look at.

But the knowledge that they know, her and everyone else, is a thought I can't take. And because of that I can't stay.

"Where do I live? I guess you know it?!"

I say in a bittersweet tone and the hurt expression on her face lets me know, that she is feeling just the same. Hurt is a feeling we both know oh so well.

I was completely hers. But now I'm nothing anymore.

**Right or wrong **

**right now doesn't matter**

"What?" Her voice is low, like it's broken.

"I want my keys. My keys to my house and my car… I want my keys to every thing… I want everything… You have them? Well we were girlfriends so I guess you have them…"

"Why do you want them? You… You don't need them, Arizona. You can stay here… please just stay…"

Her voice sounds broken.

Broken like mine.

"I don't want. I want my keys…" I say with every emphasis I have in my small and fragile body.

And there it is in her eyes, fading hope, as she walk to a shelve taking a bundle of keys I've never seen before in my life, walking up to me. And she gives them to me with shaking hands; her whole body is trembling, and as our hands are touching a slight moment I think about staying. I want to feel her again, but I couldn't like I shouldn't.

All I really want is leaving and hiding forever.

"Where do you want to go?" She asks anxious.

"I… I don't know… It doesn't really matter…"

"Arizona, that's not right… You shouldn't be doing this…"

"What I shouldn't do?? Let's better not talk about that, because wrong was what you did. But Right or wrong doesn't matter anymore… I just want to get out of here…"

**You're here with me, **

**sit down, **

**have a seat**

(Calliope's pov)

In my life I cried a lot.

I cried about monsters under my bed, about nightmares, about school, family, wrong friends.

I cried myself into sleep because of people cheating on me and leaving abruptly my life when I gave everything of mine away. I cried about a lot of things.

And I cry now, but for the first time I feel dirty and hurt like that, hurt by my own self. There are things I've done wrong and I've done a lot of mistakes.

I cry because I've hurt her deeply and that's something I can't forgive myself.

But I need to try. I need to make her stay, because without her all of this isn't worth it. It never has been.

"Please, Ari… sit down… have a seat… and let's talk… please just stay… I know what I did was wrong, I regret it… believe me… I regret it so much… but I know we can work through it… we worked through many things."

**It's your time to feel the pain  
It's your time to weep,**

**don't explain**

(Arizona's pov)

"Stop! Stop it… I don't want to hear it… because that's it… we worked through things I DON'T KNOW! YOU worked through things with someone I don't know. YOU worked through those things, not WE…"

It's the first time I scream. The first and the last time, because I can't stand the sound of my own voice. I try to stop the voices coming in, letting me know that I'm standing here in the room of my 'girlfriend', in the room of the woman I felt in love with within 11 days, in the room of someone I don't really know. I stand here, knowing my name, but nothing else. There are pictures, sticking in my head, old pain I feel again without even knowing what it was. I remember things. I remember what happened to me and it scares me away.

It's a shock I need to get over and I ask myself how all of this could happen.

All I want to do is hiding, never coming out of my own made hole again, because I feel like I can't face my real life, the pain. I need time to forget his face; I need time to forget what she did.

"I… I can't stay… I can't be with someone who lied to me, Calliope… I need time for myself… I guess I'll leave and go somewhere no one knows who I am, because I don't know myself, too… I can't be with someone who remembers anything, who knows how we first met and who remembers our first kiss and our first touch, our first night and our first fight… I can't be with you if I'm not remembering on my own…"

**Hush now, **

**Don't**** explain**

(Callie's pov)

"I… I could remember for both of us…" I say with a whisper and with my eyes I plead and beg her to say yes. I need her to stay, because I know I can do it better. I can change; I can make it worth for her to stay. I know I'm going to be able to make her remember, because I will tell her everything. Every single detail.

I will tell her all the things she wants to know, until she remembers on her own, until she tells me she still wants to share her life with me.

I'll be there when she remembers. Oh god, I will tell her everything.

"I… will show you how we first kissed and how we first met and I'll show you how we spent our first night together… I will show you everything…"

But she's not ready. She's can't do all of this, and even it hurts to see her grab her beg I understand.

"I have to go." She says and even I understand I don't want her to leave. It feels like if she's going to leave this room now it will end.

**There is nothing within me now to gain  
I'm gonna skip instead**

She's going, without saying a word and without looking at me, because her eyes are still filled with salty tears. But even she's not looking at me, I look at her all the way and I can't bear the thought of her leaving my apartment and so I grab for her hand and spin her around.

I don't let her go as she's standing in front of me, fighting with my hands and my whole body which is pressed against hers, but I'm strong. I'm too strong for her and I realize she doesn't really try to escape my touch after I'm looking her deeply in the eyes.

And I move forward to her trembling lips and I touch her skin firmly with my also trembling lips and I kiss her face, hover over her salty tears and I hear her sigh right before I kiss her tenderly.

I guess it's the tenderest and desperate kiss we ever shared, because both of our cheeks are wet and we are exhausted from all the crying. But with this kiss we share all the feelings that haunts us and I feel how she's dropping her beg and wrapping her arms around me instead.

I push her against my body and I try to get her as close as possible. Our lips are grazing each others and breathe gets something we both don't really need anymore. All I need is her and everything else gets something unimportant.

Electric rushes are filling my body, making my heart jump and I can't think of someone else making me feel like this, even it turns out to be an angry kiss, a battle of our mouths and our tongues.

With this kiss she shows me how much she wants me, but also how much I hurt her, but as I touch her hair and as I stroke her blond ocean firmly I want her to know what I would do for her.

And I hate it as our kiss stops and my lips are aching for hers. I need to be connected to her.

Never had I felt so pure about someone, about a kiss. It feels like her lips, she, was made for me. Mark always explains me that some things are to corny to be said, but I don't mind about it, as long as I can be corny about, with her.

But there it is, the same look printed on her face and she steps away. It's when I realize that this is goodbye.

It has been goodbye.

"When you go, I'll die…" I whisper more to myself than to her, but she looks at me in a way I can't interpret.

"I'm sorry… I… I can't…" Is the last thing before she's leaving me on my own.

**Don't explain**

And my screams are filling the raising night like my love screamed for her and my heart pleaded and begged her to come back. But she didn't.

She would never come back, because I destroyed it with one simple mistake.

**Don't explain**


	26. Like a mother

**Author's Note: **Thank you very much again, you are amazing readers I have to confess, hehe. Here's another Chapter with Arizona's pov and I feel like this story will be based more on Arizona for the next Chapters. I hope you like this and for sure I'll try to upload as soon as possible. Thanks for staying with me and helping me to develop this!! ;-)

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 26**

I know I can't say much about life itself because people would say, without remembering, how should I knew what's wrong and what is right. All my experiences are gone, I know, everything is gone, in a way. But somehow there are feelings emerging in my thoughts and I guess in life there are moments like that.

You can't explain a feeling and maybe you don't even 'know' it, but it explain itself by guiding your movements and actions.

And I feel lonely, more than I've ever felt in those 11 days; but it's a feeling, a very strong one, I felt before.

It makes me cry uncontrollable; it makes me sod hard, like the place in my chest where _she_ stayed will be destroyed.

I wanted to stay, for sure I wanted to be with her and I guess I even forgave her when I saw her crying, but everything seems so… wrong and I don't know if I'll be able to look her in the eyes again. Not now after what I've learned in such a hard way: Trust stands in connection with hurt and disappointment.

I just wish she wouldn't be a part of the learning. I wish she could be the one I'm walking to, crying and freezing on a evening like that, in a night like this, asking for her to take the pain away, sleeping in her arms again.

But instead I just left her behind, I left the apartment and the building where I lived for 11 days and I suppose a lot longer and I realize in a uncomfortable way that where she is I feel safe, like she was the one giving me the things I wanted and needed.

I really thought she would be the one never letting me down.

How naïve I've been…

After 20 minutes, just standing in front of the building she lives in, I place myself outside on a bench and I realize it has been the most stupid thing I could have done.

It's freezing cold and I don't know where to go, because hey I forgot, I don't know where I live. But it's not the only thing.

She's the reason I regret I left already 2 hours ago and I still can't stop crying. I feel worse without her than with her.

Sometimes I guess, you can't control your movements, and so I stand up and walk away from her, without money and without a place to go. Anyplace is better than staying at the same spot forever, looking up to the window of her apartment, thinking about what happened.

I would go back and I would work through this with her, because what I feel for her is strong, _oh_ so strong. But I don't want to see her cry or hear her explain everything to me, throwing her hands up into the air, waiting for me to look past through it.

But that's not how it's working. Life is a strange thing; at most when you are acting like a teenager, feeling like one, not knowing what the best is: following your heart or following your mind and your hurt.

So I start to walk, taking one foot in front of the other like a robot, again not knowing what to do.

I look at the bundle of keys that I kept in my hands the whole time, but I can't differ one of them.

Where the hell should I stay?

The answer is sticking in my head and I don't even know how I came to that solution, but I walk further on, but more with feet's which are not mine. There are following a lead, walking into a direction I've seen a lot of the past 11 days because of her and when I'm standing in front of the building I feel safe, somehow.

I enter the hospital without hesitating and walk through the corridors with my small beg as I've know where I have to go and that's it. I worked here and even I don't really remember I simply do with looking at the walls, the people, typical places I've been and suddenly I find myself in front of a door, catching a sign that seems so familiar to me.

_On – call room 6._

So I enter the room which smells abstractly. There are so many smells of many people sleeping in here, waiting for another shift to start and somewhere I can smell her. Somehow she's everywhere I'm going.

I'm looking around in the small room and suddenly tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop myself from crying out loud in despair. How can life feel like that? Why do I feel helpless like that? Why can't she be here with me? Why can't I forget?

I throw myself on one of those beds and I burry my face in one of those pillows. I try to free my mind from everything and I try to blind out the world around me, but I'm captured in a feeling and in a world I don't want to live. I want to turn back time and remember anything without needing someone else to tell me what happened. I want so many things right now, but nothing is happening around me. It still feels the same and I feel like I'm bursting.

And suddenly the door is opening and I hope it's her when I look up.

With every inch of my body I want her to be the one who is standing there, who was searching for me and who is trying to convince me that she is the one for me. That she's sorry, that she wants me back more than anything else.

And I guess… I would forgive her, because all the things I want her to say to me I'd say to her. I'd tell her that she's the one for me, that I want her more than anything else.

But when I look up I see someone else instead, looking at me concerned.

"Dr. Robbins… I mean… Arizona…"

It's a small afro American woman in blue clothes and shoulder long dark hair in front of me who looks like she just ended a long shift and I kind of remember her…

"Baileys…" I say with a whisper. She was one of my doctors; she was one of my colleagues.

But there's more than just being concerned as a doctor or as a colleague in her eyes.

It might sound strange if I'd tell her, but her look reminds me of something really familiar. It reminds me of the look of a mother and even she's just a few years older than I am I kind of fell a safety when she's standing there in front of me. A safety a child feels.

* * *

_(Bailey's pov)_

When I look into her blue eyes which looks just a little brighter and bluer like the depth of the ocean I feel concern rushing through my veins, like when I look at my own son after he had a nightmare and sits crying in his small bed in the night.

I know I never do things like that, because I'm a doctor who tries to avoid personal stuff while I'm working and I also try to avoid personal stuff after work, because I don't like to be involved in all their romances, affairs, relationships and crisis.

I hate it if they talk to me and I supposed I made it clearly enough I'm not the right to talk to, but somehow there's a sign printed on my forehead, blinking with neon letters, reading 'Seattle Grace Talk show host' on it?

Whatever I hated it through.

And another thing I didn't like from the beginning was the new head from the ped wing. She was new, kind of a newborn around here, and she was perky all the time. Furthermore she stole Torres mind and also her heart and I had enough drama going on her. I just didn't like her and I hated working with her, because every case we worked on together we fought over any decision one of us made.

But I think people can proof themselves and opinions can change.

And I realized that she's not the perky – not caring – person and doctor I thought when I found her after an operation we did on a small 6 years old boy.

It was the first time we didn't argue and the first time we were sure we both did the same thing and we would save his life. But then he died right under our hands and it was Arizona who kept on fighting. They looked at her with shock and disbelief, because none of them cared like her. Even I stopped because I knew it was too late, she kept on fighting, pleading for him to stay, begging god to let him go, but it was Dr. Sloane who dragged her away from the small boy and she was already crying.

When she rushed out of the OR with blood streamed hands I followed her, because I knew Torres was in the OR and she needed someone.

Usually I didn't care that lot. Usually I would have told Sloane to follow her or call someone else to check on her. Maybe it was my mother instinct she just freed, maybe it was compassion, I don't know.

However I followed her in one of the on call rooms and I've found her standing in front of the window crying. I said her name twice until she answered.

"He was innocently… Every one of them is… every time I look in their eyes my heart is aching and I ask myself why they have to spend their life, the beginning of their lives, in rooms like this. And why can't some of them ever leave them?" Her voice was trembling and she was standing there her arms wrapped around her own body like she wanted to protect herself from the pain and the realisation that he is gone and there are other children who will not be able to be saved.

"We can't answer those questions. We are doctors and we try everything we can to save them. We can't do anything else." I replied, even I was hardly satisfied with my own answer. It just doesn't make sense, but we still have to believe in all of that. In the sense and in destiny.

"You did everything you can…" I said and with that she spun around, raising up her voice. She was furiously like I've never seen her before.

"I didn't do everything I CAN! IF I had done, he would be ALIVE. He would be alive Dr. Bailey… he would be able to play football again like I promised him. We would visit the amusement park at Sunday together like I told him because we would celebrate his release… All I did was making promises I can't take and now I have to go to his parents and tell them I just killed their son! They will ask me what happened and I'll tell them exactly what happened. He died under my hands and that's not acceptable! I KILLED their son… I was the one who killed Jonathan and I AM responsible…"

As doctors and as strong personalities we should we able to get through someone's death. AS doctors we should concentrate on a case, without getting personally involved.

But I realized that's who she is and I started to care for her, because of that. No one would believe me when I tell them my secret, but I'm also crying sometimes when someone's dying. I still can't stop to care and because of that I understand what she is going through. Because of that I started to like her and I did something I never did.

I took another step into her direction and I wrapped my arms tightly around her.

"You didn't kill him, because you did all you could… You did all you could…" I said repeatedly and I wait for her to settle down again and there it is a whisper that made my heart ache. It's the truth, a truth that's revealing a part of her self.

"It's never getting better…" She whispered and I could feel how she's giving in, completely exhausted from all the feelings that came rushing down on her fragile and small body.

And I did something I do with my son each time he had a nightmare; I laid her onto one of those beds and I stood with her as she was falling asleep.

It's the presence that counts, not what you say or what you do. It's about letting someone know you will be there if he needs you and you still are there if he wakes up again.

And when she laid there with messy blond curls I stood up, walking to the OR to check if Torres is ready and as I saw her chatting with Sheppard about the operation they just did I walked up to her.

I told her what happened and I lead her to the on call room where she was lying and where she was still crying. And as Calliope entered the almost silent room full of concern, lying down on the bed, wrapping her arms protectively around her girlfriend, being there for her I closed the door with a smile and I felt like a mother who realized her child is now in good hands.

And as I'm looking her into the eyes now, that searching desperately for mine I feel like a mother again and I walk up to her as she starts to cry desperately after I asked a simply, but a wrong, question.

"What are you doing here?"

She answers with a desperation I never heard before coming from her lips

"I don't know… I really don't know…"

She cries out loud in despair and there I am, sitting at her side, holding her like a mother would hold her child and I weep her back and forward.

She's broken and no ones there to fix her.


	27. 2 days later

**Authors Note: **Hey my friends! Thank you so much… you don't know how grateful I am! Unfortunately I can't give you the release you are asking for right now, but I'll do my best… There will be another few Chapters and I hope you keep reading this until the end! I feel really good with your company!!! And because you asked and I don't want to ignore your wishes this will be split in Callie's AND Arizona's pov!

I hope you like it and I wish you a good day ;-)

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 27**

_(Arizona)_

I asked her to drive me home after staying in her arms what felt like hours and what I really like about her that she isn't speaking a single word.

When I cried my heart out she was there, but she wasn't saying anything until I settled down again. Then she finally asked if I really want to stay here the whole night and I told her I'd like to leave, but I can't without knowing where I live.

She offered me a ride and I couldn't say no. How should I? How could I?

I didn't want to stay here, not knowing if she was entering the room.

If I see Calliope, I wouldn't know what to say.

There has been a lot we both said and it's enough weight pulled on my shoulders on one day. So I nodded and asked her to drive me home.

And even I'm sitting beneath her right now she isn't saying a word and it feels good to stay in silence for a while, after my sobbing and my cries filled the room were we stayed a long time. I am glad she isn't asking, but anyhow I'm opening my mouth and words are leaving without asking for permission.

I guess sometimes it's better to share your feelings with others; even you are not sure how they will take it.

Sometimes it's necessary to open your mouth and let the words be. I would have exploded without telling her; and somehow she was looking in my direction anyway like she really cares about me and about the things that happened, and so I start to tell her all the things I need to say. Because… because she's the only one I really have left now.

"We fight…" I simply say and she's looking at me for a moment. Of course she knows of whom I'm talking. I'm sure she also knows that we were girlfriends. Everyone knows.

And there's another thing I like about her. She doesn't ask; she just sits with me in a comfortable silent as she's guiding her car to the place I live while I collect myself to talk.

"I know it might sound crazy… but… I was falling in love with her… within 11 days she captured my mind completely and there was nothing I could do about. I tried… I really tried to get her out of my mind and keep her away from my heart, but she just captured the sweetest feeling and I just couldn't stop myself from loving her. Even I thought it was wrong, I finally acted on my feelings, realizing it is the best and the most right thing to do… Follow your heart… and I… I was happy. _Super_ happy. I thought she was developing feelings for me too."

When I'm speaking I laugh bitterly at the thought of me being that naïve and Dr. Bailey is still listening, her eyes though never leaving the road.

"Then I found out that she was lying to me the whole time… WE were girlfriends… we spent our lives together in a way and she wasn't telling me a single thing… I just feel betrayed and I can't shake the feeling of her acting like that… I feel like I can't trust her and even I try to forget and forgive her I can't… I just can't forget what she did when I was almost going insane because I couldn't remember anything… It feels like she was holding the knife that is sticking now in my heart… I don't know if I can look her in the eyes ever again… Without remembering it's too hard to take and bear the thought of… her and me… before… that happened…"

"Just so you know… I don't do personal things, and as soon as you're going to remember and running back to her think of that. I DON'T do personal things…" She says in a strong voice and she puts all the emphasis in it she has left in her small body. As soon as those words left her mouth I feel guilty of telling her all those things without thinking of crossing a line. But then her voice is suddenly soft and clear as she's speaking further on.

"One thing I do know about Dr. Torres, beneath all the dirty little details and that she surprised me a lot lately is that she's in love with you. One thing I know about her is, that she has never acted around someone like that like she's doing it with you… I know her a long time now and I saw her going through one crisis after the other and breaking up or being left by people the past few years. I saw her crying and breaking down in the elevator and I never thought she would be able to love someone a long time, because she was broken. You see, there is one thing I DO know about her, and the thing is that you changed her. When you two got together I first thought there would be another crisis coming up soon. But you two proved that there's love outside there and everyone knows that. It's something special. A love that not bends in the wind and survives the storm, and believe me a love like this isn't just going to be over or fading away. She loves you and she made a mistake, BECAUSE she loves you. You should listen your heart. Do the right thing… before it's too late…"

I can see an expression in her eyes as she stops the car and as she's looking me into the eyes, like she knows how it is to lose love and I nod grateful.

But there's still something inside of me I need to get clear with, but I also realize that I want to work through this.

I… I want her… But I don't know if I can fight for it. I don't know if I can do the things I want. If I'm strong enough to forget when I'm feeling lost, not knowing and vulnerable like this. I can't, even if I want.

I thank her with my entire heart for everything and I smile underneath before I leave the car with the bag around my shoulders and the keys in my hands.

It's time to be a part of my old life again, I tell myself as she's leaving the place and I'm on my own again.

* * *

_(Callie)_

2 painful days has passed.

2 days in which I cried more than in a year.

I know that 2 days has passed, because the sun is coming up for the third time now, rising slowly in front of my window.

All I did those three days was lying in my bed, hugging the pillow she slept with tightly and I'm not letting it go. Instead I'm burying my whole face in it and I smell it. I take a smell and another one, again and again, for 2 days and 3 nights now, because it still smells like her. Even the bed sheets still smell like our love making and when I'm closing my eyes I feel her hands on my hips and her breathe on my shoulders.

But I know as soon as I'm opening my eyes she'll be gone again and so I stay in the same spot for hours, dreaming of her and the thing I destroyed.

I first stood up each time after I jolted awake because of the nightmares she was involved, after I heard her words and saw the pain in her eyes again in front of my inner eyes. Each time that happens I'm running to the bathroom pulling some fresh water into my hot and tears streamed face.

Afterwards I'm crawling back under the sheets again without eating and drinking.

I always thought it is pure stupidity when people are not eating because they are love sick. But now I understand all of them.

I can't eat and I can't drink, because all I think of is her and when I'm thinking of her I feel sick and my stomach is hurting badly like the butterflies are dying right there, sending a sorrowful and painful stroke through my veins, punishing me for the things that happened. And it's there right to do so.

I think about staying here forever, looking out of the windows, knowing when a new day is starting, counting the hours since she left.

I just don't feel worth enough doing something else. I live automatically, I follow my normal needs, but living is something else.

And suddenly the door is opening and I jolt up in my bed, but as soon as I hear the steps I let myself fall down again.

I hoped it would be her coming back to me, but it's not the way she's walking, not as bouncy like it and if it's her she would call out for me in a sweet or concerned way. But there's nothing like that. Instead the door is opening, lighting up the room more than I wanted it and there's his voice interrupting my thoughts.

"Callie?" I don't look up to see the concern in his eyes. Of course he is worried after I avoided calling him for 2 days now. Of course he is worried, because his best friend is staying in a bed, with the same clothes on for days, drowning in her own caused pain.

"What do you want here, Mark?" I murmur annoyed.

I want to be left alone, because I don't deserve anything else…

* * *

_(Arizona)_

When I first entered my apartment two days ago I felt strange being her all alone, walking around looking at the pictures at the wall, presenting me strangers, hoping I would remember. It's strange to stay in a place you don't feel home and I'm surprised that her home is feeling more home to me than my own and I realize it's because of her…

After all everything is fitting me very well. There are things every where around I like and it's just perfect. But there are things I just don't use.

As I'm entering the bathroom to shower there's the first proof that I didn't live her alone. Taking one of the shampoos which are standing on the shelve in my hands I'm taking a smell before I use it and it smells exactly like her hair and when I'm closing my eyes I can see her, feel her, smell her right in front of me, beneath me, right at my side. And it's killing me in a bittersweet way.

After I'm ready showering and drying my hair afterwards I place myself in front of the TV and I zap around, but there's nothing I can keep my attention on. Instead it's her body I'm searching for with my hands. I try to find her body, lying next to mine as I'm making myself comfortable on the couch. But I'm all alone here, left in an apartment I've first entered two days ago.

And suddenly the phone is ringing at 20 o clock in the evening and I shriek. What should I do? I don't know, but I can't just let it ring and so I take the call, simply answering the phone with a "Yes?"

"Oh god! I'm so happy I've finally reached you! I've already tried 3 days ago, because I was worried, because of you! You promised you would call me back after you were called in because of an emergency!" A voice starts to ramble and it's hard for me to listen, but it's harder to recognize the one who is talking to me.

I'm ashamed of myself, because the woman on the other line seems to know me very well, but I… I don't know her.

"Who are you?" I ask and then there's a very uncomfortable silence at the other line.

"Ari, hon… Am I talking to you?" There's the voice again I should recognize. I should, but I can't.

"I… I am sorry… I guess you are talking to Arizona you think you know… and I'm still the same… in a way… I know it's super complicated now, but… I guess I'm not the same…"

I'm stuttering nervously and then there's silence.

And then the explanation starts.


	28. The imagination of us

**Authors Note: **Wow… it's really strange to know that this will end soon… It's strange, because somehow this and you got a real big part of my life and I'll reaaaallly miss this. But there's another story out there I hope you'll like just as much as this. I hope you enjoy this and I appreciate your reviews, your feelings and your opinions a LOT! They never leave my mind!

Oh and by the way… there's another video out there I made for Callie/Arizona and I think it's a beautiful song which matches them good in a way… if you are interested watch out for: Arizona & Callie - Clear Blue Day ( Amy Jo Johnson).wmv

Hope you all have a nice week!!!;-)

**-Sun**

* * *

**Chapter 28**

_(Arizona)_

14 days long I was an orphan and yesterday evening I've found my mother again in a way no one wants to be found.

She called me, because she was worried and I had to tell her: "Hey it's your legitimately right to worry… Well… I've been in hostage and shot twice as I've found out 3 days ago and because of that incident I can't remember anything, not even my own parents or where I came from. Oh and…. It's great I've found you, Mom!!!"

Not a good way to tell your mother everything is fine and she shouldn't worry, because after I told her the things I remembered she started really to worry, just like a mother do.

And even I didn't know her very well we talked for hours; talked about it, talked through it, until it was in the middle of the night, but it felt good to hear her, it felt good to hear a familiar voice. It was good to listen to her stories and it felt so good to remember things… in a way.

Everything's a little bit lighter instead of a dark hole with no place to escape.

But the night wasn't as peaceful as it hoped.

It was full of her face In front of my close eyes. I shifted in my sleep and I instinctive reached out for her warm body. But she wasn't there. She was nowhere, but in my heart and in my restless and hopeless thoughts.

I started the morning with taking a shower, eating and drinking mechanical and now I'm sitting here, on the edge of my bed and I'm looking around.

I've packed everything I need, and even I feel like I'm ready to go, even I want to follow her request to find myself finally again I can't leave without doing something.

I hold those keys in my hands again and there is one for my car, my apartment and one for my parents house Mom told me yesterday night, but there are two left and it feels like I find the answer at the hospital.

I once worked there.

I was part of a hospital, of a team, and as I've found out I was the head of peds surgery.

I spent a lot of time there and I hope I'll find something there.

Maybe something I've to deal with before I leave.

And maybe, deep down inside, I hope I'm going to find Calliope.

* * *

_(Callie)_

"What do you want here?" I ask him completely annoyed, because I know what he is going to try: Complaining and telling me what I'm doing is wrong. Something I already know, but there's nothing I can do about. Whenever I'm thinking of her I want to hide in here, forever.

"Well… I'm your best friend; you look like someone who is deliquescing in self – pity and you are absolutely looking like someone who just gave up and left her guts days ago and that's really not the bad ass Ortho I know."

I look away and hide my face in my Arizona – smelling - so – good – pillow, because I don't want to hear all of those things. I don't think he understands what's really going on, what I've done.

What I've done was misleading the story, destroying it and letting her go; I was the one who made her leave. But he doesn't stop, he's continuing, trying to let me see what's obviously, what he is seeing: There's hope. There has to be…

"Fight, Callie, Fight… You have to fight, Callie… And that's what you are going to do. You love her and she's the first person who hasn't betrayed you or left you without saying a word. She is the first person who loves and adores you and she is the first one who fixed you and oh no; you won't let her go, because you are ashamed. You won't stay here, because when she's gone I can't be here to satisfy your sex addiction, because I'm in a relationship now… You see, there is no way you are letting her go, cause I know what you are without her, Callie. You need her and she needs you. And because of that you are going to stand up now, take a shower and furthermore we need you in the hospital. You will go to work today, because the chief is already mad and there are a lot of broken bones to fix. The right thing before you are walking to her apartment, begging her to forgive you and work things out with her. Any other questions?"

As I look in his eyes I can't describe the feeling that's rushing through my veins.

It feels like luck and realisation, realizing how true the things are he said. And there's raising hope, because I want to think of her with a big fat smile plastered on my face. I want to think about the good times, the nights, we shared in a good way, knowing there will be other nights and other days I'm going to call her mine. I wouldn't be the same without her, because she revealed me who I am, and of course I wouldn't be the Callie everyone knew when I would let her go without trying, without fighting.

"Yeah… I have another question…" I say and he looks really annoyed.

"Callie… don't say something wrong. I prepared this speech with the others. You didn't know how long it took to memorize each word exactly."

I laugh out loud, smiling for the first time in days, because I know I'll win her back. I will have to win her back.

"Could you go back to the hospital and tell the chief I'm there in 20 minutes?" I ask and then a smile is crossing his face.

"Let's get this done…" he says brightly before he is leaving me alone again and I know I'll prove her my love. I'll do anything to make her mine again.

* * *

_(Arizona)_

Driving through a city you've barely seen but you recognize is far away from the things you want to experience.

At the moment my whole life is far away from a life someone would like to live.

But the worse thing is not to know what to do, because I can't differ between right or wrong, between good and bad, between the right things to do and doing a mistake you can't just pray away after doing it.

Which way should I go? Which way am I going? And how am I able to decide to leave when my heart is telling me something else?

But on the other hand I need to hide away to sort things out or… maybe… I'm leaving this place forever… Maybe all of this happened to show me something was wrong before. Maybe it was my second chance, maybe it is my second chance now to change the way I'm living. To change everything.

Finally the car stops and I step out, handing 10 dollar to the taxi driver and wave a friendly goodbye.

And it's completely awning.

It is awning and super weird, to walk into a building, seeing faces you have seen before, recognizing voices and glances. It's scary how much they seem to stare at me like I'm a ghost and somehow I really am. I am strange to them like they are to me.

Aren't we all strangers?

I know the corridors, but I'm not quiet sure where to go and so I ask one of the nurses at the reception where my personal office is.

The old woman is frowning, until she seems to remember something important for example to who she's talking, to which Arizona. She remembers something I can't forget: I'm a guest here, a stranger, searching for answers.

And then finally she's answering me with a fake smile: "Of course Dr… Robbins… follow me…"

She's leading me to the elevators, and everything feels strange, but it's not the hospital, or the fact that even the woman in front of me knows more about me than I do… It's an intense feeling as I'm standing in the small room, closing my eyes as its moving upstairs.

Another presence is lingering here, founding its place beneath me and I smell her scent. But as I'm opening my eyes the familiar smell is already gone, but a sudden smile is gracing me face.

We leave the elevator again, rushing from one corridor through the other and every thing around me is moving so fast, eyes observing me, intermingling with mine. Faces entering and leaving my mind within seconds and this familiar scent is everywhere.

Everything happens so fast while I'm moving in slow motion. I wish this would end and I could be normal again, how ever I normally was…

And finally I'm standing in front of a door revealing those letters, saying my name and I thank her, before I'm pulling out my keys to open the door with shaking hands.

* * *

_(Callie)_

It feels good to be here again.

It feels good to see old faces, the people who exactly know who you are.

I even leave the chiefs office with a smile after he screamed at me for staying away from work for two days right before he said sorry, because he knew it has to be hard for me, like it's hard for the hospital to loose such a good doctor.

But I corrected him. No one has lost anything, not yet… and so I walk around, greeting my patients and my working mates and it feels good to have a part of your life back.

But there's still something missing and it's the bigger, the important part of who I am, how my life is and I want my old life and my old self back; the one I was when she was around.

The only thing that's really missing is her around, hearing her bouncy steps, watching her looking hot, even in a navy blue scrub pant and scrub top.

I miss her scent that even force out the hard and obstructive hospital tang.

I miss her arms sneaking around my waist so suddenly I shriek, but I immediately lean back and give in her comfortable touch.

And I love it when she does that and I love it when she sneaks downstairs, because she wants to see me, to kiss my neck softly, caress my chin.

And I love it when she's whispering the words "I've missed you…" into my ears right before she's kissing my lips no matter who is around and who is probably watching us.

And I love that… how she's showing me her affection for me and how it doesn't matter where we are. She kisses me whenever she wants, whenever she needs.

And I love those brief moments with her, no matter how short it is, most important is that I see her.

A sad smile is crossing my face, because I don't even know what she is doing right now… and I wish I would know…

* * *

_(Arizona)_

The room exactly looks like my apartment. As tidy as it and as messy as mine in it's personal way.

There are books and files everywhere and a comfortable couch right beneath my desk and the chair I used to sit in.

But the most magnificent thing in this room are the amount of pictures plastered on the wall, gracing the place I worked in and I walk further on to the wall, touching the faint surface of the beautiful pictures painted by children hands, made by their love, their affection and their fantasy and I take in, absorbing every detail I see.

There are trees and cats or dogs.

There are houses and the ocean or the nature and flowers.

There are tiny bodies with their parents, siblings, and there I am too, smiling brightly like each of them.

And finally I reach a picture with another woman printed on it… dark long beautiful hair, her smile as bright as mine and her hands… her hands are locked with mine tightly.

A beautiful feeling interrupts my thoughts, rushing through my body and I can't stop myself from touching the place where her face is drawn and I smile. I smile because I think of her beautiful smile, of her beauty… of her face and of her touch.

But it's a sad smile I'm smiling, because when I entered the hospital I already knew this might be the last time I see all of this. I already knew deep inside of my heart what I was going to do. I already decided, even I also regretted. But I know I need to do it…

As I walk to my desk, recognizing a picture frame, revealing me a part of my past I know what to do if it's right or wrong.

Maybe I have to start with my past, with my childhood, where I'm coming from to know who I am now, to be able to remember what happened here.

Maybe then I'll be able to forgive… Maybe not… I don't know…

But as I close my eyes I smell the vanilla cinnamon scent again and I know black is the colour of my true lover's hair…

Am I really able to leave this entire, to leave her behind to start a journey I might never come back again from?

* * *

_(Callie)_

After 3 hours staying in the OR I'm already to leave the room again. I came here after I got paged 911 and I rushed through the corridors to come early enough to do my job and it felt amazing to be able to help. It's right what she is saying all the time… Our job is the most hurtful and the most terrific job.

It's the most powerful feeling in the world and somehow it gives me the power to believe that this day is going to be a good day. It's going to end well, because in a few hours I will leave to show her that I love her. To show her what I did was the worse thing I've ever done, but I did it out of love and I won't give us up. I just can't.

"Callie!!!" I spin around and recognize Mark who is trying to catch up with me with an expression on his face I can't read.

First when I saw him I thought he was running after me to talk about my 'Winning Arizona back' mission, but now as he's standing there breathlessly I catch a hint of worry in his eyes.

"What's going on?"

"She's… She's here!"

I almost ask who he means, but my eyes are open wide as realisation hits me hard.

"Where?" I ask with a shaky voice.

"In her office…" I nod grateful before I rush through the corridors again.

Minutes later I'm in front of the door I pushed open so often to see her and doing things on her comfy couch you shouldn't do while working and I see her standing there with her back to the door.

I'm moveless, but my heart is pounding so heavily in my chest my whole body s somehow shaking.

I want to go in and talk to her now, tell her the things I wanted for the past 2 days, but I hesitate, because I remember something.

A time months ago when we barely knew each other like now.

Months ago I stood at the same spot.

After she kissed me, after she captured my mind, I knew I'd have to give it a try.

I was attracted to her more than I was to someone before and I believed it would be worth to try even I was scared. But this could be something more than a kiss in a dirty bathroom at Joe's that never left my mind.

But after she pushed me away and I was so stupid to go to her and confess her that I want to give it a try in the most stupid way while she had a date with someone else I hide away from her as good as possible.

But there was a feeling deep inside my heart, a longing I couldn't shake.

And so I walked through the corridor where her office was and I watched her through the small windows while she was working, bowing over one of her files, working through books to help her patients.

I watched how she cared and how she desperately rubbed her temples when she was overworked again and I wished I could massage her, talk to her, be with her, help her, let her know how much I was truly aching for her.

I watched her sleeping when she laid there on her couch.

I watched her and the more I watched her the more I want to be with her, the more I want to give it a try and the more I want to show her that I was worth it.

That the imagination of us was all worth it.

And that's what I want to do now too.

So I open the door and lay my heart on a card.

I lay my heart on a coin and ask "her head or digit" and as I step in she spins around looking at me with her eyes and her mouth wide open.

"Hey Ari…" I say and she is barely smiling as she is throwing a simple reply into my direction.

"Hey…"


	29. I turn back time

**Authors Note:**

You know what's funny? I never thought about writing so much. I thought about writing 5 or 6 Chapters and now I'm writing Chapter 29. It's an amazing feeling and I have to thank you a lot for your replies and your reaction on this.

And I really have to thank now someone special of you guys. Thanks to _LoveAZ_ who gave me a GREAT idea. You have to thank her, because now, if you want, I'm thinking of doing a sequel afterwards. Just let me know!

I know you want it to 'end' but this is a short Chapter, leading to something bigger!

And oh wow… have you seen these great spoilers?? I can't wait for tonight =) *hart pounding heavily in my chest*

.com/callie_

The Song is by Noel Pix and it's german. I translated it because I think it just fits perfectly…

Handkerchief already to your hand…?

Hope your day is better than mine

-Sun

* * *

**Chapter 29 – I turn back time**

(_Callie_)

**Are you able to tell me,**

**Are you able to tell me what the truth is?**

**I can bear it,**

**Because you're the most important thing in my life.**

**We have to talk**

**And realize how what the way out is.**

**I'm able to forgive.**

**But I know you just can't.**

I thought loving someone means being able to know what to say all the time.

I thought it's about sharing your feeling in the most beautiful way: with words.

But with her words is something unnecessary.

We use words but we also use glances and expressions to communicate. We use touches and tenderness to tell each other what exactly is going on our mind and how we felt.

It is something… it was something I loved about us, because I knew when no one was realizing how I felt she was coming up to me and she just needed one look into my eyes to see that my smile is a pure fake, hiding my true emotions.

She was the one I gave the keys to my soul and she has kept them, even she doesn't know I gave it to her once.

just wished she could remember this; to look into the deepest part of my soul were I already prepared a speech, the speech of my heart, because my whole body is shaking and I'm scared no word is leaving my mouth.

And that's what happening right now as I'm standing in front of her, taking her beautiful features in I missed the last few days.

**And ****I turn back time**

**And we start at the beginning**

**Each moment**

**Is really worth it**

**I turn back time**

**And I really believe in it.**

**Because at the moment**

**We don't feel good.**

I don't want her to be a ghost, an imagination, a dream, and memories of mine.

I want her to be a real part of my life again.

I want to sneak my arms around her body while I'm sleeping and I want to bury my head in her coconut – milk hair smelling her scent all night long.

I want to see her face when I'm waking up in the morning and I want to thank god each morning I see her in front of me that she's mine again.

I want to tell her all of those things, but no word is leaving my mouth, because I'm too scared to say something wrong right in the beginning of my 'winning her back' conversation.

"How are you…?" I ask like one of those nervous school girls talking to their secret love and I regret what I said… not really a good way to start a conversation who should lead to something serious and she's also frowning. I guess she excepted something else of me to say. But here we go.

"It's alright… You?" She says, but her eyes tell me the truth. She is far away from being alright; just like me.

"Yeah, too… and what are you doing here?" _Super_ way to lead the conversation into a matter of the heart.

"I was looking for something, before I'm going…" She says honestly and I nod slightly without asking further on what she was saying, instead I have finally the courage to speak up, letting her know what I feel and what I think.

**I can hear them,**

**But I don't think it's concerning them.**

**I could swear **

**They never thought it could happen to us**

**I just want to know**

**If you think the same what I think for a long time**

**I'm going to miss you**

**Because you turn my life into the right way**

"Arizona… listen to me… I… I need you to know something… What I did was wrong… I know… I really do and I hate myself for doing this to you… Believe me… I'd love to turn back time but I… I can't and I… I need you to…" I start and she listens strongly, looking at me with sad eyes and before I can finish what I want to say she's disturbing me.

And there she's standing, abruptly raising her voice with tears welling up in her ocean blue eyes. Tears that make her eyes look crystal blue.

"I'm going to leave…" She says and I don't quiet catch the meaning of those words leaving her mouth.

"Oh… okay… Could I… May I come to your apartment later…? I think we really need to talk, Ari…"

I say but she's shaking her head furiously with tears already leaving her eyes, dropping onto the ground and I ask myself what I said, what I did to make her cry now and immediately I want to rush to her side and take her into my embrace, caressing her hair and her cheek with my hands like she did when I was crying my heart out over my dad who disappointed me

In such a hurtful way…

**I turn back time**

**And we start at the beginning**

**Each moment**

**Is really worth it**

**I turn back time**

**And I really believe in it.**

**Because at the moment**

**We don't feel good.**

"No… Calliope…" My name in her mouth, but sounding so painful, makes my heart ache.

There have been so many times she called me by my name.

There have been times when she said my name full of love, desire, anticipation, while she laughed or while she kissed me, while he reached out for me in bed, while she moans my name, hushed it, and whispered it into my ear.

She screamed it when we had a fight over something and she murmured it to wake me up in the morning, she wrote my name with a heart over the 'I' and she spoke it in a sweet tone.

I heard so many ways of my name and she was the only one who could make me feel that high with just saying my name.

But this time it's breaking my heart, because my name is sounding like the forerunner of something bad following and I don't want to listen to the words that rushes out of her mouth, finding their way right into my heart, leaving a mark on it.

"You… you don't understand… I'm leaving..."

"Wha… What?"

"I'm going to leave Seattle…"

She says, looking me directly in the eyes and even her eyes look kind of sad her voice is strong and determinant like nothing could make her change her mind. Not even the woman she spend a night with and I ask myself how this could happen to us.

How could she ever think about leaving?

How could I ever lie to her about us?

How could she ever leave this place and her patients?

How could she ever change like this?

I look her in the eyes with disbelief… She can't be seriously. It has to be a joke. It has to be a bad nightmare from which I'm waking up with her voice saying my name in a sweet tone, explaining to me that she never forgets and that I never made the most stupid mistake in my life.

"No… what… wait… Arizona you have to be wrong. You can't leave Seattle. You can't leave the hospital and your patients. You CAN'T leave ME! They need you… I need you…"

"I'm sorry… but I need to do this now, Calliope… Just try to understand…" She's walking up to me, locking her hands with mine; tears are falling down on our firmly touching hands.

And I grab them harder than I should, but I don't care…

**I turn back time**

**And we start at the beginning**

**Each moment**

**Is really worth it**

**I turn back time**

**And I really believe in it.**

**Because at the moment**

**We don't feel good.**

"Where are you going?" I ask her without looking her into the eyes… I can't bear the thought of her telling the truth. I am scared to be able to read it in her eyes. That her love for me isn't strong enough…

"My mother called… she invited me over… I'll go home, Calliope…"

"But… but… what's with us…" I start to cry like a baby and my sobs are filling the tensed air. Please, oh god… let it be a dream… I would give everything; I would give my soul away and spend the rest of my days in hell just to be with her again.

"I… I don't know… I really don't…"

"When are you coming back..."

"I'm not sure… Maybe in a few weeks… maybe in a month or two… maybe…" She doesn't need to finish her sentences, because I know what she is talking about. _Never_… Maybe she's never coming back…

I nod, but I can't let her go so simply and because of that I lock her lips with mine, tasting our tears in our mouths, tasting her a last time and the kiss is all I have to give to her. This kiss tells her everything she needs to know and desperately I want it to last forever.

I don't need to breathe and I don't need to talk.

I just need to feel her lips on mine and her arms behind my back, but as soon as breathe gets a problem we tear apart our heads leaning against each others.

"Please… Pl…ease… don't leave me…" I touch her head, slung my hands around it and I smell her, the urge to kiss her is unbearable and I want to pull her in for another kiss, but she's freeing herself…

"I… I can't… I have to go now…"

She whispers, before she takes another step away from me, speaking out words that never leavening my mind. She looks me a last time into the eyes with an expression of hurt printed on her face like a drawn picture.

"Goodbye Calliope…"

I hold myself together, but as she's closing the door behind me and I break down on the place where she stood seconds before.

And I'm shattering into pieces right where she stood seconds ago.

And I want to throw up after she left.

I want to die, because I don't believe a human being can take a pain like that, capturing my whole body.

**I turn back time**

**And we start at the beginning**

**Each moment**

**Is really worth it**

**I turn back time**

**And I really believe in it.**

**Because at the moment**

**We don't feel good.**


	30. Orange Sky

**Authors Note: **I almost cry at the thought that this is going to end soon, but it feels so good to have you with me. I write it in Arizona's pov and the part between is in third person narrator. Forgive me that most of the parts are just speech. But I did it like I thought she would remember… there are just a few sweet scenes I wanted to bring in and I hope you like it. Thank you so much!

The song is Alexi Murdoch – Orange sky

A real beautiful song!

-Sun

**Chapter 30 – Orange sky**

How can something be right and good if it feels so wrong?

How can I leave when all I want to do is to stay?

I don't understand this, but maybe it's something I have to do.

My mother told me that maybe the only way to find myself again is leaving this place and my old life behind.

I suppose parents always know what to say, but it's not feeling right. Instead it feels completely wrong…

Would I walk through the corridors, crying, being numb inside without her, if it were the right and only thing to do?

I don't know…

**Well I had a dream  
I stood beneath an orange sky **

The only thing I know is that she already booked a flight for me and I already packed my bags. I already decided, but now I think I was going to fast, to quick, to far away and I guess sometimes you just can't turn back and change your decision.

Maybe I have to do this…

Maybe my mother is right and it's the only possible way…

And maybe, someday, I'll be able to work again. Maybe I'll be able to come back… Maybe I'll be able to forgive her…

And just a few moments later I'm ready to do the final step.

I know I am, because it's a missing piece, something that needs to be revealed just like the place where I was working once.

And even everything is still a mystery to me and it's still a dark shade of grey, I know now what it was like, how much joy I could bring… How much joy I once brought…

I know a part of my life now just by using a key.

**  
Yes I had a dream  
I stood beneath an orange sky  
**

And even I'm using I'm ready to use the last one I'm also scared, because it's my last action here in Seattle and I don't know yet if Goodbye brings me my perdition or my salvation and that's super scary…

But I guess it's just the way life is working and I have to follow the line.

Finally, after I searched for the small locker, walking around in this room I can read the letters of my name, telling me for what I searched the whole time and telling me for what the metal object in my hands is.

With the same shaking hands as I opened the door to my office I open the locker and I smile slightly as I see what's hiding in there all the time.

It looks exactly like my office. The walls full of drawn pictures; but this time there are pictures with her face and her smile catching my look, entering my thoughts immediately.

And there's a woman beside her… hugging her, laughing with her, smiling brightly full of joy and passion, holding her close… also kissing her in the sweetest way.

And that girl is me.

I was the girl who held, kissed, talked to her and laughed with her in so many different occasions, at so many places, in so many times and when I look at these pictures, revealing me obvious happy times, tears are welling up in my eyes and I realize what I'm going to leave back. I'm going to leave back what I want the most. I'm going to leave back what I want to remember so badly and I need to look away immediately before I start to cry.

And there are other things; alternative clothes, I guess, shoes, navy blue scrub clothes; there are even books and children games, even a lot of different coloured lollipops. But there's one single thing that catches my attention completely.

It's a red envelope and I grab for it, already smelling a familiar scent and I sit down on one of the benches still holding the small object in my hands and I ask myself what is it, because a simple letter wouldn't be as heavily as this is and I open it slowly, revealing me a letter and pictures. A lot of pictures and I go through each of them….

And there she is… again… a million times… with me at her side and I see us kissing, a lot, touching each other in the sweetest way and I want to forgive her so much and I want and need to remember all of that. I don't want to look at them and ask myself how they were taken… and where and when and how…

I want to remember how it felt when I laid in her arms, knowing what happened the day before, the last few days, the previous month.

I already cry as I open the small object in my hands, and even I'm afraid of the pain I know I need to get through this before I can leave.

And as I read the curvy letters the tears doesn't seem to stop.

**With my lover standing by  
With my lover standing by  
I said**** baby, you know you know  
It's a long road we've been walking on  
**

"_My love,_

_Last night when my shift ended and I saw you smiling at me, looking me directly in the eyes as you were heeling to one of your patients who waited for his perky good-night- story and last night when I stayed in my bed alone, because you had to work I realized something important… With the work we are doing each day exhaustion is a real and every-day-part of our life. It's not really hard for me to go to sleep and usually I'm happy to find finally some rest. And I never needed something, but last night I realized that what I need is you. _

_I need you to drift of to sleep, sneak into my arms while you sleep or when your shift ended in the middle of the night. I need to feel your breathe on my skin each night and I need to know you're at my side when I'm waking up. I realized that I need you to be able to breathe, live and be happy. __I need you more than anything else and I'm sorry for hurting you in the past… I hope you know I never meant to hurt you… It just wasn't easy for me to change who I was before and sometimes I can't show you what I'm really feeling… but with you I learned so much and I changed and I'm willed to do that, because I love it how you changed me._

_And hey, at least, I'm a part of 'Writing a corny love letter' – people now… something I never did before… You just make me happy, Arizona. You make me really happy and just want to say what I realized last night while I ached to hold you in my arms and smell your scent. _

_I want to be together with you for the rest of my life._

_I love you_

_Calliope._

_(something you brought out of me, too… liking my name)"_

Reading the letter was hard through the haze of tears streaming down my cheeks, but I understand, I felt each word and it felt terrific, because it felt like she was saying those words to me and not to the woman she once loved, the woman I one was and suddenly something strange and scary happened. But I felt too weak to call out for help as my breathe hitched and my whole body was shaking slightly as everything turned black like I was fading out.

The only thing I could do was grabbing for the bench I sit on immediately, still holding the letter in my hand.

And I feel like I am passing out while I'm taken away into another world revealing me what my heart ached to know for so long… the past.

* * *

**brother****, you know it is you know it is  
Such a long road we've been walking on  
**

_She has always been one of the few good pupils. She wasn't just smart and clever, she was hard-working, willed to learn and she never had a problem with attention or concentration. Instead she loved to listen or answering questions._

_She was good in science and maths and literature, but even in her not so good subjects, the so called 'worse' subjects she wasn't bad either. The teacher fortified her and she liked to go to school… She did once._

_Everything changed once when she met Nancy, a 17 year old girl with red long hair and magnificent green eyes, bringing fun and affection into her life._

_The first time she met her was when she was 15, going to a party with her friends and even she wasn't quiet sure to go there she started to like it when Nancy crossed her way, starting to talk to her after flirting with her eyes. And of course she was flirting with her; almost furiously as her life depended on it and at the end of the evening they were standing in front of the building kissing each other. And she kissed her the next day again and the day after and she really liked to kiss her a lot. _

_From this moment she called Nancy her girlfriend, her first girlfriend and even her first real love, even she realized she is more attracted to girls than to boys it took time to accept it completely. When she was six she kissed the first girl, her best friend Liza, while they were building sand castles and even it was just a peck on the lips it never left her mind and so Nancy never left her mind. And obviously she never left her side either._

_She started to drink and smoke and she went to one party after the other, she stayed at Nancy's place under the week and sometimes she even pretend to feel sick so she could hang out with Nancy the whole day. Nancy was the one who showed her how life could truly be; filled with fun, non stops and no rules. She revealed her a world without the need to be measured by being smart, well – behaved and no – rule – breaking. _

_But she also revealed her a world filled with immeasurable pain and __betrayal._

_Arizona couldn't say that she loved her, but she cared and she had strong feelings for the older girl. She was somehow addicted and all she earned were bad marks, a lot of bother from school and her parents and a lot of big fights and a lot of pain. _

_Nancy was the reason why she sat on a swing watching the sun settling down, filling the air with a slight shade of orange while she cried silent tears._

_She never felt that alone before, but suddenly she heard someone behind her, walking up to the free swing at her side and she didn't even need to look around to know who it was. She already knew it, because he was the only one who knew where she hides whenever she felt pure sadness rushing through her veins._

"_You quiet shocked them…" he finally said, after they sat in silence for a while._

"_I know… and I'm… I'm… you know…"_

"_I know…"_

_Again silence filling the air, because she didn't know what to say to him. Her parents weren't the only way she hurted the last time while Nancy blew her mind completely and even she regretted all the things she said to them she couldn't stop herself from saying all those nasty things, right before she fled in the park where she used to come with him, who was now here too._

"_Did they send you here to get me?"_

_He's shaking his head, before he answers. _

"_No… I want to be here… what doesn't mean that they aren't worried, Zona…. They are really worried…." He says looking at her directly, but she couldn't look back at him, look him in the eyes, because too much pain was hiding in them, too much shame._

"_Zona… what's going on? What happened? What's wrong with you… you know I never judged you… You're my baby sister…"_

_The first time in days she spoke up, letting words she kept in the darkest and deepest part of her heart and her soul walking out of her mouth, building sentences to reveal her secret, her pain. _

"_Nancy… she betrayed me… we were… girlfriends…" She finally said and she wated for him to gulp hard, but instead he smiled sadly, standing up to take her into his arms; and as he hold her and stroke her hand she was finally able to calm down._

"_I knew…"_

"_What?"_

"_You're my baby sister… of course I know… but… I'm sorry she broke your heart… I can feel your pain just by looking into your eyes… but believe me… someday you'll find someone else. Someone who deserves you and someone you deserve… and then I'll come and say 'hey, I told you once!' and you'll be happy… more than ever before. But until then your heart needs to be broken to be fixed by the one you love…" He said in a soft voice and even she was scared she could never smile again he was right._

_Years later she found someone. Someone who made her belief. Someone she loved more than life itself._

**And I had a dream  
I stood beneath an orange sky  
With my lover standing by  
**

"_People talk. Where we work. They talk. A lot. So, for the sake of being honest, I think I should tell you that… I know things about you, because people talk…"_

_  
"Oh, you mean…" She nodded furiously, smiling, hoping she would understand soon._

"_Terrific…"_

_  
"It is, actually, the talk. People really like you over there. They respect you, and they're concerned, and they're interested. They really like you. Some of them __really__ like you. You- You just look upset, and I thought that you should know that the talk is good, and when you're not upset, when you're over being upset, there will be people lining up for you."  
_

"_You wanna give me some names?"_

_She didn't even know if it was the right thing to do. But all she could think about was her beauty, her full lips and the tears that left her eyes just a few seconds ago. And all she could think about was kissing her and taking her pain away…_

_And all she did was kissing her._

_  
__"I think you'll know."_

_And with that and a simple smile she left._

**With my lover standing by  
I said Baby, here is what I know now  
Here is what I know now  
Goes like this.. **

"_Hey, you okay?"_

_  
"Tell me I'm great."_

_  
"What?"_

_  
"I need for you to tell me that I'm great."_

_  
__**"**__You're… great."  
_

"_I mean, really tell me. Cause I'm about to go in on a surgery right now that I'm not sure I should be going in on, and I can't think like that right? I can't go into the OR feeling like… this. So, I need you to tell me I'm great… and make me hear it."_

_  
"You are great. You. Are. Great." And she said it with all the love and honest she had in her body. _

"_Thank you."_

**In your love, my salvation lies  
**

"_Most people think that I was named for the state, but it's not true. I was named for a battleship -- the "USS Arizona". My grandfather was serving on the Arizona when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and he saved...19 men before he drowned. Pretty much everything my father did his whole life was about honoring that sacrifice. I was raised to be a good man in a storm...raised to love my country...love my family and protect the things I love. When my father, Colonel Daniel Robbins of the United States Marine Corps, heard that I was a lesbian, he said he only had one question. I was prepared for __"How fast can you get the hell out of my house?"__. But instead, it was...__"Are you still who I raised you to be?"__. My father believes in country the way that you believe in God. And my father is not a man who bends, but he bent for me because I'm his daughter. I'm a good man in a storm. I love your daughter, and I protect the things I love. Not that I need to. She doesn't need it. She's strong and caring...and honorable. __And she's who you raised her to be."_

**In your love, my salvation lies  
**

"_I want you… I want you tonight…" Arizona said in a low husky voice. _

_Callie looked up in her eyes, never breaking the contact. _

"_You do?" Arizona nodded with the hint of a smile developing the dimples she loved the most. _

_Callie knew how exhausted she was and that she was usually very tired after a day like that. Usually she was lying down, asking for Callie to lay down with her to hold her through the night, but now her voice and her eyes were full o passion for the other girl._

_Arizona's action was enough for Callie understand she really did. Her hands worked with her shirt, and she couldn't wait to expose her naked and beautiful skin and it only took a few seconds until Callie's shirt dropped on the ground._

"_I really do…" She whispered in Callie's ears while she kissed her bare chest. _

"_I want you close to me… I need you so close…" _

_Her fingers were trailing circles over her tanned body and she reached her breast, squeezing them lightly, making the other girl moan._

"_I can't describe how much I need you…" Her hands reached Callie's jeans, opening them to help her love guide out of them, right before she was laying Callie down on her bed. And she kissed her tenderly, while she was feeling elected by the Goosebumps under her fingers, and her lover moaning. _

_Callies Voice sounded so wonderful in her ears and even she felt the arousal burning up in herself she couldn't stop pleasing the love of her life._

"_I need you with me…" Arizona whispered in her ears as her hand slipped in her lovers pants, being welcomed by wetness and Callie's voice trembling. _

"_Forever…" She kissed her tenderly while she was grinding with her fingers and then with her whole body against Callie in a soft but wanting rhythm. _

"_I need you… in every possible way…" She hushed when she felt Callie screaming out her name, and she kissed her tenderly._

_When Callie opened her eyes she looked into her blue eyes, which were full of love and lust, with her fingers still rubbing on her wet clit, wanting to give her all the pleasure she deserved and she realized that was just a part she loved about Arizona. The love they made was perfect, more than perfect, it was magnifying, breathe-taking, amazing. She never felt that complete and satisfied before. It was something that made her Arizona love more and she knew she would want to spend the rest of her life with her, in her arms._

"_I love you so much…" Callie said while she was moving her hand under Arizona's shirt and right before she was kissing her tenderly._

**In your love, my salvation lies  
**

_What's wrong Ari?" Her voice and her eyes were full of concern speaking soft words, kissing her wet face. _

_Could Callie feel her heart race? Could she feel her pain and her sorrow as she stroked her hair? Could she feel Arizona's need to stay in her arms? _

_Arizona couldn't stop, even she felt better with each minute passing and each time Callie touched her skin. But she was still afraid. Afraid of everything and she felt guilty. Most of it she was afraid of loosing Callie, the one she cared so much for. As if Callie could read her mind she whispered softly into her ear:" I'm here…I'm.. here…" while she kissed her skin to calm her down and to dry her burning tears. _

_After minutes of weeping she settled down in Callie's arms, her breathe slowed down until she breathed normally again; Callie was still rubbing her back, hugging her tightly. _

_As much as Arizona liked to talk to Calliope she was too exhausted from her nightmare. All she wanted to do was lying down in with her arms around her body, to smell her, touch her, listening to her soft breathe. She would explain everything later; now she was too tired to tell Callie her story. She was too tired to be reminded by telling her story to Callie. All she wanted to do was sleeping a whole night through. _

_But it seemed like Callie already knew, at least a part of it._

"_It is about the tiny coffins, isn't it?"_

_Arizona looked up, her mouth forming a simple "how"._

"_Karev… he told me after a patient died. He realized you are right and not just a cold hearted bitch like he thought when you were babbling something about relationships and rainbows when you were getting the organ for a sick boy. He told me afterwards…" _

_Even Arizona was scared of her being mad with her; she realized she wasn't by looking straight into her eyes._

"_I've waited for you to tell me, because I realized how painful it is for you… __I didn't want to pressure you…"_

_Arizona never experienced something like that and she realized Callie wouldn't leave her; she would be there, hopefully forever and in her heart she would be there for eternity, and she also realized she wasn't just falling in love with the beautiful woman in front of her, she was already so deeply in Love. Arizona realized that she loved her._

"_Take me to bed… Please…" She whispered and Callie nodded, smiling._

_The rest of the night she slept peaceful for the first time._

**In your love, in your love, in your love  
**

"_What… are you… doing here?"_

"_I'm here because of you, Ari….I'm here because it's not your time to leave this world, because… because… __You need to stay with me."_

_Tears were already laving her yes and it was Arizona who raised her shaking hand to dry them slowly while she was trying to smile._

_She didn't want her to leave either. But she also didn't want her to be in danger._

"_You… You can't … You can't stay here Calliope. __It's… too dangerous…."_

_She finally blurt out with her voice shaking like her whole body. The selfish part of her wished for her to stay, because she couldn't do this, she didn't want to leave this world without her at her side when fear was overtaking her body and her mind._

_But the love for the woman in front of her was even bigger and because of that she couldn't stand her being in danger and her heart was asking her to leave; to be completely saved._

_And the craziest thing she has never felt like this about anyone before. She has never felt that addicted, responsible and in love with someone before._

"_I'm not leaving, Ari.. I'm never going to leave you… because…. Because I'd die for you… you listen to me.. I'd die for you if you are save instead. Only stupid person would do something like that and I'm stupid, because I'm in love._

_God… how much I love and need you… so… I won't leave…. For god's sake… I won't leave, because we are going to save you… together… Ari… together."_

_Her hand reached for her sweaty check, stroking it firmly as she said the next words._

"_Oh god… I would even follow you into hell to get you back."_

_She laughed bitterly. Yes, she already followed her into hell. That's were she was; and she would stay here until she got back her old life. She would do everything to see her health and save again, to be able to touch her and taste her; she would do anything to feel her love again._

_Even loosing herself._

"_**I**__**will follow you into the dark**__…"_

**But Baby you know I'm so weary  
And you know baby**

"_I dreamed… about… a house… a white house… with blue doors… or maybe red doors… and a porch with two simple comfortable chair and a simple table… so we… so we can sit out there in the summer… watching life greeting us… in summer… we… we could sit there and we could have flowers and plants… and in winter we could have there candles and… and… blankets… as well… and the house is… big… even we are alone… and we could have a great garden… with a… swimming pool…"_

_Arizona started her future story, coughing furiously, feeling her life fading away, but she didn't care. She needed to tell Callie those things she never brought over her lips before. She never told her how much she wanted to move together with her and how much she wanted to marry her._

_It was something she never thought about before in her entire life, until Callie got a part, the main part of it._

"…_and… we will have… a beautiful… house…. Choosing every thing together… the bed… we need a big and comfy bed like yours… and a beautiful and big kitchen... where I… where I can watch you… because I love watching you cooking… and maybe we won't life there alone… some-" She coughed again and Callie whipped her back and forth, crying._

"…_someday… there could be… our children… I never told you… but I always thought of it… very often to be honest… because I want to share everything with you… each experience… I… I never thought there could be a perfect life…" Her eyes filled with fresh tears and soft sobs left her mouth._

"_I never thought there would be anything else than living, surviving, hoping… but when I met you I knew… it can be perfect… I dreamed about our perfect home and live together… and I… I want you to know… that… I…I love you, Calliope… I love you so much that it almost hurts… and I will love you whatever is going to happen… and I… I want you to be happy more than anything else… you have to be happy… even I'm.. I'm…"_

_She wasn't able to say those words out loud, to admit her soon fulfilled future and Calliope didn't want her to speak out, too._

_Instead she kissed her check from behind, trying to calm her._

"_Scccht… Ari… don't say it… you know we are going to get out of here together… it just take time… but we are going to get out of here… I promise… because… because do you remember?? Do you remember the night where we resolved which places we want to see… Do you remember?" She whispered into her eyes and she waited for her response._

_Arizona closed her eyes, her lips forming a faint and foggy smile._

"_I remember everything…" She answered keeping her eyes close when the memories were over taking her shaking body._

**My hearts been broken  
Sometimes, sometimes  
****my mind is too strong to carry on  
Too strong to carry on  
**

_She lied in the bed for hours now. Crying her heart out and her body was shaking controllable, but she wasn't alone. This time she wasn't going to do this alone. This time she wouldn't lie awake on her own to weep over her brother's death. This time she laid at her side, holding her as close as possible as she kissed her tears away and stroke her hair softly._

_This year her love was with her, coming right to her place after she heard she has called in sick._

_She came and took her to the bed as she found her on the couch, crying. _

_She was the one who held her through the night, not sleeping, never leaving her side. She was the one who whispered words of love. She was the one she loved more than anything else. And she realized she found the one her brother was talking about when they were younger. She realized Calliope was the one. Forever._

**When I am alone  
When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone  
When I've lost all care for the things I own  
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you **

"_What are you doing? You'll get the chicken pox," she said pathetically._

"_So, I get the chicken pox."_

"_You… really… never had them?" _

"_I… Calliope… I lied…"_

"_What? Why you lied to me?? I needed you for god's sake!"_

"_Because… because I love you… because I couldn't see you that hurt… because it hurts me too much to see you hurt…" She said already crying and that was when Calliope faced her again, looking her straight into the eyes and all she saw was true sorry, hurt, shame and never ending love. _

"_Hold me…" She whispered and all what Arizona did was nodding, holding her as close as possible. _

**  
You who are my home  
****you who are my home  
and here is what I know now  
here is what I know now  
Goes like this... **

"_Don't cry… Please don't… cry…" _

"_There's no need to cry…" A faint smile plastered on her weak and tired face._

"_Nothing… to cry about…"_

_She tried to make her love stop, but as she was hard to be brave, tears never stopped to fall down, because she still couldn't believe what was happening to her._

_Like Calliope she couldn't take the realisation that this would end right there when she had so much to say, so much to do. It couldn't stop here when she tried so desperately to hang on. It felt like her life was streaming through her fingers like blood squirted sand, and even she was trying so hard, she couldn't hold onto it. It was streaming and streaming._

_But it doesn't feel normal and it doesn't feel right. It couldn't be. It shouldn't be._

"_Calliope… please…. Don't cry…instead… I … I need to see your smile… I need to hear… your voice… your laughter… I need to… I … I need you…" She finally admitted to herself and to everyone else._

"_I'm… I'm so scared… please… never let me go… please let me stay here… with you… I'm so scared..." Her sobs filled the room and the brave and fearless seeming Arizona was admitting her fear. The fear that made her body shake and her heart ache._

**  
In your love, my salvation lies  
In your love, my salvation lies  
**

"_Oh god… thank you… you're alive…"_

"_Of course I am… I have a indigestion like I said in your mailbox when I said I couldn't come today, because children are really not into puking doctors…but it's nothing to worry about, Calliope…" Arizona replied almost smiling, but though rising her eyebrow in confusion._

_Not even her mother was like that, and she was always worried._

_Callie didn't care of sounding stupid, all she could do was smiling kooky, realizing her mind was playing a trick._

"_I knew… I just… realized how much you mean to me and how lucky I can be to have you in my life… Ari… my life would so suck without you..."_

_Callie simply explained before giving her a quick kiss._

"_I guess I have to get sicker more often…"_

"_Oh no… because that means no sex…" _

"_Okay… I'm convinced…" Ari giggled._

"_And now go to bed, sweetheart. I'm making you the best soup you've ever tasted. It should help your sweet little stomach to heal very soon… and my libido to be rescued…" Callie said while she helped her up._

"_Don't you have to work?" Arizona asked while she giggled furiously at her comment._

"_No. I have to be here where I belong." _

_When Callie carried Arizona to her bed, because Arizona was too weak to walk (Callie was too worried to let her walk on her own), she knew she would do this her whole life, she would always care for her. __**Forever.**_

_As Callie exited the dark room with a smile plastered on her face, a low voice stopped her from exiting to soon. There were things that must been said before._

"_And Calliope…"_

"_Yes?"_

"_I don't know what's going on with you today… but… My life would suck without you, too…"_

**In your love, my salvation lies  
In your love, my salvation lies  
**

"_Calliope…" Her voice was so faintly and hollow and her voice so pale when death was standing in front of her._

_She knew her time was coming, by seeing them walking towards her, trying to grab her hand firmly with an apologetic look in their eyes._

_There was so much left she needed to say, so much that needed to be said, but she was too weak to find the words and to tell her everything she wanted to blurt out, but there were three words telling Calliope exactly what she was feeling and what Arizona needed her to remember the rest of her life. There were no hope left, but here love._

"_Ari…?"_

"_I need you to know something…" She started, but Callie wasn't ready to hear those words coming from her trembling lips yet, because she knew what it would mean and she couldn't take it. She was far away from accepting it. She would never be able to._

"_Don't Ari… Don't say it… Not now… because… you'll have enough chances and enough time to tell me later and tomorrow and next week. We will have the rest of our lives, remember? Just don't say it now…"_

_She rumpled, holding her closer, if it was even possible._

"_Calliope… listen to me… I love you… I love you more tan life itself…"_

"_Ari… please… don't…"_

"_And I'll love you forever…" She said through the veil of her tears._

"…_don't leave me…"_

"_Calliope… I love… you… don't you dare to forget that… I… love… you…"_

_She smiled as her world turned black. Calliope was still holding her in her strong arms and she could hear her voice, smell her sent as her world turned black._

_She smiled and said:" I feel so save in your arms…" before she closed her eyes._

**In your love, my salvation lies  
In your love, my salvation lies  
**

_You know what I wanted to do, but I was never able to?" Arizona broke the silence, Calliope was enjoying._

"_What?" She replied, trying to find the strength to talk after a hard day in the hospital. Every one else would annoy her, but Arizona's voice made her forget, it made her feel peaceful again._

"_I always dreamed about travelling to another countries, states and citys. But I hadn't got the money and then my schedule was to stressful to be able to escape, and there wasn't anybody I want to take with me on my journey…" Her words were honest and also full of passion while her fingers searched their way under Callie's top to stroke her silk skin firmly. _

"_But now I've found someone I want to share those memories and experiences with…" She said without looking up._

_Callie grinned at her revelation and she had to confess that she was feeling the same. She had Never felt so pure about anyone else._

"_Where do you want go?" Both said in union, making each other laugh._

"_Hey let's start a game… I'm going to say a city or a state I want to visit and you are going to say another city/state with the last letter… alright?"_

"_Alright." Callie replied, grinning wildly. No one ever made her being exited about a simple game._

"_Hm… let's start with… Los Angeles…" Arizona said, smiling and acting like a child._

"_You have never been to L.A.? You can't be serious, Arizona!"_

"_Hey! That's not the rules… no mocking here!"_

"_Never been to L.A. but calling me the newborn…" She mumbled to herself, but loud enough for her to understand._

"_Hey!" She punched her on her shoulder, giving her a snapping glance; pouting and Callie excused herself with a tender kiss, taking both of their breath away._

"_Sydney…" Callie said while she tried to find her breath again._

"_York… that was a good way to apologize…" Arizona grinned mischievously. _

"_Kanada!"_

"_Alabama… You know the Movie 'Sweet home Alabama' with the guy who looked exactly like Sheppard, Calliope? __I've always wanted to go there!"_

"_Arizona..." Callie blurted out laughing hard. "But well… I have been there a lot lately… and I have to say… I love it… oh… I love every part of Arizona…"_

_Arizona giggled at her comment, realizing again how much she adored Callie as she was looking at her seductively._

"_Oh yeah… I love it…" She licked her lips while Arizona was biting her lip. How could she resist her anytime?_

"_Maybe you could visit it again… soon…" She said in a whisper while she claimed Callie's body, settling herself beneath her legs, intuitive grinding, listening to Calliope's soft and needing moans that left her body, sending a shiver over her back._

_She settled both of her hands on her head side, giving in a moment to tease her with her lips hovering right over her already opened mouth._

_Arizona could feel her panting breath and she felt her strong hands crawling over her body, over her breasts and her stomach, until she reached the final aim, prodding to the part of Arizona' body she loved the most. _

_When Callie entered her with two fingers she felt herself drifting away. _

"_I'd love to visit it again…" She whispered as her body started to movie in a pacing movement, feeling Arizona's body moving up and down._

"_I love you…" Arizona heard her whispering, right before she let out a loud moan._

"_And I'd love to see the world with you…" _

**In your love, my salvation lies  
**

I almost can't breathe as I open my eyes and my heart is beating heavily in my chest.

Everything I searched and asked for the past weeks is there.

Everything I needed to know I remember, I remember everything. Simply everything and I realize something else…

I can't leave and I don't need to. I don't want to.

All I want to do is being with her.

With the letter in my hands I ran out of the room and I rush through the corridors, my eyes searching for her, but I can't find her, when I need her so much, so much closer.

I need to see her, tell her what happened, show her what I feel and I can't banish the smile from my face.

I haven't been that happy and relieved for a while, but now it also makes so much sense…

Our love survived….

**In your love, in your love, in your love  
**

And as I rush through the corridors, trying to find her face I recognize Mark and I call out for him immediately.

"Mark!" I scream his name and he spins around, frowning.

"Arizona?" He opens his mouth to say something else, but I stop him before another work is spoken. All I care about is where I can find her.

"Where is Calliope?"

"Callie…? Why?"

"It's _super_ important… I need to see her now…"

"She is at home… She left right after…. You left…?? Wait… what's going on here?" He asks confused, but I can't hide my smile. A newfound ability to be perky all the time.

"Something beautiful…"

I reply right before run in the opposite direction, out of the hospital, searching for a taxi to drive me to the place.

**Well I had a dream  
I stood beneath an orange sky  
Yes I had a dream  
I stood beneath an orange sky**

And as I look up the sun is already settling down and it turned the sky into a beautiful orange… and I believe I have never seen such a beautiful thing in my entire life and all I can think of her.

She's my salvation like I'm hers.

She's my holy love.

And then something crazy is happening, something that makes my heart aches, because it's so pure and beautiful.

The sky is crying, happy tears, cold raindrops touching my skin and the sky is still shining brightly in a dark orange, an orange sky and I can't wait for a taxi and so I run. I run to where my heart is trough the rain, under an orange sky.

**  
With my lover standing by  
With my lover standing by  
With my lover standing by**

I am out of breathe as I'm finally standing in front of the door knocking heavily, thinking about what to say to her, but it doesn't really matter. All I want to do is kissing her. All I want to do is seeing her smile, letting her know that everything is like it was before.

I am hers and she's mine and I love her… I still love her. I truly love her.

And suddenly the door opens and she stands there with puffy eyes, wearing simple jeans and the purple shirt I love on her and she looks at me like she is seeing a ghost.

Tears are streaming down her face, but all I can do is smiling and even I'm freezing and even I'm scared and even I get the flu because I'm wet everywhere I am someone who loves and I don't care what's going to happen tomorrow or in a week or a month.

I just need to be with her.

And all that count is today… Now… Tonight… Now as she's looking at me, with red eyes, praying for me to be a part of her again I know what's right.

We are right.

"Ari… What are you…?"

She asks in a whisper with quivering lips and all I can say is one single word, before I kiss her to take our pain away. I say one single word, before I kiss her passionately and full of tenderness. I love her… I love her so much and so I say…

"Anapolis…"

**In your love, my salvation lies  
In your love, in your love, in your love**


	31. Divine

**Authors Note:**

You're just too lovely and too good to be true! I thank you with my entire heart and I hope you like the last two Chapters' I'm going to upload this week. This is Chapter 31 in Callie's POV like you asked for and I hope you are going to enjoy this. I heard "Turn to stone" by Ingrid Michelson (from the super sweet Callie/Arizona church scene) the whole time while I wrote this and I think it fits it just perfectly.

I really appreciate your comments more than anything else!

-Sun

**Chapter 31**** - Divine**

When she left I died inside.

I couldn't breathe and I couldn't cry, because it felt so unreal that I didn't know how to handle the situation.

I left the hospital numbly, with numb eyes and a body without a soul.

I wasn't able to see anything or hear a word they said. I didn't even feel the fresh air colliding with my skin as I left the building to walk to my apartment

And I first gave in as I entered my room.

I started to cry and I tried to fill the world with my pain and so I screamed until my voice broke down like I did. I cried until I couldn't see anymore.

But I still could feel and that was all that counted. I was the worse thing of all of those things. It was the reason why I broke and why I laid down with one of her favourite shirts in my hands. A simple shirt that still smelled like her and I realized something, again. Something I always knew: I need her.

And as I look out the window I see the sky is crying with me.

Oh god, I need her more than anything else and I still need her and I still cry as I walk to the door, because I heard a few knocks and I guess it's Mark who walked after me.

It just can be him, because she is long gone, but as I open the door I see something I never thought I would see again, her smile in front of my eyes.

And there she truly stands, smiling brightly my way, soaked with rain and I can't think of something more beautiful. I can't stop thinking about realizing what I lost and I can't stop wondering what she is trying to do. Showing me what I can't have? Telling me goodbye again?

I want to tell her she should leave, because I can't take anymore of her. I can't take another moment of us being together with her leaving afterwards.

But there she truly is, after she left me hours ago and I just look at her in confusement.

"Ari… What are you…?" I ask in a whisper as I see her standing there, grinning, her eyes shining as blue as the shimmering ocean, but she isn't saying a word. She isn't saying anything, instead she comes up to me, standing right in front of me and I can feel her cold breathe on my skin, and as she's that near I start to shiver and it's hard for me to concentrate on anything else. All I ache for is touching her, being able to touch her like weeks ago when our thoughts and souls weren't separated. And I wait for her to say something, but she just keeps smiling, touching my hands firmly and I shiver out and inside.

It's magical what she does with me, whenever she touches me. Its magical how my breathe hitches without her touching me directly. It's magical how she is affecting me, with every glance, with every touch, with every single word.

"Annapolis." She finally says, still smiling, and tears are welling up in my eyes, because I understand immediately. She knows… I never told her, but she knows our little game and I want to ask her. I want her to say the thing I want to hear, but she doesn't let me ask, her lips already on mine.

And even each single kiss is something special she never kissed me that way and my whole body is tingling as her lips are grazing mine. She kisses me in a soft and slow way, just before she bites my lip down in a hurtful but awesome way and a soft sigh is escaping my lips. With this kiss she answers my question and even I want to laugh, even I want to scream out loud the joy I feel I start to cry. I start to cry silent tears as she's kissing me again and my fingers are touching her cheeks, trying to feel every part of her body, wandering up and down and as she moans I use my tongue to start another sensual game.

I don't really know how long we stand there, because as soon as her lips were on mine I forget the world around me. I could get fired or lose my apartment and all the things I got I wouldn't mind, because she's my home and I'll never let her go again.

But I free myself from her touch as I realize how cold she is and how cold her lips are. She's still soaked and her whole body is shivering slightly. So I pull away and look her in the eyes instead, into her navy blue eyes that are full of seduction, passion and love.

Oh god… how much I missed her…

"You're cold…" I say, but she shrugs, before her lips finding her way to mine again, and it's really hard to concentrate when she's doing this with me, making my knees buckle. She always tries to do that to make me shut my mouth.

"I don't mind…" She whispers in my ear right before she lefts a mark on my neck and I sigh pleasured. I never liked marks on my body, but with her I can't think about something greater, reminding me what she did to me the night before. I love her having the complete control over my body.

But I care to much for her and I know how she's wincing whenever she's sick (I guess it's because of all the working with kids, she is a kid on her own when she's sick…) and so I try to speak up again.

"You'll get the flu…"

She shrugs again, before she's ravishing my mouth. "I don't mind."

And again she has the control over my body, ignoring all my tries to stop her and I love how I affect her behaviour. I love it how she can't stop touching me whenever we started our sensual game, but this time I stop her.

"But I do." I say and so I take her to the bathroom where she stands in front of me, looking at me in disbelief and I can see the desire clearly in her eyes. But all I do is pulling her out of her wet clothes, one after the other, until she's only wearing her underwear and a top.

Even I told myself I let her shower first and we can talk later my hands are following another lead and seconds later I feel her soft and cold skin beneath my fingertips.

I hover with my fingers over her exposed skin and I can feel Goosebumps under my fingertips and I look her directly in the eyes as I grab for the last clothe on her body and she raises her arms so I can pull it over her head.

The clothe is falling to the ground as if it doesn't want to be a part of her again, but instead I want to be a part of her again and so I pull away the clothes from my own body and suddenly I feel her hands on mine, replacing them, so she's undressing me slowly, our glances never breaking.

And when we are both naked, standing in front of the other she pulls my after her, right into the shower, she uses the modulator, without breaking the contact of our eyes and oh so suddenly the hot water is connecting with both of our bodies and oh so suddenly I feel her lips on mine again and she press me against the wall with all the power that's left in her body and she starts to move between my legs. And I love how she feels and I love how she tastes and how she smells, but most of all I love how she's touching me with her hands wandering over my body, finally reaching her most loved aim and I gasp under the contact.

I love the foreplay, something that never has been so intense with her, but now it's about desire, seduction and needing. I need her so much closer, I need to feel her in every possible way and there she is pushing me into the wall, grinding against me, touching me where I need to be touched, after we have been separated for to long.

She never breaks the contact as we are making love, the hot water pouring down on our bodies. She doesn't even let go, after I cried out in pleasure. She's still there and she still kisses me with her already swollen lips.

And she stills there to wipe my tears away as I start to cry again. But this time they are happy tears, thanking god tears, tears she's catches with her lips. Tears we share.

And then something happens that we never did before.

When we make love there's always a the need to feel save and needed but this time we stand there and she holds onto me oh so suddenly like her life depends on it and I stroke her hair firmly as I switch the position. Being now the one that holds her, being now the one full of power, while she starts to cry.

She starts to cry and I try to sooth her with my presence. I know her too well to say why she's crying. And all I can do is smiling, because this time realisation hits me hard, but willed and I love what realisation brought me. Realisation brought me her, and I discover the mist beautiful thing in the world.

She's mine again and I'm hers, forever.

She smiles at me in an apologetic way but I just nod, without saying something. I know she feels guilty she forgets, I know it has been hard for her and she's exhausted.

I know that she loves me as much as I love her and that is all that counts, no matter what has been in the past. I have her back. I have my Arizona back.

And all I do is taking her favourite shower gel and I massage her beautiful skin until she relaxes under my touch. And I shower her hair, until I get a towel to dry her off. And then I take her in my arms and carry her into my bed.

I lay down at her side without saying a word; instead I smile, because I have her back. It's not only me… It's an "us" again.

I don't know how many hours passed while we were just looking into each others eyes. I won't know how long we laid here, our bodies entangled and I don't know if I ever felt that whole and pure in my life before.

We don't talk, but we communicate with our eyes in silence and I know my heart belongs to her.

Maybe it's too soon to do the final step.

Maybe we need time to find each other again.

But I don't need time.

I love her more than anything else and I never felt that relieved and so I take the final step, something I never thought to do again. But with her it's different. With her the sky looks brighter and I even like the snow and the rain. With her everything makes more sense than before.

With her I am more myself as I am without her.

With her I truly believe in love.

Arizona is everything I asked for my whole life and so I smile brightly as my one hand is caressing her chin and with the other I'm playing with her beautiful, soft and shining curls.

"Arizona?" I finally say, breaking the silence and she immediately smiles.

"Yes…?"

I take a deep breathe before I say those words.

I take a deep breathe before I do the final step, loving her smile so much, smiling to at the thought of our future.

I know this is the best thing I can do, because it feels right… It feels more than that…

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Do you want to marry me, Arizona Elisabeth Robbins?"

I ask in a whisper and I see her smile radiate, I see the tears welling up in her eyes and I already know the answer as I feel her soft lips on mine, kissing me in the sweetest way.

"Yes." She simply says, before she kisses me again and I know all of this; this moment, her lips on mine, her word filling my head, the knowledge that we will be together forever, her smile, her answer, the past and the future; is perfect.

Everything is perfect. Her, me, us.

It's just simply, truly _divine_ like our love.


	32. Forever and a Day

**Authors Note: **

Well, alright… I know a lot of you couldn't wait for the next Chapter and I couldn't wait to write the next one, but it was a hell week and I just couldn't bring myself over writing the last Chapter. But finally here it is, and I hope it is a worthily end and I'm sorry if it's not… I guess there is a LOT to say to you, because I'm really really thankful to have you! I don't know if I had been able to write it until the end if I hadn't had you.

So thank you SO MUCH! It was a pleasure to write it and I can't imagine doing something else in the future! I can't promise if there's a sequel and if there's one soon and even you liked me for uploading so soon, unfortunately I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that in the future.

But I'm doing my best and I'm a lucky girl to have you as my readers!

Thank you so much, I guess that's all I can say now and I hope you'll be there again if it says "I will follow you…".

Again, thank you very much. I'm just speechless right now and a little bit sad it's over. But I'm also very happy I had the time with you.

This will be, a last time, in Callie's POV, because we spent a lot time with her in this fic and as much as I love Arizona I thought it'd be right to have her as the last one speaking, thinking, and being a part of us.

I wish you all the best and remember in life you read/write/meet more than once.

**-Sun**

**Chapter 32**** - Forever and a day**

The night has passed too quickly.

Hours filled with our laughter, conversations, kisses, touching, joy, love and compassion.

We laid there our bodies and hands always connected, always together like our hearts.

We laid there and we talked about the past, about what happened to both of us, and we talked about now, about tomorrow and about next week, next year… about the rest of our lives.

She told me that now after she found to herself and to me again she wanted to work again, she wanted to be a real part of her old life again. She told me that she wanted to be the same again, and even I saw how happy she was, now, in my arms, completely remembering anything, I recognized something else, looking like fear and remembrance, bad memories, in her eyes. But even I asked her how she felt, she just smiled happily, telling me everything couldn't be better and so I decided to leave it, just for tonight.

I didn't want to think about the bad things that had happened, almost tearing us apart.

I wanted to remember all the things we got done so well together, just like her.

All we wanted to remember was our love, our commitment.

She smiled at me the whole time and her smile was radiating, like a gift god gave her.

A smile that made me realize that she was back again. She was mine and now… she ever will be.

We spent the whole morning in bed, kissing each other what felt like hours, but we couldn't get enough of each other, and whenever one of us pulled back to breathe again our lips ached to be together again, until we breathed each other's presence, each other's love and the air gets unnecessary for us.

Finally we stood up, forcing our bodies to leave the place where we wanted to stay for another day or maybe another week. All we wanted to do was standing with each other, just the both of us, before we were going to meet our friends and colleagues again.

We wanted time for us, just for us and no one else.

And I wanted to look her in the eyes for forever and a day, reading them, looking past them, right into her heart and into her soul.

But I also couldn't wait to go out, looking at the world again, but this time with different eyes.

I couldn't wait to see and feel the sun on my skin, after the storm and the rain passed by.

I couldn't wait to see a beautiful ring on her hand.

I couldn't wait to see the look in their eyes, feeling their surprise, hearing their congratulations.

I couldn't wait to tell them, to let the whole world know that she's going to be my wife.

I called Mark as soon as we left and I asked him to tell all of our friends we will meet at Joe's tonight and I took Arizona' hand in mine as we walked down the streets, together.

And as we enter the small shop, revealing us what we are searching for I also enter another world. I enter a world full of memories, full of feelings I thought I have long lost on my way of growing up and also learning all the hurt and pain. And while she is running around like a little girl in a candy shop, with her eyes shining and glimmering and a big smile permanent plastered on her face, never letting my hand go, I see the past in front of my eyes, remembering what we had… and how I felt in love with her. How she changed me, how she made me believe in love again.

There has been a lot of moments, a lot of touches and there has been said many words and I counted the days I spent with her, because it has been the best days in my whole life.

* * *

_I hated to avoid her. __I never hated to hurt and avoid someone that much before. But my body was tired and stressed and worn out. And I felt like I could start to cry each moment that passed, but I even was too exhausted to do that._

_The past few days, the past few weeks had been the worse in my life… My dad shot me out of money and of my family._

_And the last few days and weeks had also been the best… because of her. _

_Because of her blond curls and her navy blue eyes. _

_Because of the compassion, passion and growing love plastered on her face whenever she was talking to me, looking at me __or touching me. _

_Whenever she was around me my body heated, my heart felt as strange as my stomach and I just wanted to tell her that I never want her to leave the place beside my again. I just wanted to let her know what I was feeling, that she was getting to close to the place where George and Erica left. To the place that was still damaged and hardly reachable. I just wanted to tell her that there has been a wall built up and that she was the one that came nearer and nearer… She came nearer than anyone did before. _

_But instead of all those things I told her different things. I was hard and unfair. I hurt her way too much than I wanted… But I couldn't control what I was saying. _

"_Maybe it is…"_

_And so I said 3 words. 3 words before I left her behind, confused with tears welling up in her eyes and I didn't know if I'd be able to feel something else than tiredness, blankness, fear and hurt again. I didn't know if I would be able to free myself from that feeling and if I'd be able to make her forgive me; and before I even started I had the feeling I already lost her. _

_But I never lost her. Whatever I was doing she was always there, talking, maybe screaming, crying, asking, and pleading. No matter what I've done, she always came back to me… And that was the reason why I felt so hard in love with her._

_She came rushing after me when I lay on an uncomfortable bed, feeling as miserable as I never felt before, because I thought I haven't just lost my family but also the girl I was falling in love with. But there she was, talking again, never giving up on me, on us._

"_I just want you to know that I'm hurt. I am hurt and I am angry, because I thought that we had something. I thought that we were going somewhere. And if you're just sleeping around, making some rounds of girl surgeons than I think that you should now that – "_

_I knew I should just shot my mouth and ignore her if I didn't want to open up. I know I could just chase her away from me, being lonely again and then she wouldn't be able to hurt me or I couldn't hurt myself by hurting her. But instead I spoke up and I cried, because I wanted to let her in like no one ever before. I wanted her to know every thing, every single detail of me, because I knew she could take it and she wouldn't leave me._

"_WE went to a fancy restaurant."_

"_What?" She looked at me in confusement._

"_WE went to a FANCY restaurant… the nicest restaurant in Seattle. The salad that I ordered… the SALAD… costed 26, 95… the wine that you ordered cost 125 a bottle… I don't even look at the things, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to order one, because I'm out of money… and I don't even like salad."_

"_Oh…"_

"_And then the bill came and you…"_

"_I… I paid…" She said flustered._

"_Do you know what I was doing before they brought over the check? I was counting in my head, trying to figure out, how I was going to buy food for the rest of the week, because I don't have 57 bucks, because my father disowned me and has cleared up my bank account…" And that's when I started to cry, the truth rushing trough my body, making me realize that I had nothing left… And I was honest, no matter how it would end and how she would react… I just wanted and needed her to know._

"_I am broke AND I am exhausted, Arizona… I'm working in the ER, because I need the money… 6 people died on my watch today and I'm… frighten… I wanted to stand last night… I thought that last night would be THAT night for us… you know… our night… but you wanted to go to a fancy restaurant and I can't do that…" _

_And I split out all the things I wanted to say while I'm crying, but she isn't running away, she isn't leaving without a word. Instead she's sitting down in front of me, taking my hands into hers._

"_I… can't"_

"_It's okay… It's okay… hey… so we… stay in! And we'll eat sandwiches…"_

"_You don't even like sandwiches…"_

"_But I like the girl who has the sandwiches…" She replied, nodding furiously with her head. _

"…_okay?"_

"_Okay… but... no… you know what… I don't like sandwiches either… I like pizza…"_

"_I like pizza, too…" She replied smiling and that was when I knew that she was the one I wanted to be with… _

_And this night has been our night… _

* * *

She's still searching for the right one, watching out, rambling all the time, but I don't hear one of the things she is saying. I watch her instead, I look at her mouth, and how she's biting her lips whenever she's thinking. I watch how the old Arizona is coming back so quickly, holding my hand like her life depends on it; and my life really does.

I don't let her go and my eyes are never leaving her body or her soul. I watch her all the time, my eyes are following each of her movements and I can't stop smiling.

I can't shake the thought of her, being with me, forever.

I can't stop thinking about us, about our future, about the way I'm watching her all the time and as I realize that it's going to be like that forever I almost start to cry.

And as she's searching for the perfect ring for both of us, showing our love to everyone, I'm running after a thought that makes my whole body tingle and my heart ache in a beautiful way.

In a way that makes me smile, grin, because of love, because of her.

It's a feeling that makes my heart flutter in an amazing way, because the first time in my life I realize that all I ever wished for is going to be reality.

* * *

_I see myself sitting on one of that uncomfortable chair with her laying in front of me, her eyes still closed and her blond hair caressing her chin in the most beautiful way. _

_I can't stop starring at her, but I'm already used to that. I'm already used to her beauty, but what I'm not used to, but what I already love is this tiny human in my arms; sleeping like her mother. _

_I look at her tiny face, the dark __hair grazing her small head and her small fingers around mine, holding my thumb in the sweetest way._

_She has the skin of snow and her lips are red like a mellowed red apple you pull from__ a tree in the middle of a meadow on a beautiful and hot summer day and as she's opening her eyes so suddenly I look into baby blue eyes and all I can do is smile and cry. I start to cry silent tears as I look her into the eyes, realizing what Ari brought me. _

_She didn't just bring me love, affection and joy. She brought me a little girl; my daughter._

"_Hey my little Snow White…" I whisper, while I'm playing with her tiny fingers. And suddenly there it is, a smile, and my heart is melting as my tears are caressing my cheek._

"_You two are the most beautiful sight I've ever seen…"_

_I say to our little girl as I stand up, walking up to the bed where Arizona is laying, still sleeping. And I lay down with her in my arms and I kiss Arizona on the lips and our daughter on the forehead, before I make myself comfortable. I want her to see both of us when she's going to wake up again. And I want to see her, the woman I love more than life itself. I want to see her all the time… forever…_

"_Calliope…"_

* * *

I spin around and look her into the eyes, feeling guilty that I wasn't listening, but at the same time I couldn't feel better.

I couldn't feel more pure and relieved. That never happened to me.

Well, in secret, I saw future in front of my eyes and I dreamed about how it would be. But there has never been someone who filled that hole, who made me believe that there will be a good future for me, that there will be love and the thing I imagined.

But there it is. My future, holding my hand, standing in front of me, looking at me in disbelief.

"Everything alright?" She asks and I simply smile and nod, like she's doing after I answered.

"Everything is perfect…" I answer honestly and she nods with a grin plastered on her face.

"Hey look there… isn't that a super beautiful ring?" She asks, almost jumping up and down in anticipation. I look at the ring and I nod slightly. It is perfect for her. It's simple golden, but it's with a beautiful white stone, a diamond, in the middle of it and as I look at it I already see it on her finger, gracing it and as I look up, look at her as she's completely fixated on the ring like a girl on her first Barbie in a toy shop and I realize again how much she's brightening my day.

How much I love her.

"It is…" I answer, still fixated on her and as she's spinning around looking at me in a strange, but also cute way asking me what's wrong in a shrill tone I just bring my lips to hers, kissing her slowly and as we are apart from each other again her smile is miraculous.

"I think this place is highly inappropriate to do this…" She whispers, but she is still grinning like a teenager who just got her first kiss and I love the affection I still have on her.

"I don't care… from now on; now that you're going to be my wife I have the right to kiss you whenever and wherever I want…" I say and she starts to laugh.

"Well… maybe you want to drag me home and show me what we are going to do for the rest of our lives…" She murmurs into me earlobe and that's when the rings are long forgotten… Well I guess tomorrow is another chance to buy a ring, because right now I just want to kiss her and show her how much I want her. How much I need her and how much I missed her.

* * *

I ever asked myself if there are moments you never forget in your whole life, and with her I realized there really can be. With her I realized so much more. I realized that there are moments you can't think about something else than how beautiful your life really is.

And such a moment is now.

I sit right next to her and we are holding hands and she's stroking the back of my hand while we are listening to Hunt and Christina, augmenting over something and it's crazy how easily she's affecting me with a simple touch.

We told them, I asked Mark to bring them here, all of them. And when we were sitting there with Christina, Hunt, Lexie, Mark, Derek, Meredith, Bailey and Teddy we told them that we were going to merry and we earned congratulations, hugs, laughter, comments that this really was time to happen and Arizona and I laughed, never leaving each others gaze.

And it felt pure awesome with her and them, our friends, celebrating after all what happened and as she stood up to go to the bathroom I immediately missed her touch and so I apologized myself and rushed after her, my mind already knowing what I was going to do.

I would remember each situation with her after what happened.

I would live all those things we did again to bring her memories back just like that, even she remembered.

I would make sure she really did.

And so I opened the door finding her in the same position I was almost year ago when we first met.

As she recognizes me in the mirror she wants to say something, but I shot her down before she's able to say something and I start a game.

"Hey…" I say and she spins around, looking at me confused.

"Hey…?"

"Peds, right?"

"What?? Calliope what's going on here?" She asks, but instead of answering I take a step forward, speaking up again.

"I'm Calliope… Torres… Ortho…"

She says my name another time, asking me what I'm doing before she realizes what I do. I do what she did a year ago.

"I've seen you at the hospital… Are you alright?"

"You know… I'm fine…" She replies, already smiling.

"People talk… where we work… they talk… a LOT… So for the sake of being honest… I… I guess I should tell you… I know things about you, because people talk."

"Oh… you mean… _super_ terrific…"

"It is actually, the talk. People and the tiny humans really like you over there, and they respect you and they are concerned and they are interested. They really like you… some of them _really_ like you… You just… you look upset and I thought that you should know that the talk is good and when you're not upset, when you're over being upset… there will be people lining up for you…" I say, smiling her way and also her smile turns to a sexy grin.

"Oh yeah, really? You should show me who is lining up for me just right here…" She says in a sexy tone, trying to pull me nearer and even I want to kiss her badly I take a step backwards.

"Hey! That's not a part of the storyline! Pull yourself together or you're not going to get a kiss!" I say in a teasing voice and she pouts right before she's correcting herself.

"You wanna give me some names?" She says, moving in anticipation and I simply nod, touching her cheek with my hand, right before I kiss her, feeling her lips on mine finally again and I just pull back to see her closed eyes and how she licks her lip after we kissed so she's tasting me just a little bit more.

"I think you'll know…" I say to her, but I'm not leaving, instead I pull myself forward, heading for another kiss and this time I let it deepen.

This time I drag her into the next stall, pushing her against the nearest wall before I close the brown door, hiding us as my hands are roaming over her body.

"Did I ever tell you that I love it how you kiss me?" She breathes in my ears, while I'm trying me best to stand up straight.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love it when you touch me like that?" She asks, taking my hands into hers, pulling mine into her jeans and we are both sighing as I touch her with all the power I have left in my body, after she made my knees buckle with her already hoarse voice.

We made love almost 5 times today, but I just can't get enough of her and so I push myself hard into her, so she cries out.

"Oh god…" She murmurs as silent as she can, but she has never been a silent lover and that's one of the sexiest things about her. I know what she likes by the way she's reacting with her body and her voice.

I push two fingers inside her and her walls are already tightening under my touch.

"I love it how wet you are…" I say to her in a way that makes her moan and I kiss her starving, right before kneel In front of her, pulling her jeans south, revealing me perfection and as my lips are hovering over her wet folds she's already shivering, her hands in my hair, forcing me to kiss her in the sweetest way. I kiss her and lick her slow, even I know that she wants me to pace up in the way she's struggling me hair, but I also know that she's loving this way, because it's slowly building up, giving her such a release her mind is almost blowing.

And as I start to lick her more furiously with my tongue she starts to gasp.

"Right there… Oh god… it feels amazing… you feel **so** good…" She whispers and I almost come right there as she's biting down her lips to hide a scream and I suck her clit hard as I'm entering her, helping her to find the perfect release and just a moment later she's coming in my mouth almost a thousand times.

I stay in the same position and I continue licking her, until I feel her relaxing under my touch. First then I stand up with shaking knees to kiss her, but all she does is looking at me.

"Well… I can't remember that happening…" She says huskily as her fingers are gliding over my still wet lips.

"That was the special feature…" I reply in a low voice before I kiss her passionately a last time before I pull her jeans up. I know we can't let them wait any longer, but I just want to kiss her, now and forever and a day.

As we leave the bathroom together, hand in hand, they are smiling at us like they knew and the way she's smiling, and the way her eyes are still shining the whole world could know.

* * *

20 Minutes later I drag her out of there, after I whispered her into the ear that I want to do all the things we did once again. And tonight I had two other things in mind. So we left telling them we had a lot to do and Mark just smiled at us, knowing what it was.

But he was wrong. All I did was driving to the next pizza restaurant, ordering a pizza margarita before I was driving to our favourite spot… the park.

And then we sat there, on the bench, eating pizza laughing together, talking how we imagined our future, how we wanted to marry, where we wanted to life. Together.

And all I think about is that I will give up what I once loved. My freedom.

But I win so much more. I win love and I win life.

She is my freedom and as she's looking at me, telling me she loves me, right before she is placing her head on my shoulder, crawling into my embrace I just realize that I'll love her all my life and I would follow her everywhere.

I will love and follow her forever and a day.

**THE END**


End file.
